I'm going to have to do something about my stalker

[Dee]

I have come to the conclusion that I have to do something, but I am still hesitant.

Where I get my treatment I have been having an issue with another patient.  First he asked me out and I said I'm recently divorced and not interested.  Then he asked if I would be his friend, not wanting to be mean I said yes.  The next time I saw him I was going into and appointment and he was going out.  When I left the building he was standing there with flowers.  I thanked him for the flowers and again told him I was not interested.  He said I made that clear, but he wanted to be a friend.  Then he watched me walk to my car.  He also got my phone number, but I didn't give it to him.  He started texting and I again told him I was not interested, he said he understood and that wasn't his intention.  Then the weird texts started.  "I'm walking down by the creek and I'm thinking of you and tears are dripping down my face thinking of your beauty." I also received a few calls.  The last time he saw me I going into an appointment when I got done he was standing by my car, gave me roses, a statue, and told me he loved me.  He also complained about the facility and told me they misunderstood him, the doctor called security, and he is flagged (employees alerted) for potential violence.  He also told me he carries a gun and has to leave it in his car while he is at the facility. 

Since that event I sent a text to never contact or text me again.  I received an immediate text in response.  That night I went to the hospital for a few days, when I got out there were two voicemails.  One angry that I was mean and broke his heart.  The other was asking me to forgive him for whatever he did.  A few days passed and I got another text telling me "I MISS MY SPECIAL FRIEND."  Then three full weeks passed and I thought it was over and I just got more texts, links to love songs.

So I've been rescheduling appointments to not be around when I think he is there.  I plan escape routes and change where I park.  I circle the parking lot looking for his car.  I stopped going to yoga at the facility.  I have channeled James Bond, pretty well I must admit. 

I'm thinking it is enough, but I know how this goes.  First, I have to make a statement, then he denies it, but I had let security read my phone.  Then he blames me, says I led him on, and I was nice.  I become the bad person, blamed, and wonder if anyone really believes me.  The truth was I was never confrontational or not nice to him when I saw him.  I even engaged in some conversations, when he started it.  Like I told him I never had an issue with the facility.  I even told him I had to go and pick up my son who is a senior in high school at one point.  Three times when confronted and not wanting to say no (afraid to say no) I said I would go to lunch but I always cancelled and never went.  This was before I told him never to contact me again and after I said I was not interested.

I'm really afraid of being wrong, not believed, being made out to be that bad person, of making him more angry.  I could use some perspective. 

[movementforthebetter]

This sounds like a very uncomfortable and threatening situation. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

Have you spoken to the facility staff about his actions? Since he's creating a threatening environment for others, maybe they can take some responsibility here. I'd be curious how he got your number, for example. Maybe they can assist with scheduling, or maybe they even have a process in case someone is harassing others.

If you have to file a restraining order, I wish you luck and strength. 

[Three Roses]

I would recommend you contacting the police & filing a report, to start a paper trail.

There's a free app called Aspire, it's got some pretty cool features like dialing 911 for you, recording conversations when prompted, etc. http://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/aspire/ (The app is for people in violent relationships but don't let that stop you.)

Let your friends know you have a stalker and definitely let your therapist know. Give your friends a secret password that, if you use it when talking to them, lets them know you're in danger. It may be a good idea to keep your GPS on your phone turned on.

Stay safe

[Three Roses]

Here's more info -

http://m.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-a-Stalker#qa_headline

[radical]

If you have a library get out 'The Gift of fear', by Gavin de Becker.  Read the entire section on stalkers and take every bit of advice.  It won't make you more afraid,  de Becker is an international  authority on dealing with stalkers, and gives incredibly detailed information.  My God, this guy carries a gun and is flagged for violence!
I feel the care provider has let you down in leaving you to deal with this.  I feel they should have taken immediate and decisive action to protect you.  I know how freaked out I've been by a couple of harmless stalkers.  This should never have happened to you.  You have been let down.
Please keep us informed so you at least know you have a team of supporters, (as inadequate an an online support group is for this kind of situation).

[Dee]

I know the facility will take action if I decide to pursue it.  My therapist knows and we discussed ways to stay safe.  I am afraid of reporting is the problem.  Also, because of my control issues and my reactions to feeling disempowered and disclosure they are cautious to do anything without me.  I need to report it.  Also, I think we all thought this was over.  The new texts have prompted me to believe I have to take action, but I'm so afraid of doing so.  I also wonder because of the time elapse that maybe it isn't as serious now?  Only a few texts, three weeks after the last ones.  He has never threatened me, only told me he loves me and I hurt him, broke his heart.  And what can they do anyway, talk to him?  Seriously, that will just make it worse or make him more angry I think.  I'm not sure there is a win here.

I'm really afraid of being wrong, not believed, being made out to be that bad person, of making him more angry.  And of course, there is the thought, that I must have done something to cause this.

My therapist is on vacation this week and I'll see her next Monday.  I do see my psychiatrist and could talk to him this week.  My head is spinning.  The sad part is I could of seen my therapist this week, but it was the same day as this stalker guy is there so I canceled my appointment she is gone the rest of the week.

Radical - I'm going to look up the book now, e-books.  Maybe I won't feel so stupid, crazy, overreactive.

[Contessa]

Sorry to hear this Dee, its the last thing you need right now.

Without being an alarmist, I believe this needs intervention no matter how harmless this seems. I suggest saving the texts you have already as legal proof, not answering any further texts received, and blocking his phone number for both calls and texts if your phone has that function as a start.

Three Roses' idea is good. You might not get far with the police, but starting a paper trail will be good for any further incidences down the track, there may be one on him already from someone else, or you may create one that will eventually support the next victim.

Finally, try and seek legal counsel. Is there a free service you can contact to discuss options?

Hang in there Dee, you're doing well. Keep checking in.

I might check out those books at a later stage, wish I knew of them when I needed them

[Three Roses]

 

You're not stupid, you were trying to be sensitive to another human being. You're not crazy, you are concerned. You're not over-reacting, you are taking steps to be safe and that's what you should be doing.

Without being too much of an alarmist, chances are slim that just the passing of time means he's lost interest. Be safe.

We are here for you, Dee.

[Contessa]

Three Roses, agreed.

Your safety comes first Dee 

[Riverstar]

Maybe this isn't the best advice right now, but in the future I would recommend reading up on assertiveness. It can be a weak point for PTSD people. I too can have trouble saying no to people because I don't want to be mean (and hurt people as I was hurt), but saying 'no' isn't mean - it can actually be kind, because it doesn't lead to misunderstandings.

Your fears of being wrong, not believed, to blame, being (seen as) a bad person, and making him angrier are all related to your initial abuser and not this guy, which might help to think about. I'd call the police and tell him off. There's absolutely no reason you wouldn't be believed - no one knows/trusts/likes this guy and you have texts to prove what he said. Being seen as a bad person is also a fear that someone else gave you, because you're not a bad person, end of story. Fear of angering him, beyond if you're actually frightened of him attacking you, might actually be a feeling of other-people's-happiness-matters-more-than-mine coming through, which seems to be the same reason you initially said yes to him, even though you weren't interested. And given your PTSD and your past (which I can only guess at), saying 'yes' that one time was very reasonable as an action to a) keep you safe from people and their anger and b) not hurt people as you were hurt. So this problem has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you - he could have picked anyone and the situation would be the same. I'm just offering this analysis/insight in the hopes that thinking through this practically might help you to see that HE'S the crazy one (and whoever hurt you is probably crazy too), and NOT you.

Good luck! Hope that helps. Don't doubt yourself or dismiss his mistreatment of you. And good job telling him to leave you alone!

[Dee]

Riverstar, you are all over it.  Assertiveness and assertiveness rights are something I have been working on in therapy.  I have made a lot of progress, but when I am scared or panicked I forget it.  And yes, my issues do stem from my initial and most significant abuser.  I do however believe that some people can sense an easy target and as much as I am working, I think it still radiates from me.  I am making a lot of improvement on being less passive.

Contessa, thanks, it is the last thing I need right now, but I also know this was a part of what led to my recent spiral.  I was so busy trying to tell myself that it wasn't bothering me that I wasn't validating my own emotions and triggers.  I am not going to do that anymore.

Three Roses, I checked out the site and I appreciate the advice.  As always, you are very supportive and helpful.

All, I appreciate the support greatly and the advice was sound.  I made of list of ideas to keep me safe from your suggestions.  I also decided to talk to someone but I have yet to decide if I will do it Wednesday or wait until Monday when I see my therapist.

[sanmagic7]

dee, best to you with this.  absolutely, number one is to stay safe, and that probably means getting the authorities involved.  all the advice and tips you've gotten here are on point. 

one thing i've learned is that i don't have to be 'nice' to strangers.  i don't have to accept advances, gifts, invitations, texts, calls, anything.  for future reference, this is something i learned from my husband, who's had a lot of experience dealing with people who are shady or have hidden agendas.  he's told me to use the word 'no' without hesitation or explanation, because otherwise these types of people misread the hesitant 'no' as a possibility for a future 'yes'.

you weren't crazy, nor stupid, only reacting to the script that had been set up for you.  we have been taught to be 'nice to others' to our own detriment.   as far as people not believing you, or thinking you're weird, you have enough evidence as to the truth of what's going on.  all my support for you as you pursue this, and best of everything for a swift and positive resolution for you.  this kind of thing just sucks!

[Dee]

My therapist and I discussed it.  I am doing some writing about my thoughts, fears, and we are picking up the conversation next week.  She said she doesn't want me more hyper vigilant than I already am.  She did acknowledge that this guy is about the same age as my dad and how that is playing into it a lot.  So....to be continued.  Until then I'm in James Bond mode.

[Three Roses]

Stay safe! I've been thinking of you 

[Dee]

A quick update.  Because it has been several weeks since any incidents, and the contact continuously decreases we are leaving this.  Right now I really don't have a complaint.  Yet, I think part of that is because of the precautions I take not to have any contact.  I park in staff parking, thinking he won't look for my car there.  I look for him before I move anywhere.  I did once see him in a parking lot as I was exiting a building and I was very brave and hid behind a truck until he left.  I do think if he sees me there will be confrontation.  Yet, I am not being harassed with text messages or phone calls any longer.  So being cautious with optimism.  Just sucks that I had to stop some things I did at the facility like yoga.  However, the lack of contact has decreased my stress level.