Job Anxiety

[movementforthebetter]

Hi everyone,

I start my new job tomorrow after being unemployed for 10 months. I am incredibly nervous and my anxiety has been escalating for the last few hours. I am getting a tension headache from worry and my jaw is clamping up. I did yoga today and have been focusing a lot on my breathing since yesterday. My tension keeps coming back the second I stop being totally conscious of my body, leaving little room for anything else.

I have to go to sleep in a couple hours to wake up early, a new schedule for me. I did not succeed in pre-training myself to get up early. Instead I slept a ton, and seemed to need it.

I have the usual fears. I didn't brush up on my skills like I thought I should. I am trying to be forgiving about that. It was my last non-working week, and I was relaxing.

My last workplace was highly competetive and in the end I couldn't cut it. I am afraid I'm not "hungry" enough, although I was actually an exploited intern in my last job. I felt really traumatised after it ended and my layoff was the main reason I started pursuing therapy, leading to me realising everything else I needed to deal with in my life.

I know this fear will probably prove false in this workplace - it's a very different culture at the new job. It is, however, extremely fast-paced and always changing. That variety and stimulation is something I like. But I don't have the same work speed as people unburdened by a relentless inner critic, dissociation and perfectionism. And now that I understand these things better, these are the source of deeper fears. What if I can't conquer them enought to perform my best?

The good news, I'm unionized. The bad news, 6 months probation. The immediate good news, I probably won't need to do anything of consequence this week besides be an information sponge. The immediate bad news, I can't control the emotional flashback I am having at just the thought of work and workplace politics.

I don't have a question... Theoretically I know what to do. Self care, self care, self care. At the moment that includes reaching out, so thanks for being here.

[Three Roses]

You got this

[Dee]

You probably don't hear this very much but it all sounds really normal : )  New job anxiety.  Let us know how it goes.  My guess is that when you said you cannot perform at the same speed as others that too is your inner critic.  It sounds to me you were qualified or you wouldn't have gotten the job.  My guess is you are just as qualified as your coworkers.

[Kizzie]

We're rooting for you 

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks guys, it was as good as first days usually are. I guess it's normal... None of my friends have ever said they have felt this way starting a new job.

I couldn't sleep last night but managed to get out the door on time.

I was able to let go of expectations and pre-judgements once I got there, but not before, haha. Nothing worked properly, like computer profiles, and nobody had a plan for me. In the past this would have upset me, but today it just was what it was. So that in itself is some progress.

I am soooo broke after being unemployed and this job came almost at the actual last minute. I can't wait for my life to start leveling out, bit by bit.

Thanks again for the vote of confidence.

[Dee]

I'm glad to hear how well you did and more so how well you handled issues that would have been very upsetting before.  I smiled when I read your reply, that was nice.  I always felt it takes six months before you feel like you have a clue.  The first six months is just keeping your head above water.  After that I had more confidence in what I was doing.  In the military I had the first six months a lot.

[sanmagic7]

all right!  you got the first day under your belt, none of the horrendous things you were worried about happened, and hopefully you're able to sleep again.  then, it's just a matter of one more day, over and over.  you'll make it work.  maybe it won't be perfect, but it'll be good enough, at least till you get your legs under you a bit more firmly.  big hug!

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear it went well (as well as first days typically go that is).   

[movementforthebetter]

I thought I'd post an update. Trigger warning for inner critic talk in case you don't want to go there. Appologies, this is long.

I'm almost 2 weeks in, now. I came onboard right at my industry's busiest, or tied for busiest time of year. Mostly I was focused on absorbing things for the first week.

This week has been all hands on deck. Super busy. I'm learning, but people don't have time to teach me much so mostly I get small projects to work on, or I am "shadowing" someone; passing the wrenches, etc.

I have one coworker that I get along with but have communication issues with him, too. Sometimes I ask him something and he appears to be ignoring me. And there have been a few other things that have caused some emotional flashbacks. I'll detail yesterday below.

One of the tasks I was given appeared on the surface to be easy but actually was very time-consuming, taking the whole day. When asked for an estimate up front, I thought the task would take about a half hour. He incredulously said "That long?!" and I thought I was being perrfectly reasonable. But then I discovered he'd given me measurements half of what he actually wanted - he meant for me to double his measurements but never explicitly told me that. Then I couldn't get enough space to work easily, and then had to walk across our HUGE facility to get more materials because he didn't calculate how much material he would require. Then when I finally finished he told me that he miscalculated a third of the measurements. He stayed late to finish/fix that bit.

My inner critic started up right after his first comment - I should be faster! Then I was mad at him for making the comment. I briefly mentioned the comment to another coworker who was there, and he said he was probably joking, but he's so deadpan it's hard to tell. Ok, so I guess that's ok to let go. Then all the issues with measurements had me thinking I should have been able to anticipate this and ask better questions up front. Like I should know better... This is the field I studdied.

So yeah, this week my ICr is taking every chance to show me how I'm not measuring up, even though I don't believe these things are really my fault.

This all ties in to my concerns about taking the appropriate amount of responsibility for my actions and their outcomes. I put huge pressure on myself to get things right but in this environment it's pretty organic and hard to anticipate everything. I know I screw up sometimes, but often I feel that the screwups come from external circumstances. In the past, when I explained why things went wrong to others, I have been told I was making excuses. This has happened enough times over the last 16 years thst I internalized it. So now my ICr has a party every time something goes wrong. Which it will, all the time, in my line of work. At least now I understand what is happening instead of just believing I am awful. I hope it will lessen in time. For now I have to rely on thought-stopping.

The funny thing is that I am a lot more conscientious than many others in a lot of ways. I just feel like I never know the truth of my own experience. My ability to trust my perception is still damaged.

Anyway, I love the job, it's fun and challenging. I think it will be good for me. Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

[Three Roses]

 

[Kizzie]

I find wrangling with the Inner critic to be exhausting at times too MFTB, it's like "Oh shoot, wish you hadn't said/did that, now I am going to have to deal with both my Inner and Outer Critic for the next couple of days!" 

Some things do roll off me more easily in the past, while other things still trigger me into that whole cycle so  to you, it's a royal pain to have to manage I know. Hopefully it will help your IC and OC to fade a bit that you do love the job.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks, Three Roses and Kizzie.

Today was another tough one. It's been a long week and people were snappy today. Trying to take them at their word that they're just tired, but that little gremlin is still on my shoulder.

There are some things that I know I am weaker in - short-term memory, for one. And I know I'm kinesthetic so I need to do things to reinforce learning like making notes or repeating motions. We've been too busy for me to do that, and my forgetfulness combined with others' impatience has made for a couple trying exchanges, and really fed the gremlins.

So glad it's the weekend!

[Kizzie]

Time to rest and regroup