Bullying as emotional abuse? (May be triggering)

[alliematt]

I guess childhood bullying counts as emotional abuse?

I got it from first grade onward.  I tell myself, it wasn't so bad, because I wasn't beat up or cyberbullied (showing my age here.)  But it was bad.  I can remember being blocked on the way to/from school.  I can remember being called names.  My stuff was stolen.  I even had someone write a letter to the editor about teenage drinking and sign my name to it.  I would LOVE to find a copy of that letter and ask, who wrote this?

I wasn't good in sports, and that made me a target as well.  To this day, I despise volleyball because I have a hard time figuring out where I'm supposed to stand to hit the ball, and I remember being made fun of because of the way I hit the ball. 

And to me, the biggie was:  the embarrassing question.  It's the question that, when you get asked it, there is NO good answer to because no matter what you say, it's going to be held against you.  I was asked one time if I knew what a call girl was.  I was also laughed at because I didn't understand the term "French kiss".  When I wore an Adidas shirt to school, I was asked if I went to the Adidas concert. 

I had plenty of problems on the school bus, and the first year my son was in school, I would not let him ride because I had too many bad memories.  One in particular was the kids there yelling at me that the bus was coming, I started running, and it wasn't.  They all laughed.  The next time they tried it, I didn't fall for it, and someone said to me, "You'd walk if the bus came, wouldn't you?"  Then she threw a piece of paper in my face.

At times, I just want to know, why did you do this to me?  What did I do to you that you felt so justified in making my life a living nightmare?  Why did you lie about me?  What pleasure did you get out of embarrassing me in front of people?  I know the "correct" answer is, they felt bad about themselves so they pulled you down to lift themselves up.  Well, I've also read stuff that said that bullies had an inflated ego--they liked themselves too much.  That's more what I experienced. 

I have not had a good week (too many stressors) and when I don't have a good week, that's when the memories come rushing back and I feel like an absolute failure.

[Kizzie]

You know what Allie, I would love to reach across these wires and give younger you a big huge hug and tell her that there was/is nothing about her that was/is wrong, it is the behaviour of those children that was wrong.   

They hurt you and that is not due to any failure on your part, it is in every respect about them and whatever was happening (or not happening) in their lives that led them to believe it is okay to make other people feel badly whether it was because they were power tripping or just plain mean.

We talk a lot about Inner Child work here and I have found that mine started to heal from my NPDM's negative messages when I got angry and realized that I was not the person she wanted me to believe I was, that .....she.....was..... wrong, and that I was/am a good person.  For me getting angry seemed to be the first step out of all that negative inner critic stuff.  I don't know if this will be your path to healing from bullying but just thought I'd let you know what worked for me.

Chase those ghosts away in whatever way works for you! 

[alliematt]

I have had two bullies apologize.  I'm grateful, because not everyone has had that experience. 

Sometimes I just get very, very angry because no, I didn't do anything to deserve any of that.  My dad was a public school teacher.  My mother told me on a couple of occasions that the reason we went to public school was because if my sister and I were sent to private school, we were saying that the school system wasn't good enough for my father to work in.

So I have to stay there and deal with a toxic environment just so you could make a point??

It makes me very angry how bullies and the bullied are treated.  And it's the powerlessness that I felt back then that makes me very angry now. 

[mourningdove]

I went through many, many of the same experiences after I started first grade. It was never-ending. Gosh, The Embarrassing Question...

Thanks for talking about this, alliematt. I'm sorry it happened to you. You didn't deserve it.

[sanmagic7]

o yeah, bullying is emotional abuse!  in fact, several years ago, i read an article online about bullying in the workplace, and that's the first time i'd ever read the term 'c-ptsd'.  i didn't quite relate to it at the time, but it stuck with me.

my sister bullied both my brother and me.  threats and intimidation toward me, actual physical poundings on him (he was quite a bit younger).  he and i have talked about it, and when he's talked to her about it, she dismisses it, won't be accountable at all.  i believe her behavior set the stage for more bullying (altho in much more subtle ways) that i allowed in my relationships through the years.  i'm glad you got some apologies.  that validation is usually helpful.  you didn't deserve it then, and you don't deserve it now.  watch for it in the future - it comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms.   and if you sense it from anyone, it's probably true, so don't ignore those warning signals.  your gut won't steer you wrong.  i hope you never have to experience bullying of any kind from here on out.

[TwinCinema]

Bullying absolutely counts as emotional abuse!
I've been reckoning with my own memories of school bullying lately.
Up until maybe 10th grade, I was essentially a social pariah.
My Asperger's traits made it difficult for me to pick up on social cues, but that still doesn't excuse the teasing and intimidation I received.
I even got called racist and homophobic slurs on occasion, some of which still reverberate in my brain when I feel low.

I'm glad you brought up "The Embarassing Question"; it's such a nefarious tactic, but it doesn't get described all that much.
You didn't deserve the abuse you were dealt, and it's a good sign that you recognize that!

[Contessa]

In my opinion, bullying is absolute nonsense with no point except for the amusement of, or exertion of control by, the bully. Comparatively, for the bullied, it can be utter devastation.

I don't understand why certain people are singled out. Why them?

If I found out there was bullying happening in my classroom, the question first asked was "What's your point?" They never had an answer. The next thing we discussed was how they were doing themselves damage by doing it, not their victim.

The bullying generally stopped... but can't stop all of it. Especially when you're the one being bullied. Everyone needs an ally.

Those are my thoughts. Apologies if it seems preachy, idealistic, or tangential. In an ironic twist i'm being bullied myself at work right now and can't do anything about it. Its so weird!

[sanmagic7]

contessa, i love that you confronted the bullies.  from your description of them not having an answer to your question, it sounds like it's pretty mindless crapola.  when i was working with adolescents, often the answer to my question of 'why do you do this' was 'because i can.'  again, mindless.

bullying in your office place?  horrible, and i feel bad for you that you have to go thru it.  sucks, especially if you can't do anything about it.  dang, i hope it stops real soon.  you don't deserve it. 

[Contessa]

Thanks Sanmagic. "Because I can"... utterly ridiculous.

And sorry to everyone here who has been bullied. It makes absolutely no sense, and all it achieves is damage.

[Rainydaze]

I've had it in various forms. As a child I didn't realise it was bullying (I guess I was conditioned to accept being treated bad from birth) but looking back I can see how the low self-esteem I experienced as a result from living under a tyrant made me such an easy target outside of the home too. People always say that school offers you the best years of your life but I had a hideous time; each year I get older is an absolute blessing to me!

What does annoy me looking back is that teachers must have seen what was going on but said nothing to help me. One even encouraged the kids to make fun of me. I agree with Allie, the powerlessness felt back then is overwhelming.

[alliematt]

Bullying absolutely counts as emotional abuse!
I've been reckoning with my own memories of school bullying lately.
Up until maybe 10th grade, I was essentially a social pariah.
My Asperger's traits made it difficult for me to pick up on social cues, but that still doesn't excuse the teasing and intimidation I received.
I even got called racist and homophobic slurs on occasion, some of which still reverberate in my brain when I feel low.

I'm glad you brought up "The Embarassing Question"; it's such a nefarious tactic, but it doesn't get described all that much.
You didn't deserve the abuse you were dealt, and it's a good sign that you recognize that!

You didn't deserve it, either, Asperger's or no.  (I have a child with autism.)

Oh yeah, the "embarrasing question".  "Allie, do you know what a call girl is?"  "Allie, would you go all the way with so and so?" "Your little sister drinks milk from your breasts, doesn't she?"  "Allie, the bus is coming! (when it wasn't)." "You'd walk if the bus came, wouldn't you?"  "Where did you get your wedgies? (sandals with chunky heels, asked with the expectation that I wouldn't know what the word meant.)"  "Are you a les?" (a lesbian, which I am not?)  "Allie, will you sit on the floor?" (in a class when there wasn't enough seating.)  I was trying to be nice when I said, "I don't know where our teacher wants us to sit." Why didn't I just say, "No.  YOU sit on the floor." 

"Allie, can I borrow your book?" Asked by classmates I didn't trust.  When I said no, and told my parents I said no, I was told, I hope you never have to borrow anything in that class.  Then my father chiming in with the saying, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.  The implication being, since I wouldn't let people borrow my book, they wouldn't loan me anything that I needed.  I don't remember if I explained to them that it was a situation where I didn't trust the people asking. 

And the bus.  I know swearing is not allowed here, for good reason, but it is very tempting to let out a long stream of bad words about the bus!  Let's see--no, you can't sit with me; being bullied at the bus stop, having a bully sit on the corner of the seat and then later being accused of "you spread your books around and you only gave him this little tiny space"; getting punched in the back once, having bullies sit behind me and bother me.  I finally, in 12th grade, snapped and started screaming at two boys bothering me.  The "gang" FOLLOWED ME HOME AND CAME UP INTO MY YARD.  My parents pulled me off the bus and started driving me to school.  And then, they saw me get out of the car and yelled, "Hey, Allie, why don't you ride the bus anymore?"

Why does it still hurt, 35 years later, when we've all grown up?

[alliematt]

contessa, i love that you confronted the bullies.  from your description of them not having an answer to your question, it sounds like it's pretty mindless crapola.  when i was working with adolescents, often the answer to my question of 'why do you do this' was 'because i can.'  again, mindless.

Sadly, it's true.  They can, and too often, no one's there to stop it. 

I had a girl tell me in sixth grade, we're not going to tell you why we're picking on you.  I want to hit that girl right now, and she's actually one of the ones who apologized to me as a grown-up. 

[alliematt]

In my opinion, bullying is absolute nonsense with no point except for the amusement of, or exertion of control by, the bully. Comparatively, for the bullied, it can be utter devastation.

I don't understand why certain people are singled out. Why them?

If I found out there was bullying happening in my classroom, the question first asked was "What's your point?" They never had an answer. The next thing we discussed was how they were doing themselves damage by doing it, not their victim.

The bullying generally stopped... but can't stop all of it. Especially when you're the one being bullied. Everyone needs an ally.

Those are my thoughts. Apologies if it seems preachy, idealistic, or tangential. In an ironic twist i'm being bullied myself at work right now and can't do anything about it. Its so weird!

I'm sorry about the workplace bullying.   You would think that we adults would know better, but too often, we don't.  This isn't something you deserve.  And I'll bet they're a lot more subtle about it than childhood bullies were.  Are you a teacher?

[Contessa]

Hi Alliematt,
Yes, its extremely subtle at this level. However they picked the wrong person to bully. Not only can I read every move, I've figured out that no matter how down and out I get, I will fight back when the resilience and energy builds up again.

Thankfully, having advocated for those students for years (yeah I used to be a teacher), I really owe it to myself to fight for me too.

We all do

[deptofhearts]

oh man, bullying - I had it bad, and sometimes I saw those who bullied me getting bullied, but that didn't make it any better. I grew up in a small town with more than a bit of poverty with a few broken homes around - and that town turned out some sad and angry kids. I got blocked and jumped on my way to school, my paper run etc and it haunted me. Totally added to my developing C-PTSD. 
SO - I stand with you in your pain  and tell you - you ARE awesome, you WERE awesome when that was happening and whomever was trying to embarrass you could see that awesomeness and wanted to make themselves feel better by making you hurt.  And now you are sticking up for others? Go you!!! Silver linings....
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