My "break-up" with my toxic friend - the feelings

[Twinkletoes]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a diary note really. I would love any feedback if you have experienced anything familiar, but if not, please feel free to read and run!!

So, I have/had a friend called Sarah. We were friends for about 7 years. 

Sarah is very loud, very confident, very everything. She wears bright colours, paints her nails bright pink and walks around like someone who runs the world. In short, she was fun and entertaining. However, since my healing journey began, I learnt that she was also (at least) very narcissistic. As was my mother.

Sarah has done and said some extremely nasty and hurtful things to me over the years and I have forgiven her time and time again. The list really is too long to write about, but for background, includes personal insults about the way I look - weight, hair, clothes etc.. .she made up blatant lies about me saying I had a personality disorder and when I confided in her once about my dissociation she made something awful up which made me question my sanity.  She also told me I was obsessed with my therapist, that I don't need therapy, and that my boyfriend was a psychopath. As I say, there is much more where that came from.

I forgave her time and time again because I "saw" the real her. The nice her, the one not many people get to see. I guess in a nutshell I thought I could make/keep her good. But obviously I am not that special!!

2 months ago, she pushed me too far. I defended myself for the first time and told her she was projection venom onto me and told her to get some help.  Initially I felt fantastic. I had finally stood up for myself. I felt relieved that I had "escaped" the friendship and I felt like my eyes were finally wide open. A few days later, I felt angry and a few days after that I felt sad..... then guilty, very, very guilty. What kind of a friend am I if I can just give up/walk away from someone I've been so close to for all of that time? I spoke to my therapist and told her that I knew deep down, she was bad for me. That she treated me abusively. That she was just like my mother (also extremely narcissistic).  I stayed "strong" and didn't contact her.  Then that very night, she text me to "apologise". I say it in quotes because it was pretty half-hearted, you know, like sorry but and that kind of thing. I ignored them.  A month later, I deleted her from my facebook. That night she text again to say goodbye and good luck.

So here we are. I haven't allowed her back into my life which I totally accept is the "right" thing to do. I acknowledge that I miss her - rightly or wrongly. But the thing that is hurting me the most is the guilt. I feel sooooooooooo guilty.

The guilt of letting her go so easily - the guilt of giving up on her. She clearly needs help, I should be able to brush off the insults and abuse from her because I know she is deeply hurt herself really - the front is just armour. But I can't anymore. I can't keep being everyone's scapegoat.

Someone tell me, does the guilt ease off? Does it get easier?

Thanks for reading. x

[Sandstone]

I hope it gets easier.
I had been distancing from my NPD friend lately but her F has passed away and iv let her back in.
I know she is grieving but she dumps everything on me. And yes i feel guilty too.
Compare the guilt u feel to all the times she has made you feel bad. 

Im sure in time you will feel less guilt and know you did the right thing. Good luck

[Three Roses]

It's awesome that you've taken a stand for yourself! 

I think the guilt will decrease with time and realization that healthy friendships are a two way street, and you are a good friend who deserves to have good friends in return. "Choose people who chose you back." The pattern we've been indoctrinated into is to give, give, give and never ask for anything in return.

It's ok to break dysfunctional patterns that no longer serve you as you grow.

[Wife#2]

As I've watched friends come and go, some I had to walk away from, some discarded me like a used tissue, I've come to realize that some friends are there for a season - and sometimes that season is a decade long.

You've done the healthiest thing possible. You've declared that you are worthy of being treated well by people who declare friendship for you. If you realized that this pattern is not likely to change, then you did the responsible, healthy, adult thing.

I wish I could say that the guilt will go away. I can't. I CAN say that it will get less with each year that goes by. I can also say that I did eventually look back over those old friendships and realized that I was, for some reason, fawning and trying to EARN friendship with those people. Gifts can't be earned and if it must be earned then it isn't friendship.

The difference between the way some people discarded me and the way you ended your friendship is that you at least said goodbye. Yes, it was in a defense mode (I can just see you mentally dropping the microphone in front of her), but you did give a reason and walk away. You did read her faux-pologies (fake apologies that SOUND legit until you get to the 'but'). That's more than a discarder does.

And, you didn't walk away so easily! You endured YEARS of triggering behavior without complaint! So, consider yourself a warrior with rhino-hide for how long you endured before you had enough!