Hi all,
This is a bit of a diary note really. I would love any feedback if you have experienced anything familiar, but if not, please feel free to read and run!!
So, I have/had a friend called Sarah. We were friends for about 7 years.
Sarah is very loud, very confident, very everything. She wears bright colours, paints her nails bright pink and walks around like someone who runs the world. In short, she was fun and entertaining. However, since my healing journey began, I learnt that she was also (at least) very narcissistic. As was my mother.
Sarah has done and said some extremely nasty and hurtful things to me over the years and I have forgiven her time and time again. The list really is too long to write about, but for background, includes personal insults about the way I look - weight, hair, clothes etc.. .she made up blatant lies about me saying I had a personality disorder and when I confided in her once about my dissociation she made something awful up which made me question my sanity. She also told me I was obsessed with my therapist, that I don't need therapy, and that my boyfriend was a psychopath. As I say, there is much more where that came from.
I forgave her time and time again because I "saw" the real her. The nice her, the one not many people get to see. I guess in a nutshell I thought I could make/keep her good. But obviously I am not that special!!
2 months ago, she pushed me too far. I defended myself for the first time and told her she was projection venom onto me and told her to get some help. Initially I felt fantastic. I had finally stood up for myself. I felt relieved that I had "escaped" the friendship and I felt like my eyes were finally wide open. A few days later, I felt angry and a few days after that I felt sad..... then guilty, very, very guilty. What kind of a friend am I if I can just give up/walk away from someone I've been so close to for all of that time? I spoke to my therapist and told her that I knew deep down, she was bad for me. That she treated me abusively. That she was just like my mother (also extremely narcissistic). I stayed "strong" and didn't contact her. Then that very night, she text me to "apologise". I say it in quotes because it was pretty half-hearted, you know, like sorry but and that kind of thing. I ignored them. A month later, I deleted her from my facebook. That night she text again to say goodbye and good luck.
So here we are. I haven't allowed her back into my life which I totally accept is the "right" thing to do. I acknowledge that I miss her - rightly or wrongly. But the thing that is hurting me the most is the guilt. I feel sooooooooooo guilty.
The guilt of letting her go so easily - the guilt of giving up on her. She clearly needs help, I should be able to brush off the insults and abuse from her because I know she is deeply hurt herself really - the front is just armour. But I can't anymore. I can't keep being everyone's scapegoat.
Someone tell me, does the guilt ease off? Does it get easier?
Thanks for reading. x