15 Years of Daydreaming And Counting

[tea-the-artist]

This is incredibly embarrassing, I'm not even sure if I'll make it to the end to post but I'll try to make this as short as I can.

Since I can remember, I've always been daydreaming. I think as a child, anybody would have called it having "imaginary friends," and that's something folks normally grow out of, but I didn't. I kept them all the way throughout high school, and partly through college. I would have "conversations" with these characters (when I was young, it was cartoon characters and handfuls I made up) as if they are "here with me." I feel like I know these characters aren't real, like outside of the "dream" I know that wasn't real. But sometimes, it just feels like it because I feel intensely sometimes.

Nowadays, my daydreams are a mix of those types of daydreams, imaginary conversations with people I know in real life, and daydreaming as if I'm one of the characters in a story I've been working on for 2 years now (could be a way to brainstorm plots, not sure).

With the imaginary conversations, I'll use this morning as an example. I was showering and suddenly started thinking about my brother and my relationship to him over all these years. Then I started to speak (low whisper) as if we were somewhere else conversing. I started talking to "him" about how I had three people in my life who have all failed me growing up and now. How my brain got wired differently. How I don't have a "me-before-the-trauma" the way that he does. How I became his "surrogate parent" at such a young age that it's made me so weirdly codependent on him and self-sacrificing "by nature" and left me confused about my "real identity." I told "him" he was lucky to have one person in this family who didn't make him feel less than a person, who validated him, who was rooting for him and made him feel like "that person" wanted to be around him. Of course that was me. But I also said "I don't have that. I never had that. I can't even say for sure if any of you love me because of all this."

Around that point, I started crying. I guess in some way it's a way for me to express things I don't feel safe saying directly to my brother. I've had these "conversations" with my parents, with my family collectively, with friends... They often last so long, sometimes for 20 minutes, other times a few hours if no one has entered my space while I'm "conversing." I don't know if these cause emotional flashbacks or ARE emotional flashbacks or are emotional "flashforwards" and I just don't know if that even makes sense.

I just don't know what's going on. I mentioned in another topic, that when I try to stop, I feel so empty, almost like I've got nothing to do and I feel floaty. But in these daydreams, they make me feel so intensely, to the point of uncontrollable crying that it's exhausting, as if that conversation is really happening, and it makes it hard to keep my composure at work if I've daydreamed beforehand because the thoughts are still lingering.

The only times I "comfortably" don't daydream is when people are interacting with me before I get the chance to dream or if I'm distracting myself in other ways like zoning out watching TV or videos. And distractions just never last.

Right now, I feel like I just want to leave because it seems like the story-daydreaming and the character daydreaming are the only things I can do to continue "coping" with still living at home. Being "other characters" in their own story feels better than being my actual self. And being around characters from cartoons I like feels better and comforting than being here at home where no one "really gets" what's happened and is happening to me. But whenever I become aware or really think about what I'm doing, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed like some child but nothing seems to be consistently working at all.

[2Spirits]

Good Evening, tea-the-artist! 

I can very much relate to you; I'm also having conversations with "imaginary others", be it people i really know but who are present only in my thoughts, be it imagined characters. And it does me a lot of good, indeed!
I can so understand that you are drawn into these conversations and I presume that they make sense. Some make sense in an obvious way - telling family members what has to be said but it's not possible to have the conversation with the real people. So you say out loud what you have to say, you don't ignore yourself,  you are true to your inner voices. Bravo!

There are (lots of) times when it is very hard for me to really connect to others. My internal dialogues help me a lot in these times; at least i am trying to connect to myself. And I succeed, sometimes more sometimes less.

My guess is that parts of you are very urgent, they want to be heard. So that could be the reason why it's the most important thing to do to dialogue with these parts - inner children. And it really is important to come on contact with all the split off parts. And when they are "sent off onto the splitting" once again, they may feel tremendously anxious and empty, so the feeling might transfer to you as a whole. Well, that's just guessing. Anyway: you don't do anything bad, you try to keep contact to parts of you that need it very very much.

Do you have people that you are safe with - a therapist you can tell what you do, a close friend, someone in your extended family? I'm so sorry to hear your shame and loneliness and what you are going through! Best wishes for being nice to yourself!
A

[Riverstar]

Yayy! You're like me! (Maybe that's not actually a good thing but I find it exciting)

I absolutely have conversations with myself all the time and have used escaping into my imagination as a coping mechanism since early childhood. Stopping, as you tried to, isn't necessarily a good thing because I think it's a healthy coping mechanism. It helps take you away from reality for a short period of time (which can be good) but also helps you process your thoughts and feelings, and also, I would add personally, helps combat loneliness. I find I do this more the more isolated I am, and I find most people don't do it (at all or as much) because I've just lived a way more isolated life than most people have, even those with PTSD. I've always been on my own and growing up there was no one to talk to but myself, so I talked to myself. I'm impressed actually (I bet you haven't gotten that reaction!) that you're able to completely fabricate imaginary friends. I've tried and it's beyond me. What I do is modify people I already know, particularly teachers and people who were old enough to be (half-imaginary) parents, and then talk to them. Occasionally I have more real conversations too - like I'll imagine talking to my therapist or my supervisor about something we might actually talk about. I often have these conversations aloud like you do, and have definitely been caught doing so a few times, to my embarrassment. I've also had the longer imaginings you talk of. (I've always used the word "imaginings" for this growing up rather than "daydreams" because it's so much more active.) This morning was a particularly bad case where I started one when I was half asleep and imagined my cat getting killed and it was awful and I was crying for two hours (but then it had the good/comforting element that someone cared in the dream). Often they're quite negative overall/from the outside but they usually make me feel strong or loved. They help me cope with emotional flashbacks or difficult emotions coming up during my day, though I wouldn't say they are flashbacks in and of themselves. It's definitely escapism, but escapism can be healthy, particularly in tandem with therapy.

Everyone talks to themselves to a degree - that's normal, though the frequency and aloud-aspect might not be, but in my case I think it's really just a symptom of isolation (like stranded-on-a-deserted-island-syndrome) and the fact that I raised myself and always went to myself for comfort/encouragement/compassion/companionship. I think talking to myself (imagining someone) aloud about things really helps me think through them and form opinions, and the only danger I've found is sometimes confusing the dream-person with the real one (like feeling like we're closer than we are). Many of my conversations are ones I would never actually have with the person in question, they're just an image to talk to, and talking aloud can be very therapeutic (especially if you rarely have real people to talk to).

I also became a fantasy writer, so that worked out

[tea-the-artist]

ok first I'm kind of overwhelmed at the fact that you both relate to what I've written wow...

2Spirits, hi! now that I have a clearer head, I think they have made sense as things I can't say. That's only occurred to me once actually, and I feel kinda foolish not realizing this was the case.

So you say out loud what you have to say, you don't ignore yourself,  you are true to your inner voices. Bravo!
...
My guess is that parts of you are very urgent, they want to be heard. So that could be the reason why it's the most important thing to do to dialogue with these parts - inner children.

Is this what's happening?? Only since I joined this forum I ever considered my IC... before I never knew these conversations might be my inner child... I feel even more foolish. If this is the case... wow I feel so confused still but sort of relieved. I think I'm in for even more research. I think I'm going to consciously try this to connect to my IC more maybe? Had no idea this could be a possibility though. I just thought I was bursting into random upsetting conversations with myself (brother, parents..) that I couldn't control. Thanks for the insight!

I do have safe friends, though I'm struggling in the middle of isolating myself that I haven't spoken to anyone since we last hung out. I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about this though. Even I can't understand it fully.

riverstar, I've always thought of this as an unhealthy coping mechanism though, since sometimes feels uncontrollable and too-long lasting. and feeling ashamed that not only can I not say these things to the real folks in my life, but also I've got to either go to or make up fictional comfort characters for comfort.. but your enthusiasm makes me want to embrace it a little.

I can definitely say it's helped with loneliness over the years. Growing up I never got to hang out with friends outside of school so that's part of where the imaginary friends came in to start with. Nowadays, I might "chat" with characters while I'm painting or making dinner, as if we're all just together lounging. Saying it still makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed about it, and then realizing I don't have the actual physical presence and contact I want and need, makes me feel upset.

So far, this is the only place I've talked about these "imaginings" so your impressed reaction is definitely a first. I guess the characters I create were imagined so easily because I realize (recently actually) they're kind of individual aspects of myself (in the story I'm failing to write) that I can easily "act/imagine" as them to brainstorm but also feel comfort from other characters. With these ones, and characters from shows, conversations are just made up. Not too much importance, just casual. Sometimes there's made up scenarios as well.The real ones with folks in my life, I guess like 2spirits suggested, it might be my inner child trying be heard.

That imagining must have been really scary for you though but I'm glad to hear you were comforted. Usually I'm not comforted (I think that leads to EFs) or I'm comforted in a different imagining (I might imagine I'm the child version of one of my characters, being comforted by their parent or a friendly adult figure).

They help me cope with emotional flashbacks or difficult emotions coming up during my day, though I wouldn't say they are flashbacks in and of themselves. It's definitely escapism, but escapism can be healthy, particularly in tandem with therapy.

I don't have access to therapy unfortunately, but it is a bit of a relief to hear that escapism can be healthy (I've still been doing research trying to understand CPTSD in my case and I've been feeling like a lot of the things I do to cope/survive living in an abusive house weren't helping me and that they should be stopped).

i still can't believe there's 2 people who understand this at all  (happy cry?)

[Riverstar]

I really do think it can be healthy. If you stopped having conversations with yourself what would happen? My guess is you'd feel lonely and you wouldn't sort through your feelings as they come up during the day. How is that better? It's not surprising that you have trouble speaking to real people, and while you're learning how, I think it's still more important to speak than not. At least you're being more honest with yourself and not hiding from your feelings (even if you're hiding from other people/rejection) as many people in your situation would.

I really believe escapism can be healthy too - it was certainly my main survival tool till I got out of my parents house. The reason people get addictions and get addicted to drugs is they need an escape from their life, they need to have something good to hold on to amidst the bad. While this means that people with PTSD are more prone to (harmful) addictions, it also means that choosing good addictions is really important, and being aware of the feelings and needs behind your choices. Reading and writing both worked as (non-drug and non harmful) escapes for me growing up. I remember sometimes when I couldn't handle things I'd just pick up a book and know I'd feel better later (though obviously, without solving anything, but I was too young then to be able to do anything). So if daydreaming or watching TV or reading books works for you to make your life a little easier, then go for it - even if you're actively working on improving your situation and healing (which you may not be able to do if you live with your abuser), it's still good to have breaks from the stress, even just as an act of self-compassion and self-care. In a way, those people you talk to are just yourself, they're images that you are making to help yourself, and in a sense that's really loving, from yourself to you. You're trying to help yourself when no one else is, and you know what you want (to speak, to interact with people) and you're trying to give it to yourself in the meantime, which seems really compassionate/caring.

[tea-the-artist]

now I'm even more overwhelmed by what you're saying river!

true, stopping has left me feeling a wide range of "negative" emotions as well as this bad "need" to tell myself I'm embarrassing and childish (ugh) which further intensifies the emotions (double ugh). I recall yesterday when I was feeling all over the place, my mind was racing so much, just zooming to and through and past all my thoughts. I felt so incoherent, tearing up at work, not fully sure why. My mind couldn't calm down, but today, after some imaginings (regarding a tv show), I seem and feel "fine." I'm consciously trying not to feel shame about this coping mech. Might be working.

I actually used to read a lot when I was a kid, but after starting middle school it seems my joy for reading lessened. I often just can't pay attention enough and end up reading and rereading (3 times??) sentences and paragraphs. Not sure if it correlates to how I'm doing that day, but there are some days I can read a long block of text without hesitation, and other times where just looking at it, I move past and decide "suddenly I can't read" that day. Though, perhaps my thing during childhood was actually drawing and painting. I'm glad I've continued it into adulthood.

I never thought I was ever self-compassionate (considering my self-sacrificing nature as a fawn-freeze type). It's nice to realize that these days I haven't been completely hurtful to myself and that I've maybe unknowingly been self-compassionate (I suppose if I think about it, if I were a friend, I'd want to hang out with her to cheer her up and make sure she's ok. maybe even do art together... so maybe the imaginings where I'm sitting by myself in my room "with" characters or friends, that's an act of self-compassion?  I think so)

I'm starting to feel much better about this. I'm glad I finally got the guts to talk about this and I'm beyond thankful for your feedback river!!