Trying to make some sense of it all...

[sanmagic7]

out with the bad, in with the good!  the more reality of who we really are helps push out the falsehoods that we were taught.  one step at a time, one realization at a time. 

sorry you're going thru that creepy stuff w/ your husband.  i really am.  and, part of what has been so horrible about the lusting stuff with mine, is that he's done it after they're grown as well.  he has no boundaries when it comes to women and sex.  what makes my skin crawl is the thought of my daughters (35 and 40) getting a hug from him and what might be going thru his mind.  my oldest has a sick narc relationship with him, but i'm quite sure it's not sexual on her side.  my younger just moved across country, but i hate the thought of her even talking to him.  i've told her about it, she's talked to him about it and has some pretty good boundaries out with him now, so i'm glad of that.  it's something i work hard at pushing aside.  i've done what i can, but it still grosses me out.

best to you in dealing with your hub.  i completely relate. 

[Blossoming]

I can't imagine how it must be to know your daughter's own father is like that towards his own flesh and blood sanmagic7.
I *don't think* my husband was that way toward my daughter (not by him) or his own daughter (not by me) but you never know what might surface. I'm going to hold out hope that nothing like that has happened until or if I learn otherwise. I suppose it's possible to be into pornography and/or a sex addict but not be a pedophile/ attracted to children. I'm pretty sensitive and out spoken towards men being inappropriate around children so I sincerely hope I would have noticed anything if it was happening.
I'm just recently in the last couple years remembering my own father and uncle being inappropriate with me as a child so it makes sense now why I was always so hypervigilant with how my daughter and step daughter were treated by males. Ironically it ended up being someone I would have never expected (another female) that molested my daughter when she was nine.

Yesterday ended up being eventful. I told my husband how I felt about the phone situation and he vehemently denied anything was or has been going on. When I brought up porn he said I couldn't be further from the truth. He put most of (ok all) of the blame back on me for the distance in our relationship and even pulled the old switch back maneuver on me. You know the "Things were fine before. I don't understand why you had to change blah, blah, blah." Although the impetus for my embarking on recovery was his constant complaints about my diet and how miserable I was! Basically he misses the compliant, submissive eating disordered wife who wasn't a fully alive person with wants and needs. He said he just couldn't understand. Then it dawned on me that he really can't understand because he still has his various coping mechanisms to help keep him numb and from facing reality.

We went for a long walk and talked and I felt good for standing up for myself and didn't take any flack about anything including my necessary weight gain. When we got home he was crying and said he feels the same way I do and was describing an emotional flashback. I told him it was an EF and hugged him. We had a nice evening together hanging out with no phone and just together time.
Today he texted me at work saying he got home early and was taking a nap. I got home an hour later and he wasn't even here! It turns out that he went somewhere with his brother and was supposedly about to call me. I don't want to be some overbearing person but it's disturbing to come home expecting to see someone and they aren't even home. It's not the first time either. I think it's just common courtesy.
I guess the moral of my long rant is that just when I start to have a glimmer of hope that things might get better it gets dashed. I end up just looking like the mad, demanding wife and I'm just getting tired of it honestly.

Through all of this I'm starting to get stronger and see things more clearly. I'm not blaming myself anymore. I'm ok and I think anyone in my situation would be a bit traumatized.

[Hazy111]

Basically he misses the compliant, submissive eating disordered wife who wasn't a fully alive person with wants and needs. He said he just couldn't understand. Then it dawned on me that he really can't understand because he still has his various coping mechanisms to help keep him numb and from facing reality.


Yep , it sounds like youre in a codependent relationship. If one party like you starts to change/grow then the other gets threatened and wants to push you back into that box through blame/shame/guilt. Its so common i think its the norm. Mine. my parents , my sisters, so many friends , i can see the dominant/submissive.

I remember reading a self help book years ago written by Dorothy Rowe, psychologist.  Husbands used to bring their depressed wives to see her and say they want their happy wife back. So she treats the wife and wife decides she has to leave her husband if she wants to be happy. The husband finds out and she stops coming in for treatment.

[sanmagic7]

that is so often the case, turning it back on you, blaming you.  i'm so glad to hear you're getting stronger and seeing with more clarity.  that's wonderful!  keep standing your ground - it's your ground to stand on, and as you continue to feel more empowered, you will continue to make the changes that are best for you.  yay!

[Blossoming]

Thanks Hazy111 and Sanmagic7. 

Even though it's hard it still feels good and right to be sticking to what I know to be true and not settling for being treated poorly. It's taken years to get to this place and I know I still have a long way to go but I finally feel capable and like everything is going to work out ok- I have hope. I feel like I'm becoming someone I can count on.

[sanmagic7]

yay!  you go!!!

[Blossoming]

I've decided after a pretty bad day yesterday of feeling really anxious and having a disappointing T session that I'm just going to get down to the basics and try to treat myself nicely. I have to stop beating myself up mentally and just be kind and loving to myself for once starting now. I've let the way I was treated as a child become the template for how I treat myself and I'm the only one that can stop that cycle.
Yesterday by evening meal time I had only managed 500 calories which is far too low and it scared me how quickly I can fall back into not taking care of my basic needs. I'm 47 today and no matter what has happened in the past I have to do a job at better taking care of and loving myself every single day.

[Three Roses]

I have to stop beating myself up mentally and just be kind and loving to myself for once starting now. I've let the way I was treated as a child become the template for how I treat myself and I'm the only one that can stop that cycle.

I love this! When we treat ourselves with kindness & respect, we attract the same type of treatment from others - and we can more easily spot when we are not being treated well.   

[sanmagic7]

self-love is just the best, and i'm so glad for you that you've decided to head in that direction.  with you all the way.

[radical]

Happy birthday for yesterday

What better present to yourself than realising that you need to be kind and caring to you!  Self-compassion isn't a 'nice to have' it is the essential foundation of a good, healthy life, and for giving of yourself to others in a way that doesn't ultimately destroy you.

Wishing you many happy returns in peace and joy.

[Wife#2]

  Happy Belated Birthday! I know that can sound harsh when you've been struggling, but you've made some very healthy realizations. Yes, getting them into action is a challenge. You are capable and worthy of that action. You deserve the kindness others show to you and you deserve joy and peace and health. 

[Blossoming]

Thank so much for the kind words, support and birthday wishes Three Roses, sanmagic7, radical and Wife#2!
I'm going to try practicing being good to myself by having a nice relaxing three day weekend!

[sanmagic7]

yay!  sorry i missed your birthday.  hope it was good.  sounds like you're starting on the right path.  keep taking care of you.

[Blossoming]

Well this is kind of exciting so I figured I'd share it here. I applied for a full-time job in a different field with excellent benefits! It's less money per hour but I'd be working twice the hours so my pay would still be more plus I'd be out of a field where I'm very burned out. I took my first test today and passed and I take another one Tuesday! I'm hoping this works out for me as it would be a huge burden off my shoulders due to the benefits and getting out of the medical field!
I'm so proud of myself for trying for a new job!

[Three Roses]

  That's awesome!