Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

That's awesome!

Thanks Three Roses! It's a little scary but it feels like good self care to try for a new job.

[Blossoming]

I subscribed to an email series on narc mothers and what I received today really resonated with me so I thought I'd share it here.

When you have a narcissistic mother, you are not taught how to care for the self.  Instead, you are taught by experience with your mother that if you don’t guess what someone wants, when and how they want it, you will suffer.   

This is a twofold challenge because first, you don’t get taught how to self care; and second, you may not have the energy to notice when you need self care because so much energy must be focused on the maternal narcissist that you may get only what little sense of security you could carve out.

Many of the people I coach are not aware how much they neglect themselves, how much that costs them, or what to do when they notice.   

An ivy league dentist recently explained to me that he never learned to notice when he was hungry and to this day he still forgets to eat until he feels faint.  Here’s the challenging part of this conundrum, he actually is echoing the attitude of his narcissistic mother instead of his own truth, which always costs us energy.

The reality is that although he doesn’t, as an adult, notice his hunger, it isn’t that he didn’t learn to notice it. It is that his environment was so less than nurturing that he was, instead, taught to ignore his biological drive to eat.   

Who teaches us to ignore these things?  We only learn to ignore basic self care needs when the caregivers in our environment chronically neglected those essential building blocks.

Eating is only one form of self care, but is a helpful one to discuss because it is universal.  When we ignore a basic need and no longer are in the environment that demanded such neglect of the self, we are left vulnerable to anxiety and other negative feelings as well as health problems.   

Imagine, too, if eating is possible to cut out of your daily needs, what else may we have ignored in order to survive a narcissistic family system?

Look at the basics of self care below and rank where you are from 1 to 3. 1: not healthy; 2: less than healthy/inconsistent; 3: healthy/consistent.

Food
Finances
Shelter
Clothing
Social Support/Relationships
Exercise
Health Needs: Such as regular dental/eye/medical exams

Congratulate yourself for any 3 scores.

Notice the ones you ranked 1 or 2 and make an extra effort to move yourself higher up the scale.  These basic areas of self care are a great place to gain more well being in your life.  Consider getting someone you trust to have a daily or weekly checkin for these areas and offering them the same support.
 
As a reader recently commented on my blog, support can be extremely helpful in recovery:

"I HIGHLY recommend trying to find a therapy or support group of children of NMs.  It's been incredibly validating and helpful to know that our stories, while each individual, carry a common thread that can make us feel very alone.   

"Only other people who are the product of NMs can truly understand how damaging and insidious our upbringing has been, because those who have had healthy mothering find it inconceivable that a mother could be anything other than good.  Sadly, we know otherwise."

[Blossoming]

I'm going for my last T session covered by my EAP program at work in about an hour. I have actually felt better this past week after deciding to treat myself better.
I applied for a new job and all was going well with that until yesterday. I had to sit for a second exam at a testing facility and when I was checking in they informed me my ID (drivers license) was expired so I couldn't take the test. Yes, it expired on my birthday and I didn't even realize it. The good news is that I was only down in the dumps for about six hours and I rebounded pretty quickly. I just tried to be realistic instead of beating myself up over it.
Another thing that happened that doesn't really seem to be bothering me and I think it probably should is that my mom wouldn't talk to me on the phone on my birthday. My dad said she is really depressed. The last few times she has been on the phone with me or my daughter she just starts crying and gets off the phone really quick. I think I would understand if that upset someone else but for some reason I'm numb to it. I'm wondering if it's a protective mechanism.

Lastly there has been a situation with one of my coworkers that I'm not handling well. There is this lady my age that seems very nice that I was starting to sort of become friends with but then she started telling me all about her financial problems. She is from a different country and culture than me so maybe what she is doing is normal where she is from but she keeps wanting me to donate money for her mother's medical bills. First she was going to have an actual fundraiser but then it became just doing raffles at work and "reminding me to give a donation". Literally she is calling my phone as I type this out. It's just weird and uncomfortable. I know I should say something but she is about to move out of state and today is her last day at work and I just want to forget I ever met her. I think I have poor judgment about people IRL and attract the wrong types. Every friend I've made as an adult basically makes sexual advances toward me. At least this lady didn't do that but she really couldn't at work.

[Blossoming]

I had my last T session and I swear she was falling asleep in the chair while I was talking!
I finally answered the phone when the lady from work kept calling wanting a donation and told her NO.
Other than that there is nothing new. I'm continuing to treat myself well and it seems like it's helping.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you were able to say no to that lady.  i know that here in mex., there is a lot of that donation stuff going on, often about medical bills.  it's the culture of poverty.  if i gave to everyone here who asked me for money, i'd have none left, so i don't.  no guilt, just that i'm sorry for your problems, but i can't help you all.

and, sounds pretty disrespectful of your therapist!   i hope you find another, one who is more helpful and caring.  unless she apologized because she's sick or something, that's just plain rude.  you didn't deserve that.  sorry you had to go through that.  but it does sound like you're getting stronger, and i'm glad of that.  keep up the good work of taking care of yourself, blossoming.  i think you're doing really well.

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7. I think I'm getting stronger too. I don't think the T even realised she was dosing off. Of course the medical worker side of me was wondering if she had narcolepsy or was over-sedated on meds or something!!!
Some new insights are coming to light. I'm starting to see some things more clearly than ever and getting better at recognizing my own needs.
My husband just doesn't seem have time for our relationship right now and if I'm perfectly honest with myself he mostly never has had time for us unless it involved him getting sex at his own convenience. Recently I spoke up and said I didn't want to have rushed sex before work in the morning. I wanted to be able to relax and spend some time together and try to enjoy. Since then he has been extra busy. Last night I sat around waiting for him for a couple hours. We were supposed to go to a movie but I just ended up eating a bowl of cereal alone for dinner and was ready for bed by the time he came home. He was at his dad's farm doing some work around there but the point is he could have kept our plans and showed up on time but once again he didn't. I mentioned something this morning but really it's been 15 years of this same behavior. Actions speak louder than words sometimes and I'm getting a very clear message that our relationship just isn't very important to him. I'm kind of sad to see that I've let myself be treated this way for so long but I'd rather get on with my life than keep sitting around waiting on him.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, that's too bad about your hub, blossoming.  that kind of thing never feels good.  as painful as it may be, i am glad that you are seeing things more clearly and realizing the reality of what's going on around you.  i truly believe it's the only way we are able to grow.  sounds like you continue to move forward, which, hopefully, does feel good.  yay! for you.

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7.
I'm not sure where all the time has gone but it's been an eventful few weeks.

Last weekend my husband and I actually communicated very frankly with each other which was long overdue and it feels like we may have turned a corner in our relationship. Long story short is that we reached an agreement that we would both try to trust and love each other again and put the past behind us. So far so good but you all know how it is with cPTSD. I notice a tendency that I'm always anticipating the next crisis but I'm trying to just observe that pattern within myself and stay grounded in my current reality that there is nothing happening right now.

I took a test for a new job I'm trying to get and passed so I was pretty excited about that!

I've also made some headway on some health issues that I think were making it harder to cope with my mental stuff. I'm a firm believer that you can't totally separate the body and mind and that one effects the other so it's nice to be feeling better.

It was interesting to notice my husband's tendency to continue to try to turn the conversation toward me, my faults, things I had done (years ago now) during our heart to heart talk last weekend. Because of the things I've learned I stood up for myself and admitted I had made mistakes and wasn't perfect but instead of keeping quiet (freezing or fawning) I kept the dialogue going until I felt we had come to a reasonable resolution. It seems like progress to me. I think I'm doing better despite not having a T to work with atm.

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, blossoming.  i've noticed that tendency, too, of some people who keep straying off topic into what you did in the past.  i think that's a diversionary tactic, personally.  you did great to keep coming back to the topic at hand and find some resolution!   hopefully, things will change, the corner is turned, and the relationship will move forward in a positive direction. 

and applause applause on your job test - fingers crossed that you get it.  i'm excited right along with you on that.  let's hope that keeps moving forward as well. 

keep taking care of you.  your new-found strength is showing all over the place.  yay!  big hug, blossoming.

[Blossoming]

Oh sanmagic7, thanks for all the support. 

I hope one day things settle down for me and I can do the same for others.

I'm really not sure where to begin. I'm just going to write all of this out to hopefully help me let it all sink in more.

Yesterday I discovered that my husband has been in a relationship with someone else IRL and I know who it is- name, age, DOB, phone number and her most likely address. They have had something going for about six months now. I've looked back through all the old phone records.

It looks like after we had our long talk about 9 days ago she started texting him much more. She has sent him 13 texts since midnight alone. I counted over 30 from yesterday. He isn't texting her back but he did call her yesterday. He could also be calling her from a landline at work or even meeting up with her for all I know!

I haven't said anything yet. I want to be in a really good place and be prepared when I bring it up. Part of me is starting to think of an exit strategy. Tomorrow we are going to go buy me a used car. I got an email from the job I took the test for last week so if I can get a full-time job and have a car I'll be in a better position to leave. I don't want it to be like a fleeing situation.

I really don't think the magnitude of it all has truly hit me yet. I've been pretty calm and composed. I haven't really been able to eat enough though. I'm probably in shock but deep down I'm not surprised.

[sanmagic7]

i don't doubt you're in shock - that sort of thing would blindside me!  wow!

so far, it sounds like you're staying strong, thinking clearly, and doing what needs to be done.  good luck with the job - yeah, that would help a lot.  i'm really sorry this happened to you, tho.  it sucks!

i hope you can keep hanging tough till you get to where you need to be.  then, if you need to fall apart, go for it.  for now, it sounds like you're taking care of business in a very level-headed manner.  sometimes we have to put the 'crash' on hold.  do be good to yourself, tho, including eating.  you need that fuel to continue with your clear thinking and for the energy needed to go through this.  do the best you can.  i'm rooting for you, blossoming.

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7, I can't tell you how much your encouraging words mean to me.

[Blossoming]

I think the shock is wearing off. I'm feeling more emotional now and physically ill. I might reach out to my old ED therapist (the one who forgot about our appointment!) since it didn't work out with the EAP T.
When I woke up this morning and walked into the kitchen my husband just looked at me with disgust. He doesn't know yet that I know. I now understand the reason for his behaviour that started in the spring/summer.

[sanmagic7]

that's awful.  hang tough, sweetie.  you're in a rotten position right now, but you're holding all the cards.  i'm glad you have someone to possibly turn to.  do what you need to do - the rest will sort itself out.  right by your side.

[Wife#2]

It was interesting to notice my husband's tendency to continue to try to turn the conversation toward me, my faults, things I had done (years ago now) during our heart to heart talk last weekend. Because of the things I've learned I stood up for myself and admitted I had made mistakes and wasn't perfect but instead of keeping quiet (freezing or fawning) I kept the dialogue going until I felt we had come to a reasonable resolution. It seems like progress to me. I think I'm doing better despite not having a T to work with atm.

Blossoming, given all that happened yesterday, for which I am heartfelt saddened for you, I believe this drifting off topic was actually driven by an agenda. I would consider the possibility that these are the things he's keeping at the forefront of his mind to justify his behavior. I say this because, when I was seriously ready to leave my husband, I kept things in my mind as my reasons to leave him. I didn't let them go until I made the conscious decision to stay and work with him as a partner. Now, I'd have to read my old posts to remember ALL the reasons I was ready to go.

I'm so sorry that he greeted you this morning with such unpleasantness.