Massive EF - "object constancy"/abandonment depression

[mourningdove]

I've been feeling this for days now and it is unbearable. It was triggered by something relatively small - a good friend acting slightly different and then not getting back to me as soon as I would have expected/liked. (Don't worry; it's nobody here.) Shouldn't I feel better that they did eventually respond to a hello from me and said that they have been busy lately? Because it actually made me feel worse! I suppose it is because they didn't say much else, and thus I have no reassurance about the connection between us. And my thinking brain knows that all this could prove to be no big deal, and that there is no proof that anything is even amiss, but...

I've been on the phone with my T every day, which is unheard of for me. It makes me feel weak and needy, and yet this other feeling I have is so unbearable that I don't know what else to do. It just keeps going and going. Every waking moment is agony. If psychiatric drugs had not already destroyed my life, I'd gladly take them. If drinking weren't a huge no-no for me, I'd drink. I really don't know how to explain how awful this feeling is. It's hard to even describe because it is so huge. My T will be away on the weekend, and that makes me scared.

It's all really irrational and I know that, but the knowledge doesn't take away any of the pain. The sense of loss I feel is staggering, even though it's not even certain that I've lost anyone. But just the possibility is so unbelievably painful, because I really felt such a great connection with this particular person. I can't imagine having the same kind of connection again with anyone else. All I can imagine is being completely alone forever, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop feeling it in my whole body, and seeing it everywhere I look.

[Three Roses]

Do you suppose your inner kid is trying to show you something?

We're here for you, hang on

[radical]

It doesn't take much.  I was triggered into a severe EF this week when a friend didn't believe me and cross-examined me over whether I had said I owned a printer cord.  I didn't know what it was about for her, she seemed so hostile, but it sent me to a horrible place.  I suppose what matters is the EF, about looking after yourself through it, trying not to control what is outside your control, and knowing it will pass.

Warm thoughts coming your way

[movementforthebetter]

 

I struggle with this a lot as well.

It's been scary, but I have been trying to stay present in the pain, and telling myself that it will pass. I've also tried to take it as an opportunity to mourn the ideas I had of my relationship to each person I have felt this abandonment with. Even my expectations in relationships in general, to a smaller degree. I think it's helped me see these relationships more realistically as opposed to idealistically, if that makes sense. For one specific traumatic event, I had EMDR, but it's all those smaller abandonment issues that make up the bulk of my CPTSD.

It's also been an opportunity to practice comforting myself, which I've had more success with some days than others. Some days it's been as simple as "I will make tea and drink it outside while reading a book rather than ruminating on my losses right now. I deserve a break."

I try to talk to my inner child, but still find that difficult. I find it hard to identify her.  So I try to talk to myself more generally in terms of what one step I can take to improve my well-being right now, and focus on that. Literally living in the moment when the thought of a lonely future is too overwhelming.

I hope you can find what works for you. I believe it's a reaction that can be lessened over time with effort. I think that healthy distraction is a totally valid coping tool, if you can find a healthy distraction that works for you.

[mourningdove]

Thank you all. 

Another day, and it's still going strong. I keep checking for messages from my friend, only to have my heart sink every time I find nothing. I have an appointment with my T later, which I am very grateful for, but beyond that is the dreaded weekend.

It's very very common for me to get restless and worry when I don't hear from someone when or as much as I expect to, but this a whole new level, and I don't know what to do. It's really caught me by surprise. Something very deep must have been triggered, I guess. It scares me that I can feel this badly over something like not being contacted as I'd hoped.

I am pessimistic about my friend being in touch soon, but I don't know if that is intuition or if it is catastrophizing.

[woodsgnome]

Abandonment issues rank high in my experience as well. It especially hurts when someone seemed so in tune with your being on many levels, and suddenly without any sensible or logical reason, seems so utterly distant. With me, it all feeds my deep people fears again; I play at being open and available, but then what you describe happens, and I'm lost in misery, in comes the low self-esteem, and I begin to assume that it's me, again. I presently have 3 situations similar to what you're describing. One party I've given up on, the others I'm close to hitting the depths as well.

I've finally found a superb therapist, but these abandonment issues continue to discourage. Even the slightest hint from her that my insurer needs to know this/that/other from her threatens to strangle me with fear of abandonment, despite her reassurances that it's just routine. The last t session was nearly ruined by this 'routine' paperwork game.

About the only optimistic stance I can offer is that there have been occasions when I was surprised to learn that my interpretation of someone's seeming disinterest wasn't true abandonment. However, that after-story doesn't alter how awful it feels. I can figure that others don't always understand this on my part, as the trick is not to seem 'needy' either. But so many times I thought I knew I could count on them as friends, and then...


Okay, it's a vicious circle, like so much of this ride; wish I had a definite pointer to a better way of thinking about this, but here's a start:

[Kizzie]

Hi Mourningdove - What about checking in with your friend again, perhaps even asking if they are OK because you are feeling a bit of worried? You don't have to say that you're worried about your friendship specifically, but in reaching out you let them know you care. They may actually be dealing with some issues and appreciate that you are thinking about them, you never know. 

[mourningdove]

Another day, and still no relief. The T visit yesterday was comforting at least, but now it's back to this horrible feeling.

It especially hurts when someone seemed so in tune with your being on many levels, and suddenly without any sensible or logical reason, seems so utterly distant.

This is exactly what I'm dealing with, woodsgnome. I'm sorry that you know what it's like. I think the magnitude of this EF is probably increased by just how much I felt in tune with this particular person on so many levels. Now I perceive utter disconnect.

About the only optimistic stance I can offer is that there have been occasions when I was surprised to learn that my interpretation of someone's seeming disinterest wasn't true abandonment.

I'm hoping so hard that this is the case for me. At the same time, it really bothers me that I can be thrown like this over something so small - that the mere possibility of abandonment by a friend has me feeling like I will not survive.

I can figure that others don't always understand this on my part, as the trick is not to seem 'needy' either.

YES! That's another concern I have all the time, and that's why I am hesitant to communicate directly to them about the situation. It's all so hard to navigate.

What about checking in with your friend again, perhaps even asking if they are OK because you are feeling a bit of worried? You don't have to say that you're worried about your friendship specifically, but in reaching out you let them know you care. They may actually be dealing with some issues and appreciate that you are thinking about them, you never know. 

That's a really good idea, Kizzie. It's not something that I feel comfortable doing immediately, because the person did seem to indicate when they replied briefly that they are more or less okay. But if there is another stretch of silence, I may do just what you suggested. Gosh, I hope there isn't another long stretch of silence...

Thank you all so much for being here for me. 

[mourningdove]

Wow, I can't believe it's only been less than 7 hours since I wrote last... That's the thing about this particular EF. It's just. Not. Letting. Up. I guess I'll read all the replies again.


And give myself a witch.

[radical]

Sorry you are feeling this.  You are doing the right thing in talking about it.  I just withdraw. I try to heed Pete Walker's advice, and reach out, but find I just cant do it.  Next time, I'll try and do as you are doing and write on here.
it might not feel like it, but even through the pain and panic, you are doing great with it, finding words, letting others respond.

Hang in there, Mourning Dove

[mourningdove]

Awww, thanks radical.

I guess this is sort of an experiment in reaching out. I hadn't thought of it that way until you wrote.

Thanks so much for keeping me company. 

[mourningdove]

Well, I think the magnitude of this EF is down to about 80% today. It's still fairly consuming, but I don't feel as much like I am suffocating, so I'm grateful for that... 

[Kizzie]

   Glad to hear that Mourningdove and hopefully each day now it will recede even more. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, mourningdove,

i've just gotten out of an 8-mo. ef, and i can relate to so much of what you've said here.  my best friend, also c-ptsd, doesn't email me as often as i'd like, and there have been many times that i've felt what you're talking about.  constantly needing reassurance that everything is all right between us has been the pits. 

i agree with radical about you reaching out here, and i'm so glad you've been able to do that.  writing my stuff out on this forum helps give me a different perspective just from the physical act of seeing the words - it's like a different angle for my brain to view what i'm going through - and all the support and feedback has helped buoy me up at times when i've felt like i was drowning.  there have been so many times that a realization or revelation has come to me at the moment of writing.  i encourage you to keep it up.

wish you didn't have to be going thru this, and i do hope it keeps receding.  hang tough - we're hanging right beside you!

[mourningdove]

Thank you so much, Kizzie and sanmagic! 

I stopped posting about it a few days ago, because I started to feel self-conscious about posting over and over. In the meantime, my friend did get in touch with me again, and explained why they had been so quiet. I was able to ask for some reassurance without coming off as too needy (hopefully), and my friend gladly provided it. That was such a relief that I was shocked when the EF kept on going. Then I remembered that my friend's distance was only the immediate cause of it and not the root of the problem. 

This has been quite a learning experience and all of your thoughts have been very helpful. Thanks again for your your support, everyone!