Question. Right or wrong?

Started by AncientSoul, October 17, 2016, 04:21:30 PM

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AncientSoul

Greetings.

I've isolated myself again, but that is mostly because of finances and recovering from a physical injury. Social media is my outlet for human contact, and coming here sometimes for answers to things does help quite a bit.

In the past, some of the responses I have received made me think I did something wrong. Upon reflecting, I can see the thoughts and concerns so now I understand those positions. There are often two answers or more to situations, and they all could be right.

Several months ago, I was innocently responding by email to a friend of mine of over ten years. She and I have never met, but I've helped her as best I could by lending an ear, being there when needed, and also giving personal references for her to help in her business. She has two kids, one is an infant, and she had been victimized by a bad relationship with a Narcissist. She escaped and is doing fine.

She had been telling me a few things about her business, which she owns and runs an adult family home. She was describing a potential resident who other places would not take. The person was violent, screamed, needed particular care, etc. I listened, thought about it and wrote her back. Out of a long message I said this about that potential resident.

"As far as another resident goes. I suppose it would be nice to have the income, but you also have to look at your own quality of life and your children's. That would be my concern. But like I've said, you know what you're doing."

I didn't think much of it, it was just a statement and something my parents often told me about myself. Yet shortly my friend answered me back and was mad as * at me and told me that I should not judge her and I should apologize immediately. I was stunned as to what did I do?

As a child, I was put into the situation of screaming older people living with us for a time. They were older relatives who my parents helped for a time until a better situation for them could be found. I remember my thoughts and the screaming at night. That's what I had on my mind when I made the statement. Also, my Narcissistic sister always told me I was to blame, and my sister always told me I was wrong and worthless. My sister would force me to apologize for things I did not do.

A few days ago, my friend wrote me, blaming me for not apologizing for what I said. She also blamed me for not writing for months and that I was not a good friend. I wrote back and said that she never wrote or checked on me either, and that I felt I didn't do anything wrong to be forced to apologize.

So I'm asking if what I said was wrong? I already told her that I didn't intend to judge anyone and was just making a statement as I had experience with those feelings as a child.  I said that friends accept friends and what they say. But I don't like being made the bad guy. I feel pretty bad about all of this, but I realize I will feel defeated if I buckle under.

AncientSoul

Dee



Do you think that she may have felt you implied that she was after the income?  Maybe her decision to take the resident was to help someone that others have turned their back on.  I am sure that wasn't your intention, but maybe she misunderstood?  Maybe she also felt that you implied that income was more important than the quality of life of her children.  Just a thought, I'm not her so I cannot be sure.  If anyone brings my children into anything I go crazy.  They can say anything about me and I will take it, bring my kids into it and then I get angry.

My sister recently told me that she is so busy explaining why she is right she doesn't hear or consider the other side.  She doesn't mean to do this, she just always thinks she is right.  She apologized for this, but has yet to internalize it.  It was the first time I can remember her apologizing for anything.

AncientSoul

Thanks. I'm here to figure things out, and I appreciate the feedback. I don't wish to hurt anyone by my actions, as I've had that done to me far too much.

She didn't take the resident, but she said I was "judging her". I said I only was making a statement from my experience, and nothing more. She said it was her business that supports her family, and she would never put her kids in danger. I never said she did.

I understand about your sister. (far more than you realize) And if she apologized, I hope she meant it.

As for myself, if I know and realize I did something wrong, or if I made a mistake, I'll step up and admit it and take the responsibility. But if I don't believe I did anything wrong, or am trying to be forced to admit something I didn't do, I will stand fast and not give in. I've been wrong many times, but I've admitted it. This was a misunderstanding as far as I am concerned, but when she wrote me a few days ago, she did it saying she dropped it and forgot about it, but then wondered why I haven't apologized to her. That doesn't make any sense to me. She also knows I'm trying to heal and recover.

Wife#2

AS - Consider this possibility. You two have been friends a very long time. Ask her, point blank so no more misunderstandings, but be nice about it.

My word-craft brain has been reeling off possible wordings since reading your posts. Perhaps, 'I certainly never meant to offend. If I did, I still am unclear about how. As part of my healing, I have made it a personal boundary to not apologize unless I am clear what I did wrong. Getting this clarification is also to help me learn so that I will not repeat my offense unwittingly. Also, it is to prevent myself repeating a childhood habit which has been harmful to me. Because I value our friendship, I do want to know explicitly what I said which was so offensive. Use your own words, so I can more clearly understand how the communication breakdown happened. Without this I can offer no apology.'

I'm so very sorry that this hitch happened. I'm also glad to hear that she did not welcome the angry drama into her home, for her children's sakes most of all. If you two have managed to remain friends for a decade or more, I feel you two will find your way past this situation. Peace to you.

Three Roses

It sounds a little defensive, on her part. She seemed to jump from Point A to Point Q with no hesitation. If this isn't a pattern within your friendship, you'd think she would have been the one asking you for clarification, instead of talking a blaming stance against you as her knee-jerk reaction!

You did nothing wrong, she misunderstood your words. But now it seems other things have been said, and so I will ask you what a very smart friend asked me once - are you happy that she's feeling judged? Of course not! So then you are ... sorry? It doesn't have to mean you accept the responsibility for her hurt feelings.

No one "makes" anyone feel anything; these are our chosen responses (not reactions) to our fellow humans' actions. We are each only answerable for our own stuff.

AncientSoul

I thank you all for your responses. I have no where else to go with something like this to find answers. One day, I will be out and about again in public. I'm actually quite good with being around people, but the environment here isn't conducive for me to go out much.

Misunderstandings like this have happened before with my friend. In the past, I've said something which I've thought was totally innocent, and she's taken it the wrong way. It has been a pattern over the years with her. So naturally, because of the past grooming I've had by my Narcissist older sister, I've blamed myself. But in my quest for healing, I'm delving into my own words, how I wrote them, and what I really meant. My sister always "gas lighted" me. I'm sure you all may relate to that. I would be a witness my my sister's actions, then she would deny she ever did what she did. It made me question myself, which is why I asked this question in this forum.

If I cannot be open and honest and not be "punished" for something I innocently said, I wonder if the relationship is worth it. It is my life, my opinions and my feeling that everyone makes mistakes, but I can't always be the one blamed. I wondered if it would be a mistake bringing this up here. If it was allowed and I would be punished for talking about this. What I found is understanding and help, and I appreciate that.

I make mistakes, I've made big ones, and I'm learning to find people who accept my mistakes and who also accept me despite those mistakes. I'm thinking its better to have feelings than to have no feelings at all. If I don't make friends, I will keep trying. If I don't find love, I will not stop being open to the possibility. It is one step after another, and take my time. This is what I'm learning.

Thanks,
AncientSoul