New to CPTSD and have questions...

[BraveBuffy]

Hello, All 

So, I am divorced from a narcissist and trying to coparent with him is an ongoing traumatic disaster. In meeting regularly with my therapist, it was just recently she mentioned that I have PTSD.

Coming from an abusive family of origin, I do believe CPTSD makes more sense to me. My upbringing combined with an abusive marriage resulted in me becoming a nervous wreck most of the time. 

My most prevalent symptoms include my whole body shaking as a kind of fight or flight response to anything related to my ex - whether it be simply speaking about him to my therapist or responding to a vicious text or email from him. My ex has garnered the sympathies from my family of origin as well, so any kind of brief communication with them causes similar, albeit less intense, reactions.

How can I cope with this? I feel like it's getting worse with time, not better. I'm just learning about CPTSD and how it affects me, specifically. I'm sure there are other symptoms, but over time I think I've used coping mechanisms to the point of feeling like certain reactions are normal (make sense?)...

Anyway... Insights from experience would be very much appreciated 

[Mindfield]

My hypothesis would be:

As c-ptsd sufferers we are biologically hard-wired with animal defense survival responses to facilitate the best possible adaptation in a threatening world.  Different parts of our self is constantly prepared to deal with different challenges, more commonly referred to as fight or flight.. Your body has been triggered to a potential threat and is alerting you to the potential danger and is thus responding accordingly.  Parts organized around the mobilizing defenses of fight and flight may still believe that hypervigilance and relentless mistrust are helpful survival skills, especially when the adult survivor is experiencing flooding, physical or emotional vulnerability. 

According to an article I read the way to overcome such challenges involve:

DISSOCIATIVE PHENOMENA IN THE EVERYDAY LIVES OF TRAUMA SURVIVORS
Janina Fisher, Ph.D.

Learning to manage the symptoms so that they do not interfere with or prohibit having a life in the here-and-now

 Learning to differentiate past from present so that post-traumatic symptoms are not confused with current reality

Strengthening the ego functions of the Adult Self, including learning how to differentiate between traumatized child parts of self and adult parts of self

 Learning how to foster internal communication and cooperation between selves: developing increased internal dialogue, trust, empathy, and compassion, developing the capacity to self-soothe, developing ways to resolve internal conflict

While this is certainly easier typed than actioned, as I find knowledge does not always equate to healing I hope this helps in some small way.

[Kizzie]

Hi BraveBuffy and a very warm welcome to OOTS     

When I first found out I had CPTSD because of my PD FOO, the thing that helped the most initially was learning how to manage them.  I did so at  our sister site Out of the Fog which has lots of really good info and support for dealing with personality disordered people. The techniques really helped me to get my anxiety down to a more manageable level when I was more in contact with my FOO.  See http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?wwwRedirect.  The toolbox is especially helpful because I found it gave me some control back when I could identify or name the behaviour they were using (gaslighting, triangulation, hoovering, etc) and then have some ideas about how to manage them.   And of course the support on the forum was so important too.

Managing them isn't the whole answer though so coming here is important too because they gift us with CPTSD and we need some ideas about how to recover and some support and encouragement along the way.  Hopefully you'll find some of that here 

[Sisue]

So, I am divorced from a narcissist and trying to coparent with him is an ongoing traumatic disaster. In meeting regularly with my therapist, it was just recently she mentioned that I have PTSD.

Same, same, same!  I am 10 yrs divorced from a N and have kiddos (youngest is now a teen) with him.  I don't know how you could  come out of a relationship with a N WITHOUT having PTSD. 

Coparenting with him is a disaster and nightmare at best.  I haven't even addressed this topic here yet as it is so lengthy and complicated.  And I just get so tired of him sucking my energy at every turn.  I have gone as NC as possible.  The only way I will "talk" to him is through text or email.  I will not talk to him on the phone or face to face.  I can't even look at him during exchanges.  The ONLY reason I would talk to him is if it was an emergency with my kids.  The hardest part is watching my kids "play his game" and being powerless to do anything about it.   

BraveBuffy, you have taken a huge step in popping on here.  You will find a bunch of wonderfully, supportive, understanding people who are more than willing to lend an ear and share their discoveries with you!
You are not alone!   

[BraveBuffy]

Thanks to those that replied. I really appreciate the support...

My biggest concern is how symptoms of PTSD (and CPTSD) seem awfully similar to Borderline Personality Disorder. There are certain things that have happened to make it seem like I might have Borderline, but upon looking closer, I survived narcissistic abuse throughout childhood and then in my marriage, so CPTSD makes more sense. The thing that bothers me is that after my divorce, I stopped talking to a lot of people that were kind of toxic to me, including my family, so it almost seems like I'm abandoning people, like a Borderline...but the truth is, I really just wanted to move on and build more healthy relationships. I completely quit all social media. I have a pretty significant trust and abandonment issue as well, which is another Borderline symptom. Thinking that I have Borderline, however, gives me tremendous anxiety...

With the way my ex husband spins and twists the truth (to my family, especially), I wouldn't doubt this is something he's saying I have...and making me seem like the dysfunctional one. I haven't spoken to my siblings in over a year at this point (not without lack of trying to get in touch), partly because of my ex husbands poisoned manipulation. His behavior is the definition of triangulation and gas lighting.

Anyway, I'm heading back into court over my son, and I'm pretty terrified of what may happen. I haven't been perfect nor have I been without symptoms of anxiety or depression, and I know my ex will stop at nothing to destroy me. I'm trying to be strong for my son, but with my symptoms of PTSD, it's very hard. I'm remarried to a wonderful man, and somehow I'm also terrified of losing him if my ex says something awful about me in court.

Any strategies for me to cope going back into court? Or strategies to catch my ex in his lies?

[Riverstar]

I imagine that the reason you feel anxious at the possibility of borderline personality disorder is because as someone with PTSD who's dealt with narcissists (as I have), one of the things you're fighting is the idea that you just made everything up and are crazy, rather than the people who hurt you. One of the reasons this idea is so hard to shake off is because the people who abuse us often tell us this lie too, and generally well-meaning people in society have an unfortunate tendency to echo them, by telling us things like we're "overreacting" (which I don't believe is ever true).

Of course you withdrew from other people. That's seems very sensible, under the circumstances, in the short term at least. If you're afraid of people abandoning or hurting you, it's a natural reaction to want to abandon them first. And I've been gaslighted a bit too, and I'm sure that's increasing your anxiety about all of this (being crazy, having people turn against you).

If you're really concerned about how your ex-husband is lying about you, you could try writing a short email to the people in question. It might be hard, and I'd recommend many drafts, but just because he's saying these lies doesn't mean those people believe them, so if they're good to you and you like them, don't give up on them without an explanation.

I want to be more helpful than I can be, maybe. Definitely talk to your husband about your concerns; I'm sure he won't leave you because of your ex's lies. If you're worried you'll doubt yourself and your memories because of your ex's gaslighting, it might help to write down the facts and bring them with you to court. Just remember that as someone going into a fight against someone who "will stop at nothing to destroy me", that means you're very brave. Remember yourself and what you've been through, and remember that your ex doesn't hold any more power than you do.

[sanmagic7]

when i used to be in conversations, situations, experiences, etc. with the narcs in my life, the lies they told to me and about me were, to my mind, incredible.   yet, they made me sound like i was totally off the wall to others in such a believable way that they were rarely doubted.  part of my problem with them was that i couldn't think as quickly as they could, and, therefore, couldn't come up with anything that sounded sensible in my own defense.  i also didn't find out till after the fact about a lot of what was being lied about me.

i think the idea of having notecards with you in court is great, especially notes that refute the lies that you know of.  anything specific you can remember that's been said about/against you that isn't true, write it down with the reality of the situation.  also, anything you did to the positive about your depression and anxiety, what helped keep those two conditions out of the way of your parenting.  one of my biggest problems with my narcs was that i would get tongue-tied in their presence.  having such notes written down, i think would help with that, with your nervousness, and with presenting yourself as  a solid, valuable, and stable parent.

i also agree with talking about your fears with your husband.  the more information he has, the better prepared he will be for what he might hear.  if you and he can be present as a loving, caring team, i think that will go a long way for a judge to see what you are offering your son. 

and, by the by, the healthier i got as i went farther down the path to recovery, the fewer friends and family members i retained in my life, including my oldest daughter.  so many of those relationships were toxic for me in ways i hadn't seen before.  i don't believe that's isolating - i believe that's self-care.  arm yourself as best you can against someone who wants to 'destroy' you, have as many support people as possible with you - would your therapist be available?  you're in a fight for your son, and it doesn't get much more serious than that.  sending all strengthening energy your way.  my very best to you with this.  you have had the courage to get out from under a lot of unhealthy gunk and begin making a new life for yourself and your son.  kudos to you.  and a big hug!