On the Edge of Hope's recovery from the world Journal

[On the edge of hope]

"Recovery from the world"?

Yes, I'm recovering from the world's violence and insanity. Complex PTSD is just a symptom of it.



No triggers


I'm On the edge of hope.
Let's see, briefly about me... I'm female, 36, was sexually abused by my "f." at 13... 
I'm a highly sensitive person, "empath" - if you believe in such a thing, INFP, and an Aquarius. Three things I love more than anything else - music (this is supposed to be my mission in life ), nature and animals, and love.

I feel pretty alone and depressed tonight. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff; between therapists and am not sure when I will find the perfect fit. I'd rather have a good fit than not.

I'm disappointed in myself, again. So much. I'm so embarrassed! In front of what little semi-casual friends I have (which are two people who live far away from me). My boyfriend of over one year, is my sole emotional support. We get along so, so well.
I miss having professional support, a team of people who watch over me. Now it's only a reserved and uninformed psychiatrist. My insurance is decent for someone who lives below the poverty line, but I have little faith that I'll be able to find the kind of competent, trauma-centered support I had for four years prior. That was an absolute miracle. So much good work was done in there, as far as the basics of trauma and how it has affected me. We did mostly CBT. It did not help me as much as forming a safe relationship with another person (my therapist), releasing myself from the blame of the sexual abuse, and starting to love and be gentle with myself. But for the last year I was with her, we were stuck and I just felt that it was time to move on; the seasons changed. She gave me a graduation ceremony, very special.

I've always been spiritual (not so much religious), and it is what has kept me palpating the cliff of darkness towards a pinprick of light. So far it's been right all along. And even though, since August of last year I've fully thrown myself into dysfunction, seclusion, and agoraphobia, I feel blessed to have access to kind places on the web. Mainly, one called BeyondMeds. I learned that all of these symptoms correspond with the symptoms of Shamanic Initiatory Illness, and have, for thousands of years. In other words - I need to submerge into the fire completely, in order to become the wounded healer I am called to be. I have felt myself get stronger. But...

But, as I was writing above, I'm embarrassed because I play online games to self-soothe. It's what kept me okay and feeling "safe" during the abuse and up to now. I recently gave up one game (I am pretty sure this time it's permanent), to fall into the trap of another - buying three months of premium subscription for a big discount. It's a place where I can have my own plot of land and make it a beautiful, safe space. I could also continue blogging about it, but this time make beer money from Google ads.

I'm relieved to see, though, that this time around there is a more sensible "part" of me that argues with the former part. She sees through the fluff and knows that since I've lost so many years to coping by gaming, I deserve to discover as much wonder and freedom in the real world, as possible. I know that this tug of war between them is part of the process of learning. Everything is actually as it should be. Universe in its divine wisdom has orchestrated everything to go at its own pace. I just wish I could explain this to my two friends, when I excitedly told them that they are welcome to come visit me online.

I need to be dysfunctional right now, to become stronger. I am very glad that I am blessed with this chance to step away from the world and observe it. Now, not only am I awakened and aware, but I'm out of the matrix, too. I look at everything through the eyes of emotional intelligence, and the world is thus, much much easier to understand and digest.

This is where I stop rambling for now.

[On the edge of hope]

6am... I need to write out this stream of consciousness.... Since paying for the game yesterday, (which I could have continued playing for $0, if I wanted to)
I have been feeling so guilty, so trapped. Like speeding down a highway with a big "Wrong way" sign on the side of it, begging for my attention.
The song "Time to say goodbye" is playing in my head.
I need to contact support and ask for a refund. Then completely delete my character and donate the in-game money to an in-game supportive place for survivors of bad stuff.

games have been feeling toxic to me for years. crippling, suffocating.

"You can't have one foot in one world and one in another," a strong part says with urgency. It wants me to dive fully into the world I live in.
Yesterday I read a moving Reddit on someone's firm resolve to get rid of all mindless entertainment, and focus on books as the sole form of the latter. I would love that. Just books. There are millions of them out there. Known, unknown.

I am scared though. But I've been getting ready. I now know that the yearning to get back is natural. It may come around again. But now I know that it does not need to have power over me. I can fight it. I have that choice.

But darn it, I wanted to blog about this virtual world. I've been on it, on and off, for 12 years. I wanted to use my penchant for observation to find places off the beaten path and share them.
But how many such places am I giving up in the real world?
addiction is serious. I can't have a casual relationship with games. it's dangerous for me to even try. I always succumb. it's sucking the life out of me. I just want to understand this dynamic that is happening inside of me. I wanted to read this one book by Gabor Mate, as soon as possible. Also The Body Keeps the Score, which I already have.
I don't need a virtual plot of land. I already have a safe space here. My roommate of over 1 year is nice. Her dog is nice. To me and my cats. My f. doesn't set foot here. he currently pays for my rent, yes. but... I'm missing the world....I miss it and it calls to me. It wants to know me, to discover me. The time for hiding in the shadows is over.

But... *an inner part is sobbing*....
I don't know what she wants!!!!!

[On the edge of hope]

I need to use my computer only for music,
only for good works,
only for education.

I want to join the ranks of winners, not losers. distraction is a handicap. no great mind of the world was ever distracted by video games.

oh god help

[On the edge of hope]

I feel lonely.

think I had an emotional flashback trigger last evening. I am a total mess today. it is the loneliest and most difficult thing to express. so much pain, disproportionate to what actually happened, which I have no effing clue what to do with, but to drown in movies.

is anyone even reading this?

[Whobuddy]

 

I am reading this. Sometimes drowning in movies is the best thing you can do for yourself. Self-soothing.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[Dutch Uncle]

is anyone even reading this?

Yes. I tend not to reply much to recovery journals.

to you, On the edge of hope. And you are not a looser. 

no great mind of the world was ever distracted by video games.

maybe because they weren't around? 

[On the edge of hope]

I deleted all games. I feel great relief. I can't go back and I won't. They drag me down, suffocate, trap me.

I'm so depressed, disoriented today - staying home in bed though I'm not physically ill. No energy to read or post. though it might just save me right now. no mental fortitude to even write a check for rent, go downstairs and give it to the landlord. always been able to do it. No desire to eat. Stomach grumbling the whole day, yet I pay no heed. where is help....and who will and can help me...? it's really important I fulfill my potential during the twenty or so years I have left on this planet.

Edited: Thank you Dutch Uncle and Whobuddy.

Edited2: I'm thinking that I get these emotional flashbacks, and the day following each one, is chaotic like this one? Could that be? Because last evening I felt loathing towards myself, which I haven't for a long time. And a couple of days prior to that a family friend who was staying with me, went back overseas. I fell into an immobilizing depression because I felt like I always feel when people leave. So this week I've had just a couple of hours of normality. Even then, I couldn't do anything productive. FML.

[On the edge of hope]

When I feel that horrible tugging loneliness, pleading me to go out and find someone to converse with, and when I've given into that, walking around and desiring company... it repels people from me. Then I feel so so so ashamed. Then I go home, isolate, and try to soothe myself, usually with my computer addiction.

Over time my psyche learned to avoid this horrible shame and disappointment by nulling that need, and burying it deep inside so it would not hurt me. I cut a part of myself off, and felt better at being alone. But it also shut something off. A feeling of cutting myself off from people, that was palpable to them. So even if they would have wanted to talk with me, I appeared very unapproachable perhaps. I walked within a glass bubble and it felt safe, though the isolation was now root deep.

Getting outside for the first time in maybe three days today, that bubble was quite strong. It frightened me like it sometimes does. I felt like I don't exist. The city felt terrifying. Why is everyone ignoring everyone else? Passing by as if each person was a ghost? Or maybe it's just my reality, and is a different reality for all these strangers? I feel a suffocating lump at the back of my throat, heavy as lead, threatening to break me into painful, lonely, shameful tears. I rush home, where I feel much better, and seek support and interaction online.

It's a cycle that is self-repeating. . .

(Rare is it, that I get a rush of lighter energy; something lifts and opens up; strangers smile and say hello. Usually after physical activity. Even that scares me, sometimes.)