Is my T right for me?

[Hazy111]

Hi, i know this subject comes up a lot.

I have just started seeing a T . Tonight will be about my 6th session, but im beginning to have my doubts.

I realised i have suffered C-PTSD all my life after reading about on this site and read Pete Walkers book. I think am fight/faun type, as in strong narc traits.

Anyway last week i was talking to him about my last relationship and i said i think she was uBPD waif and i ended it for both our sakes, but now lonely and isolated. He says its better to be in relationship than not and why did i end it, as i know so much about BPD! i could make it work in a codependant way. He says "she wasnt good enough for you, was she" and im like yes, i feel terrible about braking up with her, didnt want to hurt her, it was really tough for me,, and hes making me feel worse?

I came out totally confused as to whether i had made the right decision, like retrauma.  I had to think long about it and think  i had made the right decision to end it. I thought how could he make such a suggestion.

It was a session after i read Peter Walkers book and i said i wanted him (T) to make me cry, grieve you know. He says "dont worry i will," but i didnt . It sounded arrogant, id have preferred if he said it might happen.

Then other things hes said , got me thinking hes a fellow narc? of sorts. When i cant speak , he likes to chat about himself if i ask him.
We got sidelined into talking about "Family Guy!!" and how he thinks i should watch it. I said i have but didnt like it, but he said you should give another go and im getting side tracked talking about other comedies with him , as my narc side comes out and im looking at the clock thinking , we are wasting my time here.

Theres are other things like contradictory advice with my Dad (speak to him , dont speak) and work.

He told me why dont i just stop working, the week before he was helping me with an email to get back to work?

On the second appointment i was a bit late and  i apologised profusely , but i thought he was a bit tough on me, about leaving enough time. I  dont know, maybe its the narc who cant handle criticism.

I dont know but i think im losing faith in him. I had great hopes. Black and white thinking . Idolisation initially and all that. Im all over the place .

Welcome replys

[Three Roses]

In my opinion, just the fact you have these questions indicates you're not comfortable with the therapeutic relationship any longer. It's only your 6th session - what will it have devolved into by your 16th?

That comment, "Don't worry, I will," leaves my brain screaming and wanting to run. In my mind there's no excuse for a therapist to say this to a client. I can't think of a reason why or a situation where it would be an ok thing for a therapist to say.

And, better to be in a relationship than not?? 

I don't think I'd be comfortable with him anymore.

[woodsgnome]

If you have access to anyone else for therapy, now may be the time to at least start checking other options. Therapist experiences are all over the map, as you've discovered just reading around this forum. Therapy can be a delicate matter, highly individual in approach and effect, an important relationship that gets bruised for a variety of reasons--some circumstantial, others almost cynical. From what you've shared, your t seems a tad on the cynical side. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's even burned out; but whatever is missing, even if it seemed okay, is indicative that staying with him might be riskier for you than him. Unfortunately, that can be yet another slippery slope--you need the therapy and can't match up with what the t is up to. Frustrating, confusing, discouraging.

What you described per his reaction to your breakup story sounds invalidating; never a good indicator, tinged with the cynicism mentioned. He may indeed have had some opinion, but a savvy t, it seems, would work with you, minus the blanket judgements. At least he might better explain why he says things. 

Apparently, some t's fall into the pattern of random experts who don't work with their clients. (Just as a personal aside--I don't like the terms 'client' or 'patient'--they set up an immediate dependency top-down situation). Sure they may have certain access to some forms of knowledge, but others seem to have lost whatever spark they may have once had.

Interesting that you mentioned the Walker book; I had a couple t's quite resistant to his work, as if they were afraid to have yet another aspect to consider on top of any previous training, and prefer the sure old way to any ideas, especially if the person being worked with came across it on their own--t's seem to resent other options. I was almost stunned that the present T I'm with went out and bought Walker's book and is incorporating it into her approach...one of many indicators that makes me feel fortunate to have found someone with flexibility that builds on an already impressive depth of knowledge.

My journey with t's has been a long one, with some experiences similar to what you mention. Living in a very isolated region made it hard to find anyone within reasonable driving range. Perhaps your situation is the same or better, but from what you've written, it might be prudent to consider other options (including on-line t's?). The good news seems to be you are taking initiatory steps, too--just being here and reading in the field, as you discover a path of your own. In my case, having found a t who resonates and 'gets it' has made all the difference in the world. It's not easy, but I'm starting to see more light in what is, and might be possible.

It's natural to feel "all over the place" with what your experience has been. Have you considered reaching inside and fully expressing some of your concerns as directly as you can with your T? I didn't do this with a couple of t's, and overstayed the time with them; thinking this has got to change, even when my gut instincts said otherwise. I hope you can find a balance and some way to find what you need in therapy; either where you are, or otherwise.

[sanmagic7]

upon reading your post, hazy111, my first red flag was your t telling you that you 'should' do something.  'should' is a word that is laden with guilt and power trips.  'family guy' is certainly not for everyone (i know, cuz i watch it at times), and it can be clear if it's for you after one viewing.  and the idea of a t telling you that a co-dependent relationship is better than none at all, that you  can make it work?  what's that all about?  it takes 2 to make or break a relationship.  where was either the support for your decision or a gentle exploration with you as to the dynamics of it?  and who is he to decide what's best for you - 'better to be in a relationship than not'.  such critical judgments aren't helpful, to my mind.

hazy111, no wonder you felt retraumatized and confused.  i'm a therapist, and this makes no sense to me.    i've also gone thru the tedium of a therapist getting off-topic (i.e., my problems) to talk about self or generic other things.  you're right when you feel like it's a waste of your money and your time - it is.

as far as being late, there's no excuse for him to take you to the mat about that.  it's your time and money that's being spent here.  and the inconsistencies about your dad and work - therapy is supposed to help you get clear with what you want and what is best for you.

i may sound harsh here,  but i'm really sorry you had to go through this with someone who is supposed to be looking out for your best interest first and foremost.  i've had to fire therapists before, and it's usually not easy.  best to you with this, and i sincerely hope, if you decide to change therapists, that you find someone who is a better fit for you, who treats you with care and concern, and who wants to gently guide you through the trials and tribulations that you have faced in order to come out a happier, healthier you. 

[Hazy111]

Thank you all , some great replies.

I saw him tonight and i was in a really depressed anxious state, part of me angry with him and could i let him know?

Well i just sit there , for minutes trying to calm down and im expecting him to speak and he says just speak when youre ready, which threw me. It was quite disarming.

So i brought it up , about ex girlf and being re traumatised and him talking too much.

He says "i didnt advise you,i gave you options, i would never advise anyone".  He said "ive taken it as black and white and didnt listen to what he said" , which i might have , but getting into a relationship with a Borderline, cos i know all about them , Wow!!

  Then i brought up he talks too much and is he another narc. A good therapist should only speak 10% of time according to Peter Walker. He said "  i have narcissism, healthy he hopes like most people" So i said ive made you angry and he said no you havent, but his foot is now bobbing up and down , so i stopped it with my foot and said  "your body language says different" 1 nil to the narc , that is me!!

We did have a good session to be fair and the thing is i disassociate all the time, so my mind drifts off when hes talking.  We did a lot of powerful stuff about my mother and he does talk sense.

I did pull him up again and said "youre talking too much again Tony". He said id been doing all the talking and i said no, you have more than me. So he let the session run over 5 minutes, as he said to counter his talking, which we both laughed at.

I brought  Walkers book and mentioned  these forums a few weeks back and the next week he had bought  his own copy and he did say "it was very good" (I looked at his website and it now says he deals with C-PTSD im sure it didnt say that before, but maybe thats my cynicism!)

So hes far from perfect as he says and hes older in his 60s and been through his own therapy for 20 years or so, been practicing 15 years or so. Hes also a man and i had a woman last time and was inexperienced  and i dont think it works so well, with my narc traits, thats why i picked him. I think he has quite a bit of the narc in him, (takes one to know one, or am i projecting???), but hes warm  too.

So ill stick with it for time being and see how it goes.

I suppose its oh so difficult to get the right T, because people are vulnerable . Its too easy to stop , but its sometimes you go on too long with the wrong one. Empathy and connection is critical, but its so hard to find.

Good luck to everyone and thanks again for the comments.. My cynical guard is still up!!

[sanmagic7]

good luck to you, hazy111.  i truly do hope it works out.  big hug!

[woodsgnome]

It does sound like you and your T may have had  very active Outer/Inner Critics in play, being able to discern a little of your selves in the other.

As you say, you're resolved to giving him (and yourself!) another shot, and it seems wise that you took the initiative to more directly state what's been bothering you. Your helping him to discern his own actions, despite your doubts in doing so, might turn out to have benefited both of you. Plus you realized how easy dissociation crept in, which always threatens to deter that more direct connection. Recognizing that is a good chunk of the battle in staying present. All things considered, it does seem that now would not be a good time to break off a relationship you (and he?) need. And are working on, together.

As you say, quitting is easy; it's very common to want an easier flow, but as you point out, it can get messy: "it's oh so difficult to get the right T, because people are vulnerable." There might be more of these that threaten your comfort level in future; but at least it must feel good to have arrived at another level of understanding about where both of you are coming from and how to trim some of the rough edges as you work together. The takeaway: it ain't easy.

Best wishes as you move forward.

[Hazy111]

It does sound like you and your T may have had  very active Outer/Inner Critics in play, being able to discern a little of your selves in the other.

I think this is right . I didnt want a blank screen therapist and i told him as such at the start. I need feedback and this i think tapped into his narc traits? He likes to talk and give options,  not advice as he says.

I think he is quick to judge on things i say and the inner/outer critic kicks in with him and also me, criticising him.  I dont want him to say such things that make me feel uncomfortable. What if my views are distorted. So he cant win and nor do i.

I told him at our last session that a vision came into my head of me as a young child reaching my arms up to be held and my mother and she just ignores me. He said you must have felt terrible and latched on to it. But i said i dont know if its just an invention of my imagination, as i i have absolutely no trouble criticising my mother , but i cant remember anything positive or negative as a young child. Dissociation i know. . He thinks it was true, he never doubted it, which validated me. But.....

Its ohh so difficult.

[sanmagic7]

you've been traumatized, and in my personal opinion, traumatized people need straightforward therapy, movement toward a goal of healing, not confrontation and defensiveness, nor looking for excuses for why a therapist acts a certain way.   i also think that traumatized people need a gentle, caring, and validating approach.  i'm hearing a lot of confusion and doubt from you, instead of validation and gentle exploration of what you say, think, and feel.  i know how difficult this can be.  i only want the  best for you, really.  it sucks to have to question your own therapist and therapy. 

i just hope he's not baiting you, strewing crumbs in order to keep you coming back.  that back and forth stuff, his defense of what  he's doing (where you confronted him again about talking too much, he denied it, then gave you 5 extra minutes and had you laughing - it doesn't sound funny to me) just doesn't sound  healthy or helpful to me,  just my opinion.  it's your therapy, and only you know if it feels right.