Angelica's on line journal

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Angelica's on line journal
« on: October 21, 2016, 12:06:37 AM »
in the public library and going to attempt to find a book called or interlibrary loan a book called "A BOOK ABOUT  YOU  FOR WOMEN OF SEXUAL PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE" what the agencies don't understand --- librarian couldn't find this book without the author
in the library watching a video on NLP
find I cant be in this site long because it becomes a trigger, reading some post about trump and politics and posters getting upset, when people get upset it scares me, so I thought in my head just stay out of it and pick your battles... I wanted to say that I think it shows the level of intelligence in America that they would vote in a man who is an obvious womanizer and perhaps in many cases took advantage of them due to his position.   Also someone made a good point.  Why would women come forward with RAPE charges when the general atmosphere is that its ok and acceptable.   ON A HAPPY NOTE I saw a baby a friends grand child in photo's and this baby is so full of JOY unbelievable JOY the parents are so in tune with this baby's needs, he doesn't wear a diaper but they know when he needs to potty and they just hang his butt over the side and he goes.  wow, it makes me think there is hope for humanity these little signs , I say to myself if there is one child being treated right, there ripple effect will be massive , because I believe this notion of the 100th monkey, and what that means to me is that ((once something hits the human consciousness or the consciousness of the planet, it spreads like wild fire to the rest of the earths consciousness))) bless us and have a lovely day COHORTS---
just going to post a bit in here, been writing so much in my other journals that this place gets the crumbs, but thought that since it might help someone else to read what I'm going through I would go ahead and add stuff here--with out punctuations because that's what my little girl likes hehe- watched all these series of works by John Bradshaw and the integration of the inner child, pretty power full stuff had me wailing, lots of tears coming out, but I still went and over ate so suppose the hole is not completely filled up, didn't over eat too bad just had a larger portion of lasagna at a friends 60th bday party, all artists there--took him a painting I did looking very impressionistic, as I was pretty * disappointed in how it came out because I hadn't been drawing for some time before that and thought It was an iris and
peoni, it wasn't very realistic ( perfectionsist speaking?)--so apparently we have 3 brains and I'm becoming more and more fascinated by this * because its the real deal--you see we have these baby brains, or reptialian brain, its a brain that we are using when we cant realyy think well and then there are 2 others last being the thinking brain oh yea 2nd is emotional brain and well I'm curious how when you get triggered or in a flash back how you can tthink straight and or the emotions are shut off and that sort of thing, and it comes up a lot there when Bradshaw  is lecturing about how we tend to get in our heads--last boyfriend and I always fighting because we were in our heads--in our thoughts fighting--with wounded children inside yealling at each other--***so the bottom line is kids** we half to***FEEL FIRST*** because what got stolen from us from childhood trauma was ((((*This connection to the FEEL THINK ONE that was our soul child))) This wonderful SOUL ANGEL, ** was shoved in a freKing corner and treated so badly that they don't even have words to say what this experience was all about, so essentially the  ***SOUL CHILD *** was trapped behind debris flow of the * TarDs that had their own **IMPRISONED --SOUL ANGEL-***  PRETTY MESSY ---so go to the link for the Bradshaw workshops if it speaks to you start with the first one in the series and make sure its a week end when  your bawling  your eyes out no one's gona laugh at ya and have a stuffed animal ready I had a small stuffed frog)))))) FROGS THE BOMB BABY! ---- Artist friends birthday party was a blast though I stayed out too late too tired***BAND ROCKED WITH HORNS TOO--great food and most importantly great COMPANY --till I went home and in convo in truck squished with kind friend that took me  home--- and nother friend of many years-- had to one up  me in the convo=== when I got home I thought=== that's her freeking SCREAMING SOUL CHILD== trying to make my emerging ****ANGEL CHILD*** FEEL BAD--- some lot of * is understandable now , were all so flawed every damn one of us but ** id rather not be on psyc meds because if this whole goat feel thing first then the thought is true then their approach is all backwards and they don't even have a * CLUE---my friend yesterday helped me to attempt to re-write a messed up buss schedule---I cant explain much because it would say where I live but a tribe of native Americans started a bus route and their schedule is like on 4 pages to go to 2 small rural towns, and so I ask a gal I know to help me because I'm sure she knows excell and she helps me but we had a falling out, because she thought it was funny to laugh at me chasing my dog about the yard when I didn't think it was freeking funny. maybe it was but I don't like people thinking something I don't think is funny Delete repeated word because I feel like it  makes fun of me.  anyhow she's on meds and when I'm around her its hard but I knew she knew excell like a CHAMP --- so I ask her for help and using my re-chart of the schedule we took an hour to whip up a more understandable and readable bus schedule ill give to the driver..... any way meddling where no one asked me too but I'm a freek about anyway she asks me why something about us not hanging out or why I gota problem with her and I tell her straight up because shes on meds she doesn't have emotions and its hard to deal with that.....
I wrote her a letter that I'm not going to give to her because it goes more into details about how it feels to be around her,,, like there is something screaming inside her and it actually hurts to be around her like I'm getting poked with needles***** I think its EMPATHETIC RESPONSE, NO I KNOW IT IS, *** and the scarry part is that its like there are places where she is like impossible to read like there is a dead space, anyway, I told her that its just too hard to be around someone who doesn't have any feelings, but I explained it this way , I have notehr friend who takes meds , and talks about the saddest things while smiling, its not natural, she should be sobbing, what's up with that.... its not ok. . . and what doctor gives someone meds like that so that they can have their feelings all twisted??? So I explained to her indirectly so as not to hurt her feelings but sometimes I think you just hurt feelings anyway so I thought that and just said its not my problem to keep someone from not feeling bad that's her problem and so I told her more , and she said-----** but I cant work or I would want to kill myself, and I wanted to say well if you believe that its true , change how you believe, but its not always easy I know that I deal with depression myself but drugs of any kind including Psyc drugs are still drugs, and how is it that that sort of DRUG is ok?  so with this 3 brain concept anyhow if she cant feel she will never be healed, and I TOLD HER THAT THE ONLY WAY YOUR GOING TO GET BETTER IS TO FEEL WHAT YOUR FEELING AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS AND YOU GOTA GO THROUGH THAT JUST GO THROUGH THAT AND ******that's kind of where it ended,  the bottom line ITS HARD TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE JACKED UP ON PSYC MEDS BECAUSE THEY DONT FEEL ANYTHING---- she said but how am I to function or something some how it got to where I said WELL ALL THE WORLD IS  A BIT * UP THE WAY IT IS AND ITS MAKING US ALL PRETTY CRAZY, THE WAY THINGS ARE IS IMPOSSIBLE VERY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ALL OF US*** 
stressing a bit because I'm 200 shy of mortgage **   RICHARD GAVE ME HUG, AND GIRLFRIEND VALARIAN GAVE ME SAGE SMUDGE, told her that the one she gave me years ago, don't see her much living in the north, so was very happy when she rounded up some more that were in storage and gave me two sticks, I can smudge my house, PURIFICATION OF SPACE FROM ALL THE NEGATIVES THAT HAVE COME AND GONE HERE, MEN, ENERGY, NEGATIVITY, hostility, my own and others, and even the ghost that lives here, though he is not harmful, he smokes a pipe and I smell it sometimes. 
I wanted to , write here the letter I need to write to doctor, but not sure I got the energy
seems when your CPTSD, get re-victimized a lot, and doctors office can be worst, I almost beat a doctor for grabbing me from behind, after I told him I need to talk to u in your office
YOU REALLY SHOULD TELL SOMEONE BEFORE YOU TOUCH THEIR BODY --- SO AS NOT TO STARTLE THE * OUT OF THEM... SOME OF US HAVE BEEN BEATEN,,,,, He explained he was near retirement, but appreciated the insight. ....
Dear DR * HOLE
ill just use that name but I just use writing to people that * me up when what they did seems to go round and round in my thoughts it seems to help get it off the tread mill of my head. . .
Dear Dr A hole;
I went to your office and was being seen for sleep apnea(had since child) and you don't really  help me, so it was really a waste of Obama care and my time and your's but I went back and saw you because my face was all infected and I was scared, and wanted to know if I was ok but you said oh just wait for the anibiotics to work a few more days, I said well its weird beause its seems to be working on my boobs are not so swollen , like maybe I had something fixed in them and you said oh we didn't examine your boobs last time you were here
I said "oh I don't have a bra on" what I ment was "like * I want you to touch me :/ and you said lay down, I did it but thought ---- I don't want to and then when I did you reach in my blouse and feel my boob I get frozen and you feel the other one, then I leave and I'm crying in your reception room and not sure why and then I cry and call friend and she says leave the office if that's where you were triggered go out, and I go out in the parking lot and cry and realize what happened,  I hate doctors office, many too many triggers there. . .
lesbian woman giving icky vaginal exam, even Lesbian women can be bad with boundaries. . . .Why don't people ask you, why don't they respect boundaries, even if people cant say them...... PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN TO RESPECT BOUNDARIES OF EVERYONE EVEN THOSE WHO CANT SAY WHAT THEY ARE. . .. . doctors poking me, giving me marginal care, and making fun of me in various ways and , last time dentist gal not cleaning some of my teeth
and when I tell her she cleans them but not very good and I think wow it sucks to be * up in child hood then * up more by people and then * up by doctors and cheated by dentists, and not have dental care,  and then I think Obama Care is not worth it. .
today I am here and feeling better yesterday was what I would call a down day.  in my own personal journaling I discover the reason for this , it was multifaceted, I was first of all not at my home but at a home of a friends who is concerned I am not eating enough, he having a rather large belie eats plenty and would not like me to get down to my ideal weight which is what I'm hoping for most of my audlt life, food has been an addiction especially sugar. In the various forms that it comes in, bread, pie, sweets, candies, potatoes, carbohydrates, I find will affect my brain,  and can only guess that there is a connection there between the trigger of the carbs and the melt down that ensues.
I just know one thing that drugs, if its alcohol or food and in this case for me carbs, I either binge and then go down into depression or visa versa ? not sure I will sort that one out?   but I think it all starts with fear. . fear I wont have food or fear of something and then being tired and lonely then I do stupid things. 

these days my down points come weather I want them to or not.  menopause knocking on my door, and the winter coming.  did I take my vit d3 this is critical and exercise, 

sometimes triggered by the smell of soap,  I was made to suck on zest soap as a form of punishment. so that and a mired of other triggers in life that I have not even identified, sometimes a man's colone  maybe I got off hugging a friend who had too much on his person?  not sure, this is really weird to write a journal in a forum, I have been writing a journal a personal journal for many years.

anyway I realized that one of my friends of about 20 years was a trigger, I got upset with the fact that she is always nuzzling into me like I am her mother.  and wants me to kiss her and its awkward because my abuser would beat me and then expect me to kiss her good night so I had to tell this friend to back away when I saw her I was on a walk and she just came right up to me.  additionally she is like using me as a convience friend, will you do this for me wi ll you do that for me will you , bla bla bla and so I decided since I wrecked my car and she had a car I would ask her to take me 18 miles to the library and I picked up this book before this supposed storm was to hit the north west.  called

I am so greatful for the internet, I call it the great equalizer,  I looked up therapists, but hung up when I was at the intake part I don't trust therapists and their doling out drugs, and shock treetments that's what they did to both my mother and my abused sister, not looking into why my sister was so disturbed (like being beaten most of  her childhood by a insane woman foster mother in the state of Oregon  , but just dope her up, I didn't recognize her and she was like a zombie. 
those that think medications , and zombing out people who have suffered are really sick in my opinion,  who does that?
give drugs to someone who's brain is all ready * up? 
what about healing ? what about love and compassion and helping people grow and cope and get beyond what is making their lives a living *.  why not listen when they do speak and go after the perpertrators, mine were still taking in foster children years after I reported abuse. 

wow so what I think I'm getting at is that professionals who are well intentioned or not, should really relax and let the suffer begin to trust themselves,  I am personally working on , Non violent communication, have been all my life working on myself, and healing myself, sober 10 years , black out drunk, so carbs sugar definitely affect my brain,  I was not breast fed but I'm guessing Caro syrup and pet milk was what my little brain got to grow on. 

 My friend of 20 years was at a phone and she is transient house sits, and since she was at this phone decided to call me every day
which was irritating , her squeaky irritating voice, and she calls me and informs me that the "sing along will be at the place she is house sitting, but would I come the following day in order to continue reading to her a story I was writing,,, * that is she heartless?  I can come the day after the sing along and read my work to her ,* that, made me really pissed I didn't realize what it was till the next day and I started writing it out.  also she said her sister who is native will be taking a so called "dignity" pill because she has some form of cancer,  "* dignity?" what the * is that *, really sent me off, when did it become ok to kill people? and its Dignified?  *
and she just smiles like everything is candy canes and roses,  why is it my friends, maybe because half of them are on psyc meds?
have like 2 faces, do they mimic my abuser?  where she could be like happy one minute and then be beating the * out of me the next? why do I attract these sorts of women into my life
yesterday I was digging up dalias from the garden and another such friend drove past, not stopping to visit but shouting out of her car
oh nice flowers Angelica,  . . . I just ignored her, like what the *, you only dump on me about your boyfriend leaving, 
and then have a smile and laughter when things are sad for you. 
in AA they say , if you spot it you got it, so I guess I must have this very same thing, I smile and behave pleasantly when I really want to say * off, well I watched this guy on utube talking about boundaries, and he freeking rocks because he made me think you know
you test people he says, and I love this when I find something new that cracks the egg shell a bit and helps me to get at the truth.

ill see if I can find him and post the link here.   <<< this might be the guy

friend being overly helpful
smell of colone on coat
smell of some kind of soap
watched a negative movie where wife , screwed someone and there was a murder involved and went to bed house lady didn't shut it off I had to listen to it
stuck someplace I didn't want to be (friend who wanted me to go to his house so he could feed me)
potential man in my life talking about his ideas about sex
fear of not having my mortgage
fear of not having much food
which led me to call my friend who eats too much and invite myself over to his place, knowing fully well that I would eat food I cant eat.
I didn't completely binge but I did eat sugar which takes me days to get off and my brain back to some kind of normal
over working on writing project, no exercise for a day or two

went to on line support group for compulsive eaters and got some support to get out of that house(she basically said you get self esteem by doing esteemed things) so I went to my friend and said , would you please take me home. 

it takes a lot for me to get triggered , its kind of my mo, which is not such a good thing in that I take a lot  then go crashing down
reached out for friends but got pretty much no support, prayed and tried to meditate,
I forget to meditate when overwhelmed but when I remember it calms me down
when I'm in that space, nothing can help me to look at the good things around me

man this sucks , ive written things a couple of times and it gets erased or doesn't post , crap ,  think I'm gona bail from this~!

love this guy
they don't want to * cope for the rest of their days they want to get better~! love that  he he
BROKE UP WITH POTENTIAL MATE  talked a lot of * to him and he said oh I don't want to meet you now. . . .
Surprise Surprise Surprise he he

Laughing when your dying in side he he that must be something crazy people do , ahum ahum ahum

wondering if there is a place in this forum to bring up the ideas of what our perpertrator did to us and what we prob became as an adult, having observed and default into this

what my perpetrator did
allowed me to be raped-- by her son and step dad
beat me and yelled things at me the same time
made me remove my hands from my posterior or face when being beaten
told me not to have my feelings not to show emotions , happy , sad, angry etc
made me eat soap
pulled me out of bed by my hair for infractions like not folding socks correctly
made me beat my siblings
made me a part of her scam to take in foster kids
made me work for no pay

I want to write these out because I want to look at what potentially I do to myself with out realizing it
so I'm pretty sure that there is a critic inside me and outside me ive been reading the inner and outer critic theory etc so many terminologies
When I over eat or starve myself, or purge, then I am hurting myself
when I self mutilate I continue what she did to me (somehow it makes me feel safe or I'm used to it its familiar)  the unfamiliar is nice things ( I found myself digging at a point in my arm on a car ride back with someone who talks at me and doesn't even really connect with me. .  I have no car so rely on others for a ride now and so to get groceries this one time I went with him but even now I'm trapped at his house, using his internet after over eating
I don't allow myself to succeed (you will never amount to anything) I had that statement beaten into me repeatedly
trying to stay focused
she took my sense of safety, I take my sense of safety
she took my sisters sanity, I took my sisters sanity?  no
She took my body and tortured it (I take my body and torture it) yes
She neglected me emotionally-- I neglect myself emotionally
I never wanted to become like her-- I became a lot like her
I'm digging at a scaly spot in my arm right now.  .
I want to  heal, I try so hard to heal, I read lots , everyone has something to help you heal
lots of it cost a * ton of money I don't have,
everyone wants to dope u up on psyc meds--I already dope myself up on food to the point I feel like I'm drunk. . . or adrenaline, unconsciously, or other means like reading bad news can jack up adrenaline 
I do so good for so long then blamo--- * hits the fan
seem to come back quicker from set backs
tired of set backs wish I was just healed-- wish I made a good living
wish I wasn't afraid of so much-- sure someone has a pill for this
I don't really have any friends-- because I tell people what I think or I don't say *
most of my friends, just poor people who hate me because I own my own house
tolerate me
friend got mad because I took advantage of getting some groceries when she asked me out to dinner,  town is 8 miles and we were just across from the grocery store, it takes me an hour to ride my bike to the grocery store and an hour back,  she seemed really angry that I used this opportunity, to also get groceries,  why do people hate so much?
why do people not want others to be successful?
why are people paranoid of all of us being successful
am I too sensitive and I was always told as a child. . . your too sensitive
you cry too much, stop crying , take your punishment, and stop crying about it
ill give you something to really cry about
what a wicked person, and she still had foster children even after I was an adult and reported her,
she prob still has foster children she tortures today
I just want to be normal---I walk around like I'm normal-- but even people in 12 step programs don't talk to me much,  I try to get a sponsor in AA . ..
I am angry at myself I didn't just run away--- I'm angry at myself that I was afraid of her and didn't protect my sister--- I am angry at myself that I was so scared of her and didn't run away. . . I'm angry at myself for putting up with so many peoples bull * toward me and I just smile--- I'm sick of having  2 faces and want to be me,  but where is this me? 

I'm like her in that she had 2 faces,  the wicked one who was beating me then could turn and answer the phone so pleasantly  "hello oh good morning, how are you?"  How could she do that *?  now all I got is the one who flips out when I feel threatened or think I'm going to loose something I thought I had. .. if I had it or not.  .. .
wow that's prob enough negativity for one night I better try and sleep now that I'm all jacked up on sugar and carbs. .. and feel like I'm gona vomit, if I don't sleep I will vomit.  * hope we can say * in our own journals
ok well I just wrote to the doctor but it didn't post here so I guess its gona ruminate some more till I write it out ,,,, maybe next time

« Last Edit: November 18, 2016, 05:53:35 AM by Angelica »