Trying to make some sense of it all...

Blossoming · October 11, 2016, 07:53:14 PM

I'm not even sure if I have anyone in my life with a personality disorder. What I have had and still have for sure are alcoholics in my life. I can relate to cPTSD but haven't been officially diagnosed. I was told I had PTSD about 15 years ago though so I probably could have cPTSD.

Today I was supposed to have my first phone T session in a year and my therapist didn't call. I waited 8 days for the appointment and it was a huge disappointment so I figured this would be a good time to start journaling.

I primarily wanted to talk to my T about my job and feeling too disabled to continue doing my current job. I work (part-time atm) in emergency/ critical care in the medical field and I feel like it is a very bad fit for someone with my mental health issues. I often have nightmares about my work and that has been happening for a long time. I've applied to other jobs but no one wants to take a chance on hiring me for significantly lower pay and I suppose the concern is that I wouldn't stay. It's been hard being continually rejected. I feel too out of sorts currently to even contemplate applying for more jobs or even figuring out what type of work I would want to do.

I was hoping T could point me in the right direction for applying for disability until I can get myself together enough to take on the stress of figuring out a career change. I haven't worked full time in three years and it's taking a financial toll plus I'm not getting any better because I'm still doing the same work and not addressing my other issues. It's like a viscous cycle but I don't feel like I can completely quit right now without losing everything. I have gotten my eating disorder in remission so that's one positive thing I've accomplished in the last three years.

There are other issues too but right now the job seems the most pressing thing I need to deal with first to open up space for working on me. I might try the free counseling offered through my job since my T didn't call for our appointment today. It stinks because I trusted her and she let me down but I have to be a grown up and figure out how I can get the counseling I need.
To be continued...

sanmagic7 · October 12, 2016, 05:37:48 PM

free counseling sounds like a better idea than no counseling. that's really a bummer that your t let you down like that. grrr! perhaps an on-site counselor can help steer you in a positive direction toward what you're looking for. i've been out of work so long, i'm pretty unknowledgable about what's available in the workplace nowadays. best to you with this. i hope you get the help and suggestions you need.

Blossoming · October 12, 2016, 09:40:17 PM

Thanks for the reply sanmagic7. I got the number for the counseling when I was at work today so now all I have to do is call.
The thing with my t really bothered me. I suppose I could have emailed her but after that happened I'm not even sure I want to bother with it. It's like a repeating pattern in my life right now where I have to constantly advocate for my needs and to get adequate treatment and I'm feeling a little worn out. I guess I was fawn for so long that speaking up for myself is something I'm still working on. I just don't feel like I should have to beg for an appointment. The truth is I'm highly sensitive and it brought up lots of old uncomfortable feelings. Whew, I needed to get that off my chest. The worst part was that I could have had an appointment last Thursday (and I really needed it then) but I had to be in a continuing education seminar for work so I can keep my license and once again work must come first. I'm writing all of this and there is the inner (or maybe outer) critic saying I'm being spoiled or childish blah, blah, blah.

Maybe I'm the one with a personality disorder? I just don't know but it will be really nice to get a professional, objective opinion and maybe some testing. All my life it has been about what is wrong with me because that's what I learned as a child so I do it to myself to this very day but at least now I'm aware I'm doing it! That seems like a little progress.

sanmagic7 · October 12, 2016, 10:17:21 PM

you're not acting spoiled or being childish at all! i'm glad you have a place to vent and get this crapola out of you. i didn't see any blahblahblah about what you said, either. your points, concerns, and feelings are all valid. and valuable to your well-being.

you've been traumatized. and there's nothing wrong with you about that. it was something that was done to you, and you did what you needed to do to survive and retain your sanity. as far as i'm concerned, you've done a great job getting this far in your life, and still hanging in there. there are a lot of people who haven't made it this far. so, kudos to you, blossoming.

you're not crazy, it's not you. getting all those messages to the contrary can make you believe you're crazy, no good, worthless, or that something's wrong with you. those are false messages, untruths that you were told to further someone else's agenda. really crazy people never question their sanity.

becoming aware of what you're doing to yourself is a big first step. it gives you a foundation to explore and eventually eradicate. i hope you're able to make that call and make even more progress on the way to healing. with you all the way.

Blossoming · October 12, 2016, 10:31:54 PM

Sanmagic7, I'm so touched by your kind words. It's wonderful to feel validated.
Thank you

sanmagic7 · October 12, 2016, 10:53:07 PM

you're so welcome, blossoming. honestly, as i wrote those words, they helped me as well. they helped me make the knowledge of others' agendas become more concrete for myself in my life. so, thank you for sharing. it gave me the opportunity to gaze more clearly at another personal reality. we're fighting this together.

Blossoming · October 13, 2016, 12:09:32 AM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2016, 10:53:07 PM
you're so welcome, blossoming. honestly, as i wrote those words, they helped me as well. they helped me make the knowledge of others' agendas become more concrete for myself in my life. so, thank you for sharing. it gave me the opportunity to gaze more clearly at another personal reality. we're fighting this together.

So true. It's amazing how writing things out brings clarity. I'm glad it helped you as well.

More ramblings due to lots of new understanding lately...One realization I've had recently is how I'm invalidated nearly every day by people in my family and in particular my husband. Now that I recognize this I know I'm going to have to deal with it the next time it happens. It's strange because I always thought of him as difficult but I didn't have the insight to understand it. It's so strange how the patterns all go back to childhood. My husband was physically and emotionally abused whereas I've mostly considered my childhood as one filled with neglect. I suspect some other abuse but I have repressed a lot. I think my husband and I are kindred spirits in a way and have each tried our best but now that I have learned about the impacts both our childhoods have had and understand things better I think it's time for some changes. I do hope I will have a willing partner in him through this but if not I'm starting to feel strong enough in myself that I will be fine on my own.

sanmagic7 · October 13, 2016, 02:10:36 AM

i hope you do, too. my hub has been willing to look at his own stuff, and we've grown closer because of it. he's opened up about his feelings lately like he never did before, and now it's like we are able to mutually support each other, a good feeling. i truly wish that for you and your partner. best to you.

Blossoming · October 15, 2016, 03:28:41 PM

That's fantastic about your husband sanmagic7!
Thursday I emailed my T about the no show for our appointment and she replied back promptly and was very apologetic. I decided to email her because I kept worrying about the situation and that wasn't doing anything positive for my mental state! I'm not going to reschedule with her but at least I know nothing bad happened.
Friday I started feeling much better in general and out of crisis mode for the first time in awhile. I still plan on getting into therapy soon because the issues are not magically resolved just because I'm feeling better right now.
Reminding myself about the three C's has been helping.

sanmagic7 · October 15, 2016, 11:20:04 PM

yay! and glad things are working out for you, blossoming. one step at a time, right? big hug!

Blossoming · October 17, 2016, 11:30:18 AM

Yes sanmagic7, your so right - one step at a time! It feels good to know that I can count on myself to recognize my needs a do my best to make sure they are met!

Blossoming · October 20, 2016, 02:19:02 PM

I finally have an appointment with a T through my work's employee assistance program scheduled for November 2. They provide 3 sessions for free. I'm pretty frustrated that it's been so hard to get counseling but I'm grateful to finally have something scheduled.

I had 4 decent days from last Friday until two days ago and then I started having the flashbacks and bad dreams again. I also have these electric shock feelings that go through my body and I read something on Pete Walker's website about that being part of c-PTSD. It was a relief to learn about that because I had been having them for over two years and didn't understand why. In hind sight I realize now that the electrical sensations started during and stressful time in my marriage when I went to stay with my parents!

I hope everyone here is hanging in ok. One day I plan to have it together enough to contribute more. This reminds me a lot of the early stages of eating disorder recovery when I knew I made the right and loving choice but it was still so hard.

Three Roses · October 20, 2016, 03:04:52 PM

to you! Hang in there, we're with you.

Blossoming · October 20, 2016, 04:47:04 PM

Quote from: Three Roses on October 20, 2016, 03:04:52 PM
to you! Hang in there, we're with you.

Thanks Three Roses.

Joeybird · October 21, 2016, 12:53:15 AM

So glad that you have an appointment with EAP therapist. And that you are feeling a little better.

I get a lot of comfort from reading posts, and posting myself here. My therapist thinks its good for me to communicate with others who have the same diagnosis.