Should I become a therapist?

[LucyHenry]

I just applied to grad school to become a therapist, and I'm not sure I'm making the right choice. I wonder If I'll be good at it, and I wonder if it could make my struggles with CPTSD worse.
I don't remember life without CPTSD because of abuse from such a young age. I personally have yet to find a therapist to work with long term, mostly because I don't have insurance. Maybe I want to become what I want to see in the world, but am I too damaged to do that.

[mourningdove]

Tough question. If it's something that you feel called to do, I would say to keep on investigating it. I'd be scared to death of somehow shifting the weight of my own problems onto clients. I've had flaky therapists do that to me and it's very damaging.

[radical]

This might sound harsh, but I'm going to say an emphatic no.

What I have needed most in my relationship with my therapist is stability, maturity, having worked on her own issues and 'walking the talk', secure boundaries, and the ability to provide a  safe, holding environment in which I can experience the range of my own feelings without fearing for how it will affect her or our relationship.   All the knowledge, training, experience,  and personal qualities in the world don't make up for the dangers inherent in working with someone who has not overcome most of their own woundedness.

Therapists don't have to be perfect, and no-one is, but having been harmed in therapy in the past, I feel strongly about this. 

[ukulelebadly]

I'm in agreement with Radical. I too value the stability and unflappable character of my therapist. He is mature and able to hold my pain in a way that makes me feel safe and accepted, even when I'm terrified, even when I accuse him of not caring, even when I beg him to tell me what to think and feel. He is not afraid. He does not get scared off from my pain or my process or my less attractive parts. He knows the way out of this dark cavern that I've fallen into, because he's been through it before. And, he's not simply leading me by the hand, he's keeping me safe while I discover the way. He's not in a hurry, because he knows he is safe. I need that, desperately. I can't be stuck down here with someone who's just as scared and lost as me.

Grad school is fertile ground for personal growth, but it is also a minefield, full of opportunities and motivations to mask, dissociate through work, and seek to fill the void with affirmations or disapprovals or false intimacies. And talk about fueling the inner critic! Most therapists come to the profession because of their own history of pain, and many have at least 1 PD parent (there is research on this). You would not be alone in pursuing the profession, and you may be uniquely gifted for the work. BUT, therapists who have not done their own work, inside and out, are dangerous to their patients/clients. They don't know what they don't know.

Everything in good time

[Dee]

Unfortunately I also agree with the no.  I have said that I am glad that my therapist is stable, grounded, and healthy enough to help me.  Perhaps work on yourself and you can always do it at a later date if you still feel the desire.  I am not saying this is you, but I think one of the worst reasons to become a therapist is for someone to try to fix themselves and I believe that happens too often.

[movementforthebetter]

I am in the no camp for you as well, at least, not now, not for years. I think this might almost be a stage in healing that many of us go through.

I reached a point where I thought "if I'm doing so much learning about these disorders anyway, I should just become a therapist. I could do it. I could help people." And yeah, I probably could. But a few months on and I realize this was a form of transference of the affection and appreciation I have for my T. Maybe if I get and keep myself together for 5 years or so I could reconsider and then stay stable through school... But I am not healthy currently and can't be a rock for anyone since I can't be one for myself.

Does this sound like your sitution at all? A lot of people start with healing themselves and get distracted by the "calling". Plenty of unintended consequences in not being totally stable and becoming a therapist.

If you still love the field after school, perhaps research or something related but less intimately involved would be suitable.

[ukulelebadly]

LucyHenry, you asked a vulnerable question. How are you doing with all this feedback?

[mourningdove]

I think this might almost be a stage in healing that many of us go through.

I think that it was for me - very much like you described, movementforthebetter.

[LucyHenry]

I've had a lot of questions on my career path. I'm a writer, but the freelance work I have now isn't anywhere near enough financially and there is no human interaction. I'm really dissociated from my talents and interests. After lots of setbacks, no possible career path excites me. I'm not upset at the idea of not becoming a counselor. I don't currently have one so no role models.
There's that horrible inner critic that tells me I'm incapable, and I try so hard to be positive. No therapy or medication ever touched it (and I tried different ones off and on for many years). For me, there is no "what did you want to be before the trauma" because I was a toddler pre-trauma. Everything I've ever wanted to be was about fixing things for someone else (wow that's a new insight).
I've tried personality tests and can maybe try another career test, but I don't know anything.

[radical]

lucyHenry,
This really isn't about you as a person.  I'm sure you have many wonderful personal qualities, and talents.  For the most part, in many situations, you'd probably be fine as a therapist, but you selected one of the few careers in which having serious, unresolved trauma problems of your own would be be a disadvantage and potential danger, in some situations.

Lot's of practising therapists are in your situation, it is not uncommon at all, but I wish it was.   If you were to tell the people who were choosing candidates what you've written here, they would not choose you and if they did, it wouldn't be a course you would want to be on. 
I'm are in the same boat as you.  It's not a judgement of you.

I'm sorry I put it so harshly, it's because I've been damaged by therapy.

[papillon]

I don't know you at all, and haven't read any of your other posts so can't even offer an  'educated' guess, so I certainly can't answer this question for you.

An unstable therapist is in the position to do a lot of damage to their patients. That said, I believe you can choose to focus on treating things that are largely not trauma-related.

I do think that your experiences can be an asset to you, potentially making you more empathetic and observant. My therapist was abused as a child. I do believe that her background has helped our work together. But she did her own work before she went back to school to be a therapist. Now she's as steady as they come.

If you have a lot of unresolved issues, maybe now isn't the time... If you have the desire to help others, maybe look for a career that allows you to do that without going as 'deep' as therapists do. A starter career that can let you get your feet wet in a helping profession, and pursue therapy later in life if you still feel the call?

[LucyHenry]

I'm already plenty later in life (not that age is anything but a number). What hurts so much is that the trauma will never really be resolved enough. Kind of like AA says an alcoholic is always in recovery. I wouldn't consider myself unstable, other than being underemployed (I work as paid writer as I can get freelance work) and lacking in social opportunities (because I don't have coworkers).

In my last job working with developmentally disabled people in a group home, I was only seriously triggered once, but that was an assault that wouldn't be tolerated in almost any other job. A client grabbed my breast. What bothered me was that assault from clients was treated as normal (I though the abuse I suffered in early childhood was normal). So I would rule out working with those who could get physical. Perhaps that rules out too much. I tried to line up another job before I resigned, but it didn't work.

Personality wise I am well suited for creative pursuits, but I haven't felt like crafting or writing fiction in a while. And a creative living is not an easy one financially. If I had an established social life, it wouldn't be so bad, but I end up not seeing anyone beyond the grocery store for weeks at a time. I'm not in a big city so writers groups aren't very active.

[radical]

I really feel for you.  I do volunteer work, but below my level of ability.  I used to be a professional and know about the difference being treated with respect makes to how i feel about myself.    The world becomes open rather than closed.  And the money makes a difference too.

In one of my volunteer roles I produce a radio show.  I operate the board while lots of interesting people are interviewed.  They assume I'm a professional, and the way they behave towards me is so different to the way I'm treated in my everyday life, it is a weekly boost and at the same time, a sad reminder of the effects of marginalisation.

The social isolation of cPTSD is disabling in itself, and it is profoundly reinforced by community attitudes.  I can't describe how much I dread people asking "what do you do?".  I don't feel I can be honest about myself and the reality of my life.  I don't feel I can hold my head up in my community.

It has been suggested that I take on"care work".  It is paid below minimum wage when travel is included, and workers are treated disgracefully.  It is physically and psychologically demanding, and the pay and conditions mean that virtually anyone enquiring will get a job, no questions asked, which is dangerous for the vulnerable people who depend on these workers.

When I was a student I worked with intellectually disabled people in the holidays.  I think it is a reflection of the lack of respect for both the clients and the staff that the kinds of behaviour you describe were treated as irrelevant.  Neither appear to be considered to be worth more, clients or staff.  (The situation is a recipe for abuse, but that's another story).

There are professions within psychology that don't involve trauma work. Your abilities, empathy and life experience would be a real asset.

I wish I knew what the solution was to the problem of isolation that seems to go hand in glove with this condition.  I'd love to hear from others who have found solutions because it is so damaging. 

[ukulelebadly]

Everything I've ever wanted to be was about fixing things for someone else (wow that's a new insight).

You may have hit the nail on the head there. People with PD parents learn to mirror or die. We learn empathy as a survival skill. We often seek relationships wherein our own emotions don't matter, so that we aren't required to feel them (survival defense), and wherein we are habitually mirroring and affirming the emotions of another (making us feel "safe"). These are defenses which can be transformed into gifts, but it sounds like you are still struggling to identify and express your own needs, desires, and wishes. I'm with you there.

[woodsgnome]

 Have you thought of altering the goal to where you'd still be contributing creatively but not so intensely involved right now (although that could happen later if it seemed an appropriate route to consider)? My response comes to mind in reaction to your self-description, where you said: "I'm a writer, but the freelance work I have now isn't anywhere near enough financially and there is no human interaction." And later you added: "I work as paid writer as I can get freelance work"...

I'm no expert on the job market for the mental health field, but maybe there's a practicing therapist looking for writing help or assistance with editing or other tasks? Maybe they need someone with writing experience to design a new brochure or something similar--book, thesis, magazine article, etc.? Perhaps they'd be open to hiring someone with those tasks, or developing sort of an internship arrangement with the grad school.

This could point the way towards joining your creative talents to a therapist's needs for an assistant with writing ability. I know, it sounds far-fetched, maybe even a little crazy, but exploring the possibility might provide further insight into what being a full-fledged therapist involves. And/or you might even find another option you hadn't thought of, one that still fit your goal of helping people and draws on your creative writing skils as well.