Still learning the ropes

[Stormy57]

Hi everyone. My c-ptsd started a couple of months into my therapy last fall. I was in therapy for chronic depression. I ended up in the hospital for being suicidal and after I got out the flashbacks started, and then the headaches and memories. It was awful. I had not idea what was happening to me. I still don't know what triggered all of this.

After several torturous months, my psychiatrist told me I had PST from severe childhood abuse and neglect. I'm on Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Seroquel. I was severely neglected and abused first by me mother. Then I was bullied at the same time by my older brother until he went off to school. He still bullies me to this day. My family was severely disfunctional in many ways. My father used to beat all six of us with a belt usually at my mother's demand. I call my father the Enforcer. I only recently started getting memories of being sexually molested outside the home several times before I was ten. That was the last straw. I've recently shut down in therapy and can't deal with anything more.

But why now?!  I'm 57, why did this come up now? I can't work. I've become a recluse. I thought at the time ptsd was only for soldiers and fireman. I've since educated myself about c-ptsd.

I have a great trauma therapist but it's been a rough year.

[Rain]

Hi Stormy57 and Welcome!!!   You have likely read enough of the posts to see that you are not alone.   I am so very sorry, and sad for what you have gone through.   And, to say you've had a rough year is an understatement.

Why now?   And, why are so many of us here in the same age group?!   

Yes, Stormy57    

You are a normal person that went through a very abnormal childhood.    Your symptoms are mine, and most everyone's here at some point in time or another.   So, you have great support here for you at OOTS, and a great trauma therapist.

Be loving to yourself, and patient with this ...a lot of stuff is releasing from your body (as I understand it so far these days!!).

You have survived, and you can recover.    You have company, and we are glad you are on the Journey to Healing with all of us.


You may want to check out Pete Walker's web site at www.pete-walker.com ...many free wonderful articles, and his book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving is used by many of us here on this Journey.

to you, Stormy57.    Share as you can, read all you want.   Please read the Member Guidelines, and I look forward to sharing in and learning from your posts.

[lostinspace]

I can relate Stormy 57. Although I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 34, I'm just finding out about CPTSD at age 56. This is like a whole new chapter in my recovery! May you find many reasons to stay in recovery.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Stormy, and welcome. I hope you'll find something helpful here.

I can relate to your distress about the way your life has been derailed. I was doing rather well during the 90s, and then in the 00s, everything I had thought I'd left behind suddenly came up again. The confusion alone was distressing - it felt like being swept up by a huge dark wave, I felt just so helpless to stop anything. If you're feeling something along those lines too, I can strongly recommend Pete Walker's work. Understanding how CTPSD works helped me immensely. Otherwise, CPTSD symptoms alone will distress you unnecessarily - if you're like me, even just feeling sad or grieving will let you instantly flail and panic because you want to get rid of that feeling ASAP. Knowing where that grief comes from doesn't make it better, but it makes it feel like less of a tsunami and more like "oh right, that again... well, if we must".

[keepfighting]

Hi, Stormy,

nice meeting you on this forum!

I am so sorry you had such a tough year. 

But why now?!  I'm 57, why did this come up now? I can't work. I've become a recluse. I thought at the time ptsd was only for soldiers and fireman. I've since educated myself about c-ptsd.

I have a great trauma therapist but it's been a rough year.

You must have very strong (emotional) defenses in place that kept you going for so many years. 

I don't know what triggered the depression and the EFs in your life. But it doesn't have to be something 'bad' that triggered it. In my case, it was a positive thing that triggered my CPTSD (although at the time I was diagnosed with PTSD - the C was added about a decade later when more was known about the difference between the two): I was finally in a safe and stable environment and my defenses were no longer set on maximum for 'bare survival' but relaxed a little... That's what opened Pandora's box for me; who'd have thought?!?

I hope you'll feel stronger and better soon.

Best wishes, kf

[Stormy57]

I don't know what triggered the depression and the EFs in your life. But it doesn't have to be something 'bad' that triggered it. In my case, it was a positive thing that trigge :hug:red my CPTSD (although at the time I was diagnosed with PTSD - the C was added about a decade later when more was known about the difference between the two): I was finally in a safe and stable environment and my defenses were no longer set on maximum for 'bare survival' but relaxed a little... That's what opened Pandora's box for me; who'd have thought?!?

I often felt it was the same for me keepfighting. My mom (my worst abuser) died in 2001 and a year later I met my current partner who I've lived with for 10 years. He's my anchor and our home has become my safe place. My psychiatrist suggested my psyche started loosening up after my mom died because I felt safer without her around. And my partner has been supportive and kind through all my ups and downs. Then I found a counselor who I could trust. I'm sure all these factors came into play and created the perfect storm for me to release.

I heard a c-ptsd "break down" is really break through. As painful as it all is I guess it's for the best and I hope the years I have left on the earth are more peaceful.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and greetings.

[Sandals]

Welcome, Stormy. Your question: "But why now?" is the same question I've been asking my T. I can point to a trigger, but have been asking, "Why didn't it happen then?"

I am so sorry that you've found yourself here and to hear about those awful things. You have a wonderful attitude and we'll be with you on your journey.