Hello! (possible TRIGGER alerts)

[deptofhearts]

Hi to all you amazing and brave people in this community. It has taken me close to a year to pluck up the courage to post an intro or anything really - I have been so terrified of trusting anyone and speaking up for myself but with making positive tiny yet giant steps towards recovery I am opening up a little.

I was diagnosed C-PTSD 3 years ago, after growing up with neglect and abandonment issues loving my unreachable, broken mum struggling with her own tragic trauma. My dad was diagnosed Schizophrenic when I was 3 - but he was very violent/abusive in all ways possible -  I have suspected sexual abuse from him. I was then abused by my stepfather from age 9 and he went to great lengths to hide it resulting in other abuse, alienating me from my family, punishing me with months of being 'grounded' aside from school attendance, he once kept me from seeing a doctor while I was gravely ill with a burst-appendix so he could look after me - that resulted in a midnight rush to the hospital into emergency theatre to save me (I lost half the inside of my stomach to gangrene omg!) but I was just so glad my mum was noticing me and caring for me as she floored it to the nearest city ER...

  After the abuse was revealed my mother and grandmother declared me a liar, a dreamer and that I just wanted attention. "when I asked you about it, you didn't respond like you should if it were true" - was my mothers rationale, so critical and cold. She had even seen him doing it when I was ill, looked me right in the eye then immediately blocked it out. Herself a victim of her grandfather.

Long story short (ish) - I have over my life been drawn to and consumed by narcissist, cold personality types - both male and female, I was raped at 17, sexually assaulted at 21; I struggled with some drug dependency, promiscuity, amongst high drama relationships - all codependent - BUT then amazingly and surprisingly I met a loving, loyal yet imperfect man with a good heart... we've been married 17 years and have 4 beautiful children. I have a quiet yet deep faith in a God that has seen my bitter anger at the unfairness, and given me strong safe arms to cry in and hope for the following day.  And I have a career as a music composer although its been on hold with this stuff saturating me. But I am for once running no more, and am committed to recovery. Everyday, things become a little clearer, as confusion and loss of self get the shakedown.  I've started attending a local CoDa support group, which is awesome and helpful btw. Big props to Pete Walker, Richard Grannon on the ole Youtube and to all you survivors, your stories and your vulnerabilities and lives are precious.
Thanks for reading X

[iamstill02]

 
Kudos to you! Thank you for sharing with such insight and positivity.

[Sisue]

Welcome deptofhearts!
You are another beautiful courageous soul!  Glad you have decided to share with us.  The people and support here are great!  Every time I read or post I feel just a teeny bit lighter.  I hope that you can too.

[Three Roses]

Welcome!