Hello, I'm new . . .

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alliematt

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Hello, I'm new . . .
« on: October 15, 2016, 02:49:30 PM »
Like Creative23 below, I started out in OOTF.  This might be more the forum I need, and I appreciate the guidance from the OTOF moderator.  My nom de plume here is Alliematt.

I'm not sure if I have C-PTSD.  I do believe I've been in situations that are conducive to it.  I was bullied as a child, from first to twelfth grade, and although some teachers and my parents did try to help at times, the bullying never stopped. 

In college, I got involved with a cult.  That sentence is very hard for me to write.  The church I was involved with was an offshoot of a more mainstream denomination.  I learned a lot of good things there, but left believing that I just couldn't measure up to God's expectations.  When I graduated from college, I went to a church that had been part of the "offshoot group" but that was deliberately trying to get away from the unhealthy teachings . . . and they wound up going in the opposite direction, to the point where you could believe almost what you wanted to.  I finally told my husband, we need to get out.

We're in a decent church now, but I am having a lot of trouble getting past the stuff that happened there.

At present, I'm dealing with a lot of stresssful circumstances.   :fallingbricks: (This emoticon sums it up.)  I have several chronic health conditions.  I'm trying to pay back student loans from a failed attempt at school.  My teenager has autism, and although he's a good kid and pretty high-functioning, I can only take so much of his obsessions with certain TV programs.  My mother has also developed health problems--mostly memory and cognition--and tomorrow's my birthday and I don't expect to hear from her.  She lives in another state and I don't get to see her very often. 

Yesterday and the day before I took my son to scheduled appointments, one to a naturopath, the other to the dentist (regular cleaning).  I was so tense yesterday that I laid down for two hours, and then couldn't get to sleep until 1 a.m., and only after taking melatonin.  I work from home part-time, have an assignment that's due Monday that's about a quarter of the way done, my house is a mess, and tomorrow, I sing on our church's praise group.  (This is something I do periodically.)  And I am fed up with certain

I'm in counseling right now.  I've been in and out since I was in my 20's, and I'm now in my mid-50's.  Sometimes I feel weak and ashamed because I feel so needy. 

I told a friend of mine in high school that I was afraid I was going to become mentally ill.  Well, I do have a diagnosis of depression for which I take meds, and I believe I have a form of OCD known as pure-O, where I have the obsessive thoughts without the compulsive actions. 

You all look like you have a good board here.  Thanks for providing it.

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Three Roses

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Re: Hello, I'm new . . .
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2016, 03:41:43 PM »
Welcome and happy birthday!  :cheer:

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creative23

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Re: Hello, I'm new . . .
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2016, 08:21:54 PM »
Hi alliematt,

Just want to welcome you, too, and I'm glad I helped you find this forum. We're about the same age (happy birthday, by the way!), and I understand the feeling of being ashamed of being needy. I thought that I would have gotten over all of this by now! But reading more about CPTSD - I looked up Pete Walker last night and read his paper on how to deal with emotional flashbacks - has given me more compassion for myself already. These flashbacks may be part of me for the rest of my life, but I can manage them, and even reduce them over time.

You sound like you have a lot of challenges going on. I relate. Hang in there, and I look forward to continuing on this journey of recovery with you and others.

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mourningdove

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Re: Hello, I'm new . . .
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2016, 11:33:15 PM »
Welcome! :)