Trying not to throw out friendships

[DistortedMirror]

First time posting.

I go through periods of time expecually when i am triggered of being all over the board. Depressed, anxious, hyper, crying, screaming in side. All that fun stuff..  i have been trying to do things different. I felt like my life was insane and my mind was sending me in circles. After loosing the closest and most supporting member of my family i lost it. I tryed reaching out to "friends" at that time and not one could even text me. And when my grandfather finally past they didn't text me eather. Felt so alone even though I have my wife and son. I took off my last semester of school and said i need to heal and get over stuff so i can succeed. So i cut "friends" out completely started doing more therapy, acupuncture, art, working out, OT, stuff that was suggested to me.. i feel like i came so far.

Well just the other day a friend who i recently because "friends" with i tryed reaching out to. I was going through 2 days of the above all Ive thee board but more so the anxiety, crying, depression changing so fast sec to sec.
This person has never seen me like this. And since it is the first "friend" in 10 months and since i started working on stuff i started going back. To my rollercoaster pushing away.. i tryed rewording things and setting boundary's but of course i would come back with something passive. I am trying so hard on having friends this one seemed so Natal but at the same time i have filtered my self because i am not trying to be so in your face through up now lets see if you stay around or if i can push you away before i can feel like i can rel on you. (If that makes any seance) i am trying so hard to accept and get past and not hold the it all my flat role. Granted my trauma lasted more then half my life and i used so much to get silence. And now i am 5 years off substances i can finally start going more in to it.. i just keep thoroughgoing friends out the window and who know what there thing is how busy they are. But i feel like i am not important and that i will go out of my way for people and others dint even give a poop about any one but them self.. but then again that could be just what my mind is telling me. I am sick of feeling so alone that no one understands me. I am sick of being lost.

Sorry if the ramble doesn't make since my mind has been going at a million miles an hour the past few days.. 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, DistortedMirror! We're glad you're here.

Unfortunately what you describe is all too common. It's even got a name - "secondary wounding".  We get lots of input from our friends, their version of "help", when sometimes all we want is someone who will listen. They feel uncomfortable and feel they have to say something, but that's about their needs and their inner pain they aren't showing or dealing with, and has nothing to do with us.

I'm sorry to hear about the pain and isolation you're going through, and I hope you will find comfort here among people who've been there and understand. This forum has been a huge comfort to me, a place where I don't feel so misunderstood and ostracized. I hope you have the same experience in your stay with us!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS DistortedMirror 

Glad you found your way here.  As Three Roses suggested, there are many people here who do get it and won't turn away when you talk about all the stuff going on inside because they are dealing with it too unfortunately. 

Friendships IRL, especially new ones may not be able to withstand hearing about the internal chaos we feel. I think it can be scary and leave those who don't understand the disorder feeling a bit lost as to how to help.  We all need that human closeness to be sure, but trust and a sense of comfort with one another don't happen overnight in friendships.

You do have OOTS to talk about symptoms now. Are you still working with a therapist?  And can you talk to your wife about what you're feeling? 

[DistortedMirror]

Thank you both!
I appriciate it so much!

Yes i have a trauma therapist i work with closely too.

I have shared a bit with my wife. But ya it is so hard to at times because i feel like i need to be strong. And i feel like i may show weakness. I whis i could feel and know deep down that i am not weak and sharing and crying isnt weakness. That if i was weak i would not be hear today. I would not have been able to withhold all the years of trauma. But it is one thing to know it and amother thing to truly feel it and beleave it..

[Kizzie]

That's great that you have a trauma T and can come here to talk now    Perhaps you will feel more comfortable and not appearing weak to your wife as you recover.  Most of us have learned to keep silent so it can take a bit of time and practice speaking up