Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

Thanks again sanmagic7.

I can't wait for him to leave. I got home from work and was getting the trash cans throughout the house emptied for tomorrow's pick up and when I tried to get in the room that's our home office it was locked!!! He is up to no good as usual.

[Blossoming]

I just have to get some things off my chest. I don't know this man at all anymore. I don't know what he is hiding in the office but it's highly disturbing. It's either drugs (I suspect he is continuing to use cocaine) or if he is up to no good with financial records. He might also not want me to have access to our computer for some reason. I had hoped we could split in a civilized manner but now I highly doubt that can happen. I just started working full-time last week and it's getting real old real quick to have to put up with his drama and dishonesty and keep up my performance at work. I guess I'm just going to have to ignore him tonight and call a locksmith while he is at work. I can't believe all of this has happened the way it has. I suppose I'll eventually calm down and get over it but it's just crazy that this is my life right now and there is a new crisis related to him nearly everyday for close to two months. 

[sanmagic7]

ugh!  deceit and dishonesty, secrets, hiding.  no, it doesn't sound like anything good.  go for it!  you have the right to have a life of respect and openness.  i totally get it about not knowing the person you live with.  been there, done that.  it's awful!

computer secrecy?  yeah, finances, romances, and/or porn are the 3 things that pop into my mind.

hang tough, blossoming - hangin' right beside you! 

[Blossoming]

That means so much sanmagic7.

Yesterday I ran into my neighbor and we have made plans to start walking together after work. I'm really excited. I've started doing  other things to take care of me which feels nice. Today I woke up feeling more hopeful than I have in quite sometime. I realize I will still grieve but it's nice to have some hope and positive emotions in the mix too.

[sanmagic7]

yay! for you, blossoming.  self-care is very hopeful.  so glad for you.  you're doing it!

[Hazy111]

Hi Blossoming,

I havent been around much for a while , here or at other place , as ive been dealing with a lot of my own depression and family crap. so i stopped messaging. 

Anyway, i found your journal and like wow , you have been really going through it. I didnt realise. 

But one thing ive learnt from your posts is that youve been growing stronger and stronger throughout it all, compared to the timid, fawn type, make excuses for others bad behaviour person.

You should be really proud of yourself , with so much on your plate (excuse the analogy).  You havent cracked!!

Just wishing you all the best, whatever the outcome

Its great youve found this place and get some good support from the members.   H

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7 and hazy111. Sorry you're dealing with overwhelming family issues too hazy. I've been offline for the last month. I started working full-time again probably 5-6 weeks ago out of necessity and it's been fine. One thing positive I can say about this whole situation is that I've become very empowered. I feel quite capable and I'm sort of proud of myself for the way I have handled everything. I didn't get down on myself or blame myself and I feel I have been able to look at everything pretty objectively. I sort of get why it happened but that doesn't make it ok if that makes sense.
One thing that happened that was very enlightening was talking to my mom on the phone a few weeks ago. Just when I could have used some understanding or kind words all I got from her was negativity. Finally I just ended the call by telling her I had to get back into work. No wonder I have issues... She is obviously older than me and has dealt with infidelity herself and all she could manage to do was gripe and complain. You would think a person who has lived through it could manage to show a bit of understanding.
Oh well, I suppose some people never change or even realize they might need to explore their own issues. On the one hand I feel pretty alone in the world right now but on the other I feel I've really stepped up for myself which is fantastic!

[sanmagic7]

you truly have stood up for yourself, blossoming.  well done!

yeah, your mother.  some people will never get it, and it's like banging our heads against a wall to try to get something soothing from them.  sorry you had that experience with her. 

you keep moving forward with courage and determination, and that's the best.  we will conquer this beast yet!  take care of you first, always, and know that you're worth it.   big hug!

[Hazy111]

You should be proud of yourself. Well done you.

Isnt it symptomatic that your mother gave you no validation or support in your hour of need?? Proof of our dysfunctional upbringing. Narcisstic self obsessed parents dont make for happy well rounded children.

But the fact you dont need it, speaks volumes for your self confidence/esteem. Its coming from within. Well done you. Keep on keepin on.

Have you left the other place?? I think if you have, thats a positive too , imo,

[Blossoming]

Thanks so much for the support sanmagic7 and Hazy111.

As is probably to be expected some days are better than others but the overall trend seems to be positive. I do sometimes have nightmares about things related to the recent drama but not anything that seems to impact my waking life.  I'm eating and sleeping better and making it to work fine. I actually think work is helping me by keeping me busy and interacting with other people. I'm just focusing on baby steps right now.

Hazy, I did leave the other place around the end of December or beginning of January. I know it was the right decision and with everything that's happened there is no way I would have had time for it anyhow. I'm so glad I crossed paths with you there though and learned about this site!

[sanmagic7]

overall better is good.  a few bumps are to be expected.  you're doing great!  big hug!