How do you separate yourself from the critic?

[Mindfield]

Hello,

I am new to Schema therapy and my therapist is attempting to get me to listen to my inner critic as if it is a separate entity.  By reading some of your messages it seems this is a skill some of you have attained.  But how?

Is not the critic just a part of you?

I hear my critic and whilst it scares me to go back and remember the nasty, horrible things im saying to myself.  I am also scared that what it tells me is true.  A part of me believes that it is warning me of my mental instability as such I am also scared to not listen.

I am really struggling with this concept.  When we did the imaginary work in therapy, whilst I was not placed in the chair my therapist proceeded to tell off the critic and tell it to be quiet. I felt like I was being attacked personally, after all it is just a part of my mind and by proxy me.

I guess I am asking, how do you separate yourself from this part? How do you know when to listen and when to ignore?  How do you shut the door on something that is intrinsically part of you?

Your advice and experiences will be greatly received.

[Dee]

This is common for people with eating disorders, and I use it for all types of issues.  I actually name them and then have a dialogue and it helps.  For example, my eating disorder is Ed.  Ed and I have conversations and if no one is around I will change places for him and me. For example:

Ed: Don't eat lunch today, you are going out to dinner tonight
Dee:  I have to eat lunch today, I don't need to save calories
Ed:  You have to save calories or you will be super fat
Dee: You are wrong and I am going to eat lunch

Ed is the platoon sergeant, I also have Ms. Perfectionism and a few more....

I have also wrote a letter to Ed and I have wrote down dialogue with Ed in my journal.

It works and after you do it for a little bit it isn't so weird.  I was reluctant to do it for a long time, when I did recovery became easier, a little.

[woodsgnome]

I've found the Inner Critic loves subterfuge and blending in to the background, so I don't always grasp its presence.

But if I do, I visualize it...as a gremlin with a mousy dwarf-like droopy but sinister look slightly reminiscent of your average blob and/or a scary but slimy bully. And someone who can also adopt unlikely disguises.

Having been an actor once, I also visualize the gremlin as the prototypical audience critic--skeptical look, not reacting to humour or any other emotion, closely scrutinizing every movement but slyly grinning and stifling down his glee when he thinks I've flubbed (i.e. if I'm not perfect, in his eyes).

If I catch him (not easy) in his own act, then it's my chance to lambast him/it with my own brand of scorn, more subtle than direct, as to get really angry with him/it is exactly what he/it wants, enjoys, and blobs for. Nonetheless, I can ratchet it up if I really need to vent.

I originally gleaned this from a charming little book called TAMING YOUR GREMLIN, a Guide to Enjoying Yourself, by Richard D. Carson, published in 1980 and still in reprint I think. It has glorious little line drawings scattered in the text. As time passes, I'm realizing all the little nuggets in the book, some of which I ignored the first read around. I have a ton of books, and went to look it up again recently, and out of a pile it literally fell off the shelf. Re-read it, and it's helping a lot with my process.

But that's not what you wrote about; just couldn't resist telling how I rediscovered my guidebook to dealing with the gremlin. Sadly, I rather forgot it, which may explain the glum demeanour of the gramlin critter since my rediscovery. I'm sure he's plotting to hide the book now, but I'm on to him this time.

Hope you can start turning a corner on your own villain. Careful; it's slippery, sly, and can easily hide. But now that you've made a start, don't quit. As you say, the critic can "just be a part of you" but the gremlin visualization at least shakes it out in a funny way. If it seems silly, that may paradoxically be a good thing; we've tried all the serious overtly 'adult' stuff. And no, my therapist tells me I've never exhibited any true signs of schizophrenia either.

My therapy sessions have been really intense lately. But watching me as I type this is an eagle-puppet, fetched for me by my therapist from the toybox that sits in her office. The eagle also represents my totem animal/spirit. Maybe I'll ask eagle to carry off the gremlin sometime. Soon. Which reminds me of that book's 3 themes: notice, play with options, stay in process.   

[sanmagic7]

from what i understand, your inner critic has become a part of the inner workings of your self, but is not truly a piece of you.  rather, it is a combination and culmination of all the critical things you've heard about you during your life.  because we've heard so much criticism about our 'selves' for so long, and from such (usually) a very young age, our child minds integrated those criticisms along with our own personal messages.  because those criticisms came from people older (and who we thought were wiser) than ourselves, eventually they overtook our own personal messages, and we lost the capacity to hear our true selves.

if you think of a baby, that baby's true personal messages speak to its needs:  it cries when it's hungry (survival), it expresses its true emotions (fear, happy, sad, angry, etc.), cries when it needs to be held or comforted or soothed - a baby has its true self's messages at the ready, and lets the world know about them without fear or shame.

we were all babies, we've all had this capacity.  somewhere along the line, other voices with other messages began speaking louder than our own messages, and, with a child's mind, we believed them to be true, and began ignoring or denying our own personal messages.  these 'other' messages then become internalized, and make up the voice(s) of our inner critic. 

the inner critic is simply that - criticizing messages about our selves, what we do, how we do it, how we are as a person, and include falsehoods, unreal expectations, shaming, and the like that we got from others.  they are not who we are, but rather who others wanted us to be, thought we should be, expected us to be.  your personal messages are all about doing and being the best you can, accepting yourself with both your strengths and weaknesses, and loving yourself just the way you are.

with this in mind, perhaps making 2 lists might help you be able to separate the inner critic's criticisms of you from the natural personal accepting and loving messages of your true self.  anything that says you are wrong or bad, etc., is the voice of an inner critic, and is not you.  best to you with this. 

[Mindfield]

Thank you, they are all really great tips that I have not tried before, I have the house to myself this weekend so going to give each a try and see if I'm able to..  I will let you know how I get on :0)

It's funny how you bring up the fact that the critic is an accumulation of messages that have been given to me and adopted as truths and not a part of my personal make up.  My therapist said exactly the same thing.  I didn't believe her when she said this so it's interesting that this is the message shared.  Seems like I have a lot to think about.