Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

Please excuse my excessive posts but I just have to get this off my chest.

My husband called me from the bar at 6:40 and said he was going to drop some material off at a job site with his brother and then he would be home to talk and have dinner. The job site is @15-20 minutes away. At 8:20 I sent him a text that I was going to go ahead and go eat which I did (yay me!  ). He comes home at 9:00 and said we could talk after he drinks a few more beers with his brother. In a calm non provoking tone of voice I replied that it was too bad talking to me wasn't a priority. He said it is a priority and we could have had dinner together. I just don't have words to describe how self centered and ridiculous that is.
Now he thinks I'm just going to wait up so we can 'talk'. Would any rational person think it's okay to treat another person, let alone their spouse that way?

[Three Roses]

NO! 

(By the way, I don't think your posts have been excessive. )

[Blossoming]

 Thanks Three Roses. 

[Blossoming]

I've been reading some about divorcing on OOTF and that's been helpful. I found a useful checklist for when you leave. I think I'm starting to make peace with this and although I'm sure my emotions will be somewhat all over the place for awhile this feels right and I'm starting to have hope for the future which honestly I haven't had for quite some time.

[sanmagic7]

no, it isn't right, and yay! for you for taking the steps you need for you.  i think you're doing great with this, blossoming.  hard work, messy work at times, but you're doing it, dammit!  that counts for so much.  very happy for you!  here's hoping everything goes as smoothly as possible.  big hug, my dear.

[Blossoming]

Hugs to you sanmagic7.

Yesterday H spent the day while I was out of town with the OW at my house. They may be there together right now for all I know. I can't put into words how sick I feel.

No one should have to go through something like this but at least I now have the undeniable evidence and that is very important for me so I can move forward. I think part of me wanted to believe his lies even though I knew better. It's just too bad he had to bring her into my home when he knew I'd be away.

[Blossoming]

Now I'm trying to decide if I want to stay out of town one more day or go home. Part of me thinks it would be better to just stay so I can half way get myself together emotionally. I also probably shouldn't let him know that I know until the bank is open Monday and I can get my part of money in our savings account. He dropped her off at her car 20 minutes ago and I'm not sure if I want to walk into my home where they have been together all night. I think I really should stay gone but I miss my dogs.

[Blossoming]

He dropped her off at her car at 7:45 this morning.

I have to remember there is a whole world of possibility open to me now that I no longer have to consider him in the equation. I'm going to just try to remain focused on my own self care.

It's liberating to know that all of his addictions will no longer be a constant part of my existence.

[Three Roses]

 

I'm sorry you're going thru this. So difficult.

I really do believe your life without him will be much healthier. You'll be able to focus on yourself and healing.

I'm standing with you. 

[Blossoming]

Thanks ThreeRoses, I agree. I'm already starting to feel better. I'm going to go to the jewler and get my wedding rings cut off today (and maybe pawn them!). I also deleted all of his pictures. I'm ready to move on and it feels good if somewhat bitter sweet to be starting a new life without him. I think I needed to see the full scope of his deception so I would not be tempted in anyway to continue in the relationship. It's hard when you've been with another person that long but there is truly nothing left for me with him and it's good to face that fact and close this chapter of my life.

[sanmagic7]

o, blossoming, you're doing it!  yay for you!  if it were my place, i'd be so proud of you.  you did everything you needed to do, kept following through, and are now reaping the, you're right, bittersweet rewards of all your hard work.  well done!

once you get all the every day stuff out of the way, be prepared for grieving.  like you said, he's been in your life for a long time, and that will be a big loss on one level, no matter how difficult it's been.  the grieving is important in order to fully and truly shut the door on all this.

and what a yuckhead for bringing her to your home!  how insulting and disrespectful!  i can't say what i'd really like to say cuz those words aren't allowed.  but, i hope you know what i mean.

so, a new chapter of your life is opening up.  i get why you wouldn't want to go into the house right after.  i'd probably burn those sheets as well.  ugh!  but you now have the freedom to do, say, be whatever and whoever you want.  it's a big freedom - go slowly, especially at first so you don't find yourself crashing.   this is a huge new space you're moving into and it can give you an overwhelming feeling.  as with anything else, small steps (altho i surely could understand a celebration party at some point!)

keep taking care of you.  you've done a great job so far.  really great.  you can feel good about yourself for that.  big hug!

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7.

[Blossoming]

Well I'm back home. I sent soon to be ex husband an email telling him it was time for us to separate. He called while I was driving and when he asked why I told him I knew he spent the last two Friday's with his lover behind my back and I no longer want to live that way. I told him I'd like to end this peacefully and like adults. So far so good.

It was a little hard being here but not as hard as I thought. H told me he was really impressed with how well I'm handling things and I thanked him and said I've been working hard on my own stuff for awhile and I do feel mentally/emotionally much stronger. Even though it's over for us maybe seeing my progress will inspire him to do some of his work and serve as an example for him that people can grow and change.
I'm excited for all the future holds and know things can only get better from here. Just knowing the truth is making things better already.

[Blossoming]

I left a voice activated recorder in my bedroom when I went out of town and got hours worth of disturbing and disgusting evidence. They have been meeting at her house and hotels just as I suspected. They were telling each other how much they loved and missed each other blah, blah, blah. They were high on cocaine Friday night.
I reached out to the other woman's husband today because I thought he deserved to know. He confronted his wife and she told him I was crazy and paranoid. I'm sure she is calling my stbx husband about this!
My goodness, that man is trying to destroy himself and everything around him. It's very sad. I don't even know him anymore.

[sanmagic7]

blossoming, you strong and wonderful warrior woman!  kudos to you!

to tell you the truth, with lies and addictions, i doubt that you ever really knew him.  that's how that illness goes - it allows a person to mask himself so we never get to see the real person behind the mask.  i've been there, so i'm talking from personal experience.  one was a 7-yr. marriage, one was a 20-yr. marriage.  at times i could see glimpses, but rarely, if ever, a whole, complete person.  addictions just don't let reality in or out.

i'm glad for you that you've escaped the madness.  i don't know how you could listen to that yuck!  you're a braver woman than me!  how horrible for you.  now you have you to look after in all your shining glory, just the way you want - your own place, your own space, your own life.  there may be ups and downs - like i've said before, this is a big loss and betrayal, but i have every faith that you'll get through them all with the grace you've shown in this matter.

keep taking care of yourself, and go slow.  this is a biggie, and you deserve some peace within yourself.  i'm very happy for you that the not knowing is finally over.  big hug!