HUGE trigger warning. Invalidation

[Sienna]

I am triggered.
This is a rant. and any support or advice, or anyone who can relate..would be appreciated.
Im angry.
My dad rang up the volunteer centre the other day.
Havent been in touch with him beasue due to money issues i havent had a phone contract.
Wasnt speaking to him much before either.
Since comming to the woman's refuge (due to narc X break up and his behaviour), he hasnt been supportive.
He hasnt even asked me if I'm ok.
T says its fine that I'm angry and need space from him.
he is emotionally negate trull and let my narc mother carry on abusing me.
I wont go into the whole of everything that happened with my dad, that makes me  its too long

Lately- might be dissociative parts- but I'm becoming aware or maybe accepting perhaps al little more, that i DO say things out of the blue- they just shoot out of me. And i think I'm accepting it a little because i know that with dissociative parts- this can happen.
Before i was just so confused by my behaviour.

Lady at centre (who talks down to me and i think, has always had a problem with me- her issue)
asked if he called
I just causally said he wanted to come and visit me but i didnt have a phone so he couldn't get in touch.
Cant remember what she said..she asked me if dad had been helpful...
Txt other part of me came up and spoke..something i normally wouldn't do...and i wasn't angry when i said it.
I said he hasnt been very helpful
*Dad was going to come and see me he said, but that he was going on holiday first.
So i don't think he really cares that much..but whatever.*
She then said to me:
*Oh, your so pessimistic!*
And i said, *Im not, thats the truth. That is what he's like. He goes on this holidays instead of visiting and he has always put his girlfriend before me. But you don't know, becasue you are not me, and you don't know what he is like* - brushing it off.

Then I walked out of the room

I hate that i disassociate or freeze, when really what i want is to rip this woman head off and scream at her -
how dare you judge! you don't know anything. You don't know my life.
You don't know that i was abused by my mother as a child and as a result i have complex PTSD and my dad stood by all these years and did NOTHING!!
You don't know that my dad has done nothing since i came to the refuge.
He hasnt even asked me IF IM OK- BASIC SKILLS!!
And its NOT IN MY HEAD because my Therapist agrees!

HOW DAD IS IS THE TRUTH.
ITS NOT IN MY HEAD!
and by her saying that *im so pessimistic* - putting it out there LIKE THAT IS A FACT- will not change anything. It wont change the PHYSICAL CIRCUMSTANCES- THE PHYSICAL LACK OF ACTION HE IS DOING.
It sounds to me as though she is saying that
*if i just think more positively- live in a make believe land where i hope dad will visit and i hope and JUST BELIEVE that he cares and that he isn't putting his holidays and his girlfriend before me
there WILL BE NO PROBLEM

IM JSUT BEING PESSIMISTIC
It really hurts. How absolutely dare she!!!
What i told her was quite sad ...
even if i was wrong..if thats how i FELT- that dad didnt care about me and didnt want to see me-
i personally think that someone THINKING that is a painful thing to hear.
Wouldnt she at least offer some words of comfort?

I mean, how uncalled for! Its not her place to say anything like what she said- she doesnt know me, my life, or my dad!

Why is everyone so invalidating? I would understand their irritation if i went around shouting my life story about looking for validation- but i don't! (and if anyone does that, validating is what they need, just it might grate on others)
I feel as if people want me to put on a happy act (due to others noticing I'm struggling and forcing me to tell them whats up and me being a tiny bit honest and them invalidating) and not speak my truth.
Just to nod and smile along and be their *good little girl* who is just complacent, and happy on the outside with everything.

AHHHHH!
Can anyone relate?
I know i should just see it as *her* issue. But I'm so triggered. Thats ok - i need to express this anger, but i cant for where I'm living.
Maybe some others cant stand to hear certain things, or cant stand to see someone in pain.
BUT THATS NOT MY PROBLEM.
I HATE HER.
This was the woman by the way, who brushed off what i said, when i went to tell her that i was being sexually touched up by this guy at the centre.
I HATE HER. I HATE HER.

[mourningdove]

I know it's not in your head, Sienna.   

Yes, what this woman said was invalidating and selfish. I think that people typically do this kind of thing when they are in denial about their own issues. I would probably be hating her too right now.

You are 100% correct that it's not your problem if other people don't want to see someone in pain.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time.

[Sienna]

Mourning dove, thank you for your validation!

And thank you for trusting me that its not in my head.

You are 100% correct that it's not your problem if other people don't want to see someone in pain.

Thanks. I feel mean. I always took the stance that i wanted to understand everyone- even if they didnt try to understand me or my feelings, or rather..show any consideration or any analytical skills when it comes to me.
And now..i cant be bothered. Only if someone gives me the time and its mutual will i give the same back.

Im not having too much of a bad time...well, i guess things have bene difficult due to other triggers...but yes, just a bad moment...thank you, and thanks for understanding.
Im not sure what to say when things like this happen..people invalidate me i find, like my dad...before ive even spoken..such as *now don't get feeling down!!* and i don't know how to respond. 

[Three Roses]

How could she know if you're pessimistic or not? that's none of her business anyway! in my opinion if she can't say something helpful, she shouldnt say anything at all!!

you don't have to be nice or polite to everyone, sienna. it's ok to turn your back and walk away if someone is insulting you.

[Sienna]

How could she know if you're pessimistic or not? that's none of her business anyway! in my opinion if she can't say something helpful, she shouldnt say anything at all!

!
I agree. Im the kind of person who doesnt talk about stuff, who tries to appear happy, and if not *happy* - not moping around talking pessimistically.

you don't have to be nice or polite to everyone, sienna. it's ok to turn your back and walk away if someone is insulting you

Thank you Three Roses! 

[Wife#2]

Im not sure what to say when things like this happen..people invalidate me i find, like my dad...before ive even spoken..such as *now don't get feeling down!!* and i don't know how to respond. 

May I offer one possible response? I think I might actually be capable of saying something along these lines in the near future, should the occasion arise. 

'Now don't get GOD-like telling me how to feel! Really. If what you want is me to pretend all is well, then be honest with me. Tell me that my being down makes you nervous. I can respect THAT. But, please, will you listen to your own words and understand that telling me how to feel is not the same as caring how I feel?'

Being invalidated is one of the hardest things to realize are happening to you, because we've been conditioned to accept invalidation as normal. All this would be so much easier if confrontation was easier on our souls. Standing up to such wrong behavior would be so much easier! In the situation myself, I would likely just blush and wish I could think more quickly for those great comebacks.

By the way, what you DID say to that worker was completely acceptable and to the point. Far better than I would have faired in your situation. Of course, she did deserve the screaming, but would it have really done any good? At least this way, you didn't get a sore throat along with everything else.

HUGS to you, Sienna.

[Sienna]

Wife2, thanks a lot for offering your ideas!

I think I might actually be capable of saying something along these lines in the near future, should the occasion arise. 

I really hope you can. I believe you will, one day when you are able.

'

Now don't get GOD-like telling me how to feel! Really. If what you want is me to pretend all is well, then be honest with me. Tell me that my being down makes you nervous. I can respect THAT. But, please, will you listen to your own words and understand that telling me how to feel is not the same as caring how I feel?'

I mean, this is just GREAT!

Being invalidated is one of the hardest things to realize are happening to you, because we've been conditioned to accept invalidation as normal. All this would be so much easier if confrontation was easier on our souls.

You are right. Maybe its not just the fact that it hurts, but that we thought it was normal and then we (i) feel powerless to do anything about it most of the time due to fear of confrontation.
Maybe its that thing. Im angry at everyone else except my parents and i have read that, a child can fear destroying the parents with their anger.
I do worry ill just loose my cool and everting will come crashing down but at the same time..after dealign with narcs...i just want to let loose and forget looking like the more calmer, collected person, which helps as a survival mechanism.

Standing up to such wrong behavior would be so much easier! In the situation myself, I would likely just blush and wish I could think more quickly for those great comebacks.

Yes, i am the same. Only in this situation..i don't know what happened.
I normally freeze.

By the way, what you DID say to that worker was completely acceptable and to the point. Far better than I would have faired in your situation. Of course, she did deserve the screaming, but would it have really done any good? At least this way, you didn't get a sore throat along with everything else.

Now this made me chuckle! So great!
Im glad you thought that what i said was ok. I know i still have a long way to go with doing this *al the time* and with not brushing off what I'm saying with *whatever!* as it *might* sound like i don't have much confidence in what I'm saying and that I'm brushing off my life like she was.

to you too.