Not taking validation well? Possible object constancy issue?

[tea-the-artist]

So I've got like 3 tabs open for different threads because I'm so overwhelmed.. I've never been able to defend myself as a child nor did I learn how to, so now, a decade and years later, I feel bad to talk too much or be too wordy... but also feel bad being unable to really express things without missing details or not being asked questions that matter. But hopefully this will go well.

I think one of my biggest things, especially recently, is understanding, feeling and accepting validation from other people. And making sure it sticks with me. Unfortunately, I still live at home, so it's really hard to stop intrusive thoughts and being in contact with abusive people.

But whenever people say something nice to or about me, at the moment, it feels pretty nice, but then moments later, or sometimes days later, I've completely forgotten. Or I'm overwhelmed and crying (not sure why...). I know what they said, but I don't remember the good feeling, maybe because I don't believe it true about myself. Things like "you don't deserve that! i love you!" or "I'm here for you if you need it" just don't work for me. My best friends are very supportive and loving, and I do appreciate that, but recently I've been rather quiet. I guess isolating myself. Two of my best friends (Pansy and MG) live over an hour away and have jobs. The other (Zinnia) is 6 minute drive, but it's rather complicated... My other friend (Peach) is an online friend I met last fall and we talk a whole bunch, but I haven't talked to her since a few days ago.

Part of me feels I just can't... stand to talk to them if I can't see them and can't see them the next day, even if for a little bit, and the next day and so on. I feel incredibly lonely, but I hate.. hate hate the feeling I get as soon as I leave the house and start counting down to when I have to come back and wonder when I'll see them again. Or knowing when my friends have to be back to their homes, and that last hour hits and I suddenly feel or see the wave of certain abandonment coming. I last saw my friend (Pansy) last month, and had the same feelings. We had a nice time, but still, that last hour I felt really anxious but didn't say anything as usual.

I'm not sure which direction it affects, if this affects how I take validation from them. Most validation comes through texts (I hate phone calls) or IMing (with peach), but we normally like to joke around and be lighthearted in person (with pansy and her brother MG and our friend Rose). I like being complimented and validated about art, and it makes me more passionate about my purpose regarding that, but even recently I've questioned my purposes. Yet another thing to journal about I guess.

I think a lot of the time, even when trying to validate myself/be self-compassionate, I'm thinking of my brother and how he was hurt too, and how I might have hurt him when I didn't have the right skills to help or do better. How the Actual person who "deserved better" is him and how I'm just fine, and will be fine if he's fine. Quite silly hm? In my mind I know it's silly, but in my heart I can't shake how difficult receiving and giving myself validation is. I wonder if my friends are annoyed, reading my sad girl blog posts about how terrible I feel, days or minutes after we were just having a good time together or talking.

I don't know if it's an object constancy issue (sometimes it makes sense for me, sometimes it doesn't). It's frustrating... to not have validating words accompanied by their physical presence. Or just constant physical presence. I don't recall being hugged much as a kid.. I really need that presence. Having them really see me and not be or seem uncomfortable if I'm in tears. I don't like crying in front of them and haven't for a few years (with Zinnia, I can't remember the last time I cried in front of her). I really feel like a child or a baby, but ah... I never had emotional support when I was kid so.. I'm not sure. I think I'll end my thoughts here and see what anybody might think about this? If this is normal or something.

[Three Roses]

It is definitely normal, and it does sound like an object permanence thing. I have the same sort of thing - 5 minutes after leaving a friend's house I'm sure they hate me! Really silly, I know in my head that it's not true but.... Maybe it's an inner critic thing too? Not sure. But I thought I'd at least let you know you're not the only one who feels this way.

[tea-the-artist]

ah I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling. I've been thinking about what I could do and I'm wondering if letting my friends know about this might help or start some changes... when I think about it I feel kind of selfish though

[tea-the-artist]

hmm I just thought a little more on this. I usually do every now and then but I think today I realized something. when I was a kid my older brother used to and still does think of me as the star/prized daughter. I remember he told me our dad was lenient on me and for over a decade it's made me really guilty considering I think he got the worse end of CEBN than myself and nowadays I feel really uncomfortable being praised. I do wonder if this is related to the guilt or not.. I didn't really get praised for things I liked or liked doing more so school-related and as an adult, job-related. ugh.. now I wonder if thats also part of why I got into a lot of trouble. gosh there's so much to sort through..so many events. i'm not sure what's the cause of what *rubs head*

I do wonder if my brother has possible object constancy issue like myself. he doesn't have anyone but me that cares for his emotional well being, and while I have friends, they're not around all the time (or even physically living close enough) to emotionally support me the way I supported my brother since i was a kid. ahh... there's so many details.

[Merocor]

Hi there! 

I'm REALLY new to this site (just signed up now), but wanted to reach out and say that I feel the same way (many, many times...) I do well in my professional life: get my work done, train the new supervisors, early for meetings, observant, etc. and people say how much they appreciate having me around. I've had to force myself to say "thank you" to that, cause in the past I would usually dismiss it with "just doing what I was asked to do." Even after saying Thank You, minutes later I'm 'certain' they're not appreciative of it. And my evidence is that they're off working on their own things or laughing with other friends.

C-PTSD is very new to me and I'm learning all I can about it. Recently I picked up Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. In it, he explains that our first two years of life require the unconditional love of a parent, 24/7. If we don't get that, then we're stuck feeling unsafe, and it carries with us into our adult life.

Thus, whenever I see myself doing that, I think I deep down want them to appreciate what I do, but to ALWAYS appreciate it, 24/7. when I see them go back to their work and forget about me, it upsets me terribly. 

Hopefully this helps.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Glad you're here

[tea-the-artist]

Hey merocor! welcome!  I'm still new to CPTSD too. I'd say I'm about a month and a half into being aware that it even exists.

I've had to force myself to say "thank you" to that, cause in the past I would usually dismiss it with "just doing what I was asked to do." Even after saying Thank You, minutes later I'm 'certain' they're not appreciative of it. And my evidence is that they're off working on their own things or laughing with other friends.

I totally feel this. Especially "forcing myself." It kind of feels auto-pilot-y, like I knew to say it, but I don't know how to "feel" thanks, if that makes sense. Or the feeling dissipates within seconds usually. Sometimes I'm doing pretty well if the validation is constant, day to day especially, but I could get by if it was twice a week or so. Without it, any sort of validation always feels unwarranted (You're a good person!) or sounds like a lie (I'm here for you. You can talk to me if you need to). Back in 6th grade, on my first day of school I got bullied for a confused comment I made and when I approached my parents, my mom told me that my dad told me not to cry. He never approached me personally, so I guess it was like telling me I wasn't welcome to approach him for any problems (emotional or not), so since then I never have.

I think I can remember as much as anyone (maybe with or without CPTSD) about my childhood when memories start to become concrete. It wouldn't surprise me if I wasn't unconditionally loved by my parents (or at least by my father who's the "primary" emotional abuser). I still haven't gotten the chance to pick up Pete Walker's book. I want to order it, but I'm afraid of my parents finding out or finding it in my room/bags, so I've been looking to see if I can find a PDF of it to read on my phone or tablet (it'd be easier that way since I already have a hard time reading physical books, but I'd still like to be able to support him some other way).

--edit--
I thought a bit about my crying tendency when it comes to being validated, and a thought always pops up, They're validating me? They like me? That feels so nice but how could I deserve that? I don't understand! and then I become overwhelmed. I can't figure which voice that is, if it's my inner child overwhelmed that she's truly likable unlike what her family's told us, or if it's the inner critic in such disbelief that it (it? she?) feels the need to make me mentally reject the validation and therefore invalidate myself. Or maybe it's both, and the ICr ends up winning (since I end up rejecting the validation anyway?). I want to think about this more and pay more attention when a situation comes up again.

[sanmagic7]

when i was active in my church, i came to a point where i couldn't sing the hymns that said anything about god/jesus loving me without crying, and i had to stop singing them.  it's taken me years to understand that i didn't feel worthy of unconditional love because i never experienced it - there was always a caveat, an expectation attached to being loved and/or accepted.  i also didn't get much loving, affectionate touch, like hugs, and believe i came to be 'touch deprived'.  one of the things i used to do when i'd get drunk with friends was throw an arm around their shoulders - it was an acceptable way to have some positive touch in my life.

my inner child knew what i needed, and encouraged me to get it in the best way i knew how (i'm sober now).  but my inner critic, i think, was always telling me that i didn't do/produce anything to get unconditional love, so i wasn't worthy, which made me very sad.  i wanted it so badly, and i began crying cuz i couldn't get it.

as i move along in recovery from c-ptsd, some of these things have been resolved, some are still hanging around.  not being able to 'feel' positive emotions and gestures from others is still being worked on.  i am still very touch-y, and give hugs out freely to anyone who will accept them.  it's my way of doing something good for them (maybe racking up points so that someday i'll have enough to feel worthy?) but it's also getting my own touch needs met. 

this is a wicked condition to sort through.  the layers continue to unfold and more crapola raises its head.  even tho it may not mean anything to you, i'll say it anyway - you're not alone, we're here beside you, shoulder to shoulder. working away.  one of these days you may be able to feel it and know it for its truth.

[tea-the-artist]

but my inner critic, i think, was always telling me that i didn't do/produce anything to get unconditional love, so i wasn't worthy, which made me very sad.  i wanted it so badly, and i began crying cuz i couldn't get it.

sanmagic7 i feel you, totally hit the nail on the head tbh. it really is rough, I feel kind of weird about feeling needy, and lately I've just been feeling needy all the time but being unable to ask due to thoughts like "But what did or have you done to deserve what it is you need?" ah also thanks san I know it'll definitely take some time to really feel and understand everyone's encouragements and validation.