Meursault's Journal

[Wife#2]

I am so glad that court went as it should have. YES for all those plans to care for yourself - and a date, too!!

Maybe, just maybe, life can begin to get back to what you want your life to look like - it's finally time to begin the next chapter.

[meursault]

I'm feeling emotionally confused so far by all this.  It's been six and a half years with a sword over my head, and the imminent threat of jail and all that entails.  And then Poof!  it's gone.  I have been emotionally all over the place, but mostly excited about looking forward and trying to have a life again.... then I cycle into a rage over everything they put me through, and how much of my life was stolen.  Anyhow, mostly I'm just eager to live again.  I feel pretty strong having gone through this.  I heard my Dad's laugh in my memory for the first time in years today.

It's weird.  I sure got a lot of supportive comments through facebook, texts, emails, and calls in the last couple of days.  But it's weird.  It's like the Joseph Campbell "Heroes Journey"  thing.  I'm noticing how most people don't understand this.  It's like I've gone on this epic journey through *, and came back with some deeper understanding (I don't know what yet, mind you), but all these people are speaking the same old mundane language that doesn't reflect what I've gone through, it completely misses the point.  I don't know, it's like all these people just have this really simple understanding of things.  I guess it's always been like that with trauma, but I'm able to see it because I went from this frozen, constant state of ongoing trauma for years to a sudden and fairly "Soft" end to it.  Maybe it's the sudden change that gives me this feeling....

Most of what people who talk to me is very supportive, but there are quite a few people saying things that don't sit right, even though they are also meaning well, I think.  I get people don't understand, but then there are some people making comments that reveal they think I'm a screw up or deeply flawed.  It's like people have to tell a story about this to make THEMSELVES feel better.  It's a scary world when this could happen to ANYONE, at ANYTIME, so they have a narrative that I am stupid, or weak, or an addict.  How I've "LEARNED MY LESSON"  sort of thing.  They can feel safe and secure by looking down on me.  After all:  it couldn't happen to them:  they are not weak or stupid like me!

It makes me kind of sad.  People like us, who have endured more than most, are judged by people who are too afraid of their own weakness and project it on us.  That's how it's looking to me.  It's sad though.  People (internally at least) put us down, although we have already been through so much, and try to make us less than them, just to feel better about themselves.  What a contrast here where I get nothing but support, from people who have so much of their own stuff to deal with!

I think I'm going to be working on this for a long time....

I've got my goals for the next year.  Draw a lot, making comics.  Going to the gym and eating properly, and maybe doing some competition weight-lifting if I get good enough (the guy that owns my gym told me he could have me in competition shape in six months if I trained constantly).  Do yoga a lot.  Finish my house.  Go on a kayak trip for a couple of months by myself in the arctic.  Continue dating, and if it doens't work out with the woman I'[m currently seeing, try again!  And hopefully find someone I want to share my life with,and who maybe would want kids.  Play lots more guitar.  Do things with friends.  Meet new people.  Get a dog.  And most importantly, continue working on things with my therapist, and let her help look after the inner children in me, and help me work through all the * from when I was a kid...

Anyhow.  I have no idea what value I've gotten out of all this, but one thing is that I see how much better I feel when I exercise and do yoga.  The guy that owns my gym mentioned that he wants to return to his home country starting in three years, and spend every six months there.  He is wanting a partner to run the gym during that time.  That''s a faint possibility I'm going to look at.

I hope everyone here is doing okay!  I just felt like posting this.  I'm mostly spending my week doing yoga, gym, and sleep.  I'm sleeping like 12 hours a day....

Meursault

[radical]

My experience is that it's a longer road from finally getting outside the gates of * to peace and reconciliation than you expect.  People who say things like the "future begins now", or "it's over now" don't really get that.  From my own experience of years long legal battles (and winning) there is a lot of processing and many ups and downs on the way. ( I don't want to be a downer, note the word "ups".)

There is something I wish I'd learned from the experience.  My friend was primarily fighting for herself, for her own rights.  I wasn't able to do that.  I'm glad you were doing that, I wish I had been able to experience that then, and process it.  Savour that if you can, and grow form that foundation, as well as all the other aspects.  It may sound selfish and I'm not suggesting that you become a raging egotist as a result, just that you let it penetrate, understand how important it is to fight for yourself.  With backgrounds like ours here, sometimes that experience has never been allowed.

The friend I mentioned, had a newspaper article written about her and our experience.  (I didn't want to be involved in that).  She said "I was a school teacher.... (and other details of ordinary life)..... this happened to me and it could happen to you"  (direct quote).  It was one of the main reasons she wanted to be interviewed - to say that.  I don't know if it makes any difference to the ways people protect themselves from reality via denial.  I do understand how frustrating hearing others' self-protective denial feels and the intense desire to make them understand.  Other frustrating denial tactics include people wanting to tell you why the circumstances were unusual or unique, that what you experienced wasn't symptomatic of deeper problems but a freak occurrence, and that you winning somehow proves that.  Actually,most people lose when the deck is stacked against them.   There is so much injustice.  So if you lose, it somehow proves you were wrong despite the ridiculous odds against getting any kind of justice,  if you win, it somehow proves the system is working as it should.  Sheesh!

Take it easy and keep being kind to yourself.  I'm glad you are already working out plans for the future.  I believe it will see many dreams come true.

[sanmagic7]

meursault, it just sounds so good to my heart to hear you being able to talk positively about the future, making short and long-term goals for yourself, having some confidence on a personal level.  it's like a blanket of fire has been lifted from you and you were smothering in the smoke.  now you can breathe again, and i couldn't be happier for you.

those others?  wusses!  i'd like to see them take on what you've taken on and come out the other side as well as you have.  your courage and determination through all this was marvelous to behold.  couldn't be happier for you.

just keep pacing yourself - this may be a little euphoria talking right now, so be prepared in case you have a little crash as well.  it will all balance out as long as you can keep doing what's best for you.  you have some different eyes now, so you'll be able to see things more clearly.  but, for the most part, enjoy, do the work that still needs to be done, and know that all your emotions are valid.   you'll even out eventually.  yay, meursault!  big hug!

[meursault]

Radical, thanks for what you posted.  It's "good" to see someone else has some experience with this.  I used to be fairly trusting of the lgal system.  Now I am so disillusioned by the mindlessness, corruption, irrationality, spitefulness, and utterly unfair nature of it.  As you say, the system is stacked against you.  People don't realize how bad it is.  ANYBODY could be charged with ANYTHING, without any actual legitimate evidence, and they would still be facing an uphill battle to be found not guilty.  The system is fixed.

Sanmagic, I think I'm going to be pretty mindful of what I'm feeling for the next while, becasue there will likely be some pretty extreme emotional reactions.  I just have to try o keep on an even keel.

It's weird, I'm still trying to process it, but within 15minutes of the verdict, two of my sisters (the ones I have my only memory of SA stuff from when was four) came up to me and started trying to bully me and manipulate me, and were even calling me stupid for not doing what they said and ridiculing at me.  The whole thing felt really "off" and I trusted my intuition as they were trying to bully me into doing something, and I refused.  The details are pretty messed, but my Mom (who didn't know about this) later told me my sisters were talking to my lawyer and trying to get some information out of him, but he refused and said they had to get it from me.  There is something fishy going on.  ANyhow, it was interesting watching my sisters working together like it was all scripted, ordering me around, insulting me, trying to manipulate me, and constantly ignoring what I was actually saying and discounting my refusals as stupid, wrong, and inconsequential, until I emphatically refused them.

I've been struggling with this for 6.5 years, and 15 minutes after it's over, I'm being ordered around, bullied, and used... Very messed up.  I think I finally saw the value of not ever talking to these sisters again...

Meursault

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hello Meursault, Happy New Year to you! 

You got through a tough old year (or 6.5 years to be precise) and came out shining. It was traumatic... and there was the sisters to deal with after the verdict (ouch!) Are they NPDs? Best to avoid them till you are stronger I think. You have some fantastic goals for this year, and already started on them. You're an inspiration  I know how much weight training and working out can be such a stress reliever and mood booster, and yoga (and meditation) so grounding. I hope it all turns out well for you. Whatever happens, don't punish yourself if there is a setback, like Sanmagic says. Just pick yourself back up and keep going. With your positive mindset, anything is possible.  There is a saying: Expect the best, and that's what you'll attract.

Fen

[meursault]

Happy New Year everyone!

Somehow, some way, I hope you all find some of the healing you need in the coming year!!!

Fen:  Though she is quite infallible in her own opinion, I think my one sister is definitely NPD.  She is almost a caricature of the symptoms.  She even has one of the largest, most expensive houses in the city I live in.  It looks like a giant dollhouse, and she and her husband had it built for millions.  It is out in the open on a fairly majorly trafficked route, and she doesn't even put up trees so the view of her mansion is not obscured.  She is quite vicious, bullying, and debases and humiliates pretty well everyone she has power over.  She's really a lot like my Mom.  My Dad always complained to me growing up that "I married my mother and my daughters are all the same!"  She's the sister who basically doesn't talk to me.  I put my foot down and established healthy boundaries with her a couple of years ago, so she doesn't really speak to me and has gone around to extended family vilifying me.

The sister that she speaks to is similarly rich, but more understated.  She's kind of mildly famous in her field, and has been on the cover of a national paper several times.  She has complete emotional control of herself, and talks very robotically and basically "acts" all the time.  She almost ALWAYS follows the lead of the NPD sister, and has her  whole life.  The one exception is that she still talks to me whereas the other one doesn't.  Those are the two with whom there was some SA type stuff I remember.  The sister neither of them talk to has anger problems, but is very emotionally fragile, and extremely passive aggressive.

I think in my family, my Mom would be diagnosed with ASPD and maybe NPD, my oldest sister with MDD and GAD (she is nationally known in her field as well), the next sister NPD for sure, and the next sister I don't know.  She is very flat of affect and basically plays a character of what she thinks people expect.  She's been like that since her early teens.  It's like she consciously decided to hide herself and put on a mask.  I think my Dad would have been sub-threshold for NPD, but was mainly just an alcoholic and workaholic.

I've gotten GAD, SocPhobia, MDD, Agoraphobia, PTSD, C-PTSD, and Alcohol Addiction as diagnoses.  I almost always ask mental health professionals what they think regarding personality disorders, and they almost always say I definitely don't have one, so that's good.  A couple of times I've been told I have some cluster B traits, but that it's mostly because I'm overly worried what others think of me.

Saw my therapist yesterday and hd a good talk about how much she mean to me.  Talked about my family quite a bit, so that's obviously on my mind a lot the last few weeks.  I'm so looking forward to working on my stuff with her over this year. 

I'm not dating that woman I went on a couple of dates with, but we've become friends.  Strangely, a woman I've known for 25 years has started dating me.  We are kissing like a couple of maniac teenagers.  I've been avoiding sex though, even though we've been going out quite often.  I stopped during one of our kissing sessions a few days ago and said something like: "I hope it's okay that we're moving slow.  I don't want you to think I'm not interested or attracted to you, but I want to have closeness and intimacy before sex."  She said she understood and realized that and it was okay.  It's weird.  The moment it starts getting kind of sexual, I just freeze in complete terror.  I used to just be drinking when I had sex the first time with someone, so it wasn't an issue, and then after the first time it didn't seem to matter, I was already accepted.  Being sober and facing the possibility of sex, though, has me terrified.  Don't really understand what's going on there.  Think maybe I'm triggered, though.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

hey, meursault, it sounds like going slow is a good idea.  one thought that came to mind, since it sounds like the two of you are getting to know each other pretty well (in between all that mad kissing, lol!) is that maybe, if there's a time that feels right, you could talk to her about your fears of first-time sex.   i don't know if that's something that makes sense to you or seems right for you or anything, but it's something that, looking back, i wish i'd done more of.  too many of my relationships failed for lack of talking about some of this important stuff.

in the meantime, i hope you can continue to enjoy your freedom from the tyranny of the legal system, and enjoy your new lady as well.  i'm just so relieved that the horrors you went through are in the past.  my best to you for the future, on all levels, in every way, shape, and form. 

[meursault]

Hey all.  So I'm getting kind of insecure about this relationship.  I ask her if she wants to hang out every couple of days, but we're only seeing each other slightly more than once a week.  I get that she is busy working and whatnot, and does all sorts of other activities, but I only got to see her for an hour or two last week, and she seems to be keeping things at a once a week level.  When I talked with her about how I wanted to go slow regarding sex, I let her know I was wanting more closeness and intimacy first.  I'm not sure if she has misinterpreted that, or needs her own space or what.  I'm seeing her tonight and am going to have to bring that up.  I'm scared as can be about it.  I'm so fragile and easy to hurt, and all the asking if she wants to do something and her saying "not tonight" has me feeling really rejected, like it's just a matter of time, so maybe I'd be better off ending it myself before she does.  Neither of us are big texters either, so often i'll send something and she won't respond until the next day...

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just crazy....  Do I seem over-sensitive?

And then I have a problem with this woman I know (she's a daily alcoholic, chronically suicidal, and going through an on again off again separation with her husband).  I've been there for her as a friend repeatedly during suicidal times, and although I've told her about some of my stuff, I never leaned on her for it, just told her about some of it.  Anyhow, I mentioned how I lost one of my best friends after I quit drinking and how he was the guy I always thought would be my best man if I ever got married.  She responded that I'm not really marriage material.  I texted back how hurtful that was, and don't want to talk with her for quite a while.  She has texted that she was sorry and just joking around.  Like I am being over-sensitive.  I texted that I don't find telling people that they are unlovable funny.  She then got all "tough love" and told me how the world is hard etc.  and how she didn't mean anything by it, and I have been one of only two people who has cared enough about her the last couple of years to see how she's doing.  I don't know.  HEr comment, then her responses seem like abusive/gaslighting type stuff....  I'm doing really badly from it today.  Just feeling like EVERY woman sees me as COMPLETELY sub-human. disgusting and unlovable.  I'll get over it, but I'm really thinking I don't want to talk to her any more.

Anyhow.  It's weird.  I just went through that terrifying trial stuff, but I'm more scared with the woman I'm dating.  I've never dated sober before (at least in the early stages) and I'm discovering I'm constantly terrified and dissociative, as well as excited, calmed, and feeling warm fuzzies.  I wonder how I can work through this.  My therapist tells me it's best to talk with her about it all, but I'm so scared and I wouldn't even know where to begin.  I don't want her to think of me as so damaged I'm not worth it....  But if I don't address it, how is she reading my internal anxiety and dissociation?  Aloofness?  Disengagement?  I don't know.  I guess I'm going to have to talk with er about this, but I honestly don't know where to begin or how to approach it.  Somehow I don't think this will work: "Who has a lifetime of trauma involving women, is so terrified he's like a wild animal in your presence, and has two thumbs?  THIS GUY!"

Anyhow, just have to keep plugging along I guess.  I think I have to talk with her about this stuff tonight, though.  Much longer, and the sense of rejection and hurt I'm experiencing are going to be too much that I'll be genuinely adverse to being around her personally.

Meursault

[Wife#2]

Oh, mearsault, HUGS to you!

The only thing I can think to suggest is to take it slow when you do talk to her tonight. If she's staying with you, keep going. If she gets overwhelmed and quiet, take a break from your truth to ask her how she's feeling about what she's hearing. It will be a lot to take in and might be too much for one evening.

I know I found out about my husband's story over years. I knew parts, and no details at first. Slowly, as he felt comfortable, he told more details. We've been married 12 years and I'm still learning about his full story.

Funny thing is, he knows very little about my full story. He knows bits and pieces - when I've had to explain why I reacted the way I did.

As to the friend who you've been there for and who hurt you - no, you are not being overly sensitive. Yes, the world is hard and harsh and can be unbelievably cruel. Our friends shouldn't add to all that. The phrase - with friends like that, who needs enemies? - comes to mind. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth saving, but I can honestly tell you that I would be ashamed of myself if I said that to a friend who has been through tough times.

[meursault]

Thanks for your comments Wife #2!.  I feel a bit more validated about that friend...

I'm about to walk out the door to go meet the woman I'm dating.  Am I nervous.  Definitely don't want to go into too much detail...

I make comics about my stuff I kind of wanted to share.  Here's a link to one story trying to detail some of my life.  I don't go into much about growing up, but just the sense of things.  I have quite a few of these things, and I got a bunch printed into actual comic book form...  Anyhow, I'm off to meet her, God, I hope this doesn't blow up....

WARNING!!! There is some swearing, cutting, and typically sexualized comic book poses... http://wps999.blogspot.ca/2017/01/blog-post.html

[sanmagic7]

good luck, meursault.  i hope it goes well.

for the record, i echo what wife2 said about going slowly with any of this.  different people will react in different ways, but that's not on you, not you being a monster or anything.   that's their own crapola, if it's neg. or their own compassion if it's pos.  we have no idea of their backgrounds and histories, which can make for some really different perspectives and perceptions about anything and everything.

and i also agree it's not being too sensitive.  you're as sensitive as you need to be for you.  no shame, no blame.  people who are in the throes of active addiction just can't be relied on for anything, including support or being accountable for their actions.  thus 'you're too sensitive', putting the blame for their rudeness on you.

again, good luck tonight!  big hug!

[radical]

Hi Meursualt,
Heres' my take.
Having grown up in an abusive family and then usually mixed with other troubled, (and too-often abusive) people i have been messed up about how relationships of all kinds usually work.
Most healthy people don't do careering into things at full-speed.  They take time to get to know others and trust builds over time.  Being healthy, they also have a whole lot of other interests, relationships and commitments.  They have boundaries and are clear about what they do and don't want to do, and it isn't personal if they prioritise something or someone else.  There is no hidden agenda, you don't have to read the tea-leaves or interpret major dramas.

Take your time, don't let your loneliness and insecurity steer the ship imo.  You've been through so much. Many people will have difficulty understanding, but the right people will want to listen and understand, because you are a brilliant person and potential partner.

I'm sending you a link that you might find helpful.  The site is gender-neutral, but being about improving and understanding relationships, it is weighted towards women:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

[meursault]

Thanks for the comments.   I feel like it's all pointless.  I agree that I have no idea what healthy looks like in a relationship and clearly I'm lost there.  I just got back from our date.  I'll check out that site tomorrow.  I was unable to talk with her about this stuff.   We didn't kiss or hold hands or anything.  I just feel so much rejection I don't want to even try any more.  I give up with her.  I was in a stupor most of the evening.

Anyhow, I mostly want to just start drinking again.  Women liked me more when I was drunk.

Meursault

[radical]

Sorry you're so sad and confused.
I doubt women liked you more when you were drunk. I suspect you just bypassed the hard stuff, and cared less how other people felt about you.
You are very much a person who is worth knowing.  You have so much to offer the world and other people.  I hope you can be as kind to yourself as someone like you deserves.