When you begin to stop dissociating..

[Twinkletoes]

Hi everyone, happy Monday...

So, what happens when after lots of therapy, you stop dissociating?

I am just wondering because last week, I was hit by what felt like a tsunami of emotion - after 2 years of therapy, it totally floored me, I don't think its quite over yet, but much better than it was. I couldn't cope at all, it was horrible.

I am wondering, is this because I am beginning to stop dissociating a bit? Does this mean there is lots more of this to come? or are the things totally unrelated?
x

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... a good question. It does seem to make sense that you would feel things more intensely if you stop dissociating, or at least reduce the time spent dissociated.

If that's what your "guts" are saying, it's probably true.

[Hazy111]

So if you start to stop dissociating , you start to feel more. Which brings more issues. But youre more alive as a person. That makes sense to me

[woodsgnome]

This reminds me of the conundrum of achieving one step, but moving carefully into the new territory; lest one falls back again. I had a recent dissociation event myself, but my therapist pointed out #1) experiencing dissociation needn't be considered wrong or bad, only as a natural defensive reaction to trauma; and that 2)I can consider what happened and perhaps find another angle (which I did, via her help).

So I guess it's also one of those damned if you do/don't paradoxes. Tricky area to navigate, but your post shows a willing curiosity about it, not a supercharged panic mode that bids you to turn back entirely. After all, this is new; other strong emotions might flow in, but maybe they'll even be good ones for where you need to be.

As you indicate, there may be further dissociation or other hazards ahead, but at least you know you were able to handle it this time, strange as it seemed. Having done that, it may help you reach a level of confidence that indicates it's safe to proceed; but wise to do so with caution, aware of encountering raw feelings but more confident about yourself, too.   

[ukulelebadly]

I could have written your post. I feel like everything is happening inside me, all at the same time, all the time, and I can't stop it. No wonder I dissociated! This is effing awful. There probably is more, and that thought is terrifying. I feel desperate, don't want to go to work, can't focus. I keep defaulting to fantasy, but my fantasies all involve being at my therapy appointment. How long will this last? I'm in agony, and I think I'm wearing my loved ones out.

[Twinkletoes]

I could have written your post. I feel like everything is happening inside me, all at the same time, all the time, and I can't stop it. No wonder I dissociated! This is effing awful. There probably is more, and that thought is terrifying. I feel desperate, don't want to go to work, can't focus. I keep defaulting to fantasy, but my fantasies all involve being at my therapy appointment. How long will this last? I'm in agony, and I think I'm wearing my loved ones out.

ukulelebadly - I totally understand your post. Last week that is EXACTLY how I felt. I couldn't go to work, I didn't want to leave the house, basically I couldn't be my adult functioning self at all. I also am preoccupied by my next therapy session and I also worry I am wearing my partner out.  I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I hope it helps you a tiny bit that I am too so you know it is "normal" to an extent and that you are not alone?

[ukulelebadly]

Twinkletoes, thank you. It is good to know that I'm not alone. Parts of me wants to believe that I'm uniquely tormented (the parts that were never seen or affirmed, and are silently screaming to be noticed), but it is comforting to hear that someone else gets it, and isn't confused by my description. My husband is wonderful, but he really can't relate, and my circle of friends is very small right now.

[Patcat]

I have found that when the dissociation started to decrease, I would become overwhelmed with emotions. It was rough then and now. its like bumping into invisible furniture.

[papillon]

I went through this too.

It absolutely knocked me out of commission when I first started dealing with everything in therapy. I asked my therapist if this is what I had to look forward to now (basically, is it always going to hurt so much and cause my life to come to a screeching halt?). To paraphrase, she said yes, if you stay engaged in the world (not dissociating, denying, etc.) that things are going to effect you.

But here's the most important part of what she said: "it's never as bad as the first time". I was having all the trauma memories come flooding in and assigning them proper context for the first time (naming them as abuse/neglect/manipulation/etc.). That gave me hope.  Now when hard things come up or happen in the present I notice that it doesn't rock my world as badly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I know what you're going through is hard, it really sucks. You're not alone. And if you stay committed to not living in dissociation then it CAN get better.

Dissociation can be our friend, we just can't live there. It's a defense mechanism for a reason! I'm sure it's kept me from ending my life in the past when I felt I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. For instance, descending into a Netflix binge gave me some time to catch my breath and slowly pick apart a situation with my npd mom without having to deal with it 24/7. We just can't stay there or it stops serving us and starts running our lives!!

[Kizzie]

My experience has been like Papillon's.  The first time I saw and felt clearly in therapy how abandoned I had been as a child, it was the most painful and frightening feeling and I thought I could not bear it. But I can look at it in my mind's eye and feel how my child felt and not get lost in it now. It's like it has become part of me, a very difficult, sad part to be sure but one I can face finally.

[Fightsong]

I feel like now I am recognizing that I zone out  - and I guess I know its how I've got by -  I'm feeling more - and its quite roller-coastery, literally like a child at times, blow ups and  blow outs and hopelessness and helplessness and all that. And I too feat that I'm wearing out my family.  I can't hold on any longer to feelings I've been so adept at  burying for all these years. And know what?  I don't  know how to handle them at all.  Like a child. Why is that? Life was more 'stable' before therapy when it was all contained.

[Three Roses]

"More stable" doesn't necessarily mean "happy", tho. Our feelings are meant to be felt; suppressing them inevitably only makes us sick.

[Helen]

I will hang onto those words, Three Roses, because this is where I am at, too. I know dissociation (for me... derealization sounds like what I experience) is something to let go of when there is no real threat, but my body feels threatened and the inner parts are in turmoil. The inner parts, (usually only one... a sad confused little girl) a masculine critic child and the sad little girl were fighting. Well, more like she was cowering at his(?)  harsh words, forcing something the sad child did not want to do. I cant seem to make the derealization happen or not happen... it just does, or doesn't, and it didn't, and I had to cancel my weekend plans because of this. Not able to push through and keep going like in the past. 

Any way, thanks... very enlightening topic.