Life Before...

[FindingPeace4]

I have a situation where my husband's mother and sister have what we believe, along with our therapist and psychiatrist is a combination of NPD and BPD. We have had NC with them for the past around 3 years. We even moved away suddenly with our two young children, because of the constant harassment. My husband works long hours and most of the time I was left at home with my two young children feeling trapped, vulnerable, scared. I would run to my car, getting my kids in as fast as possible. Sometimes at the end of our long driveway, my husband's mother would stand waiting and then yell as we pulled away. She would walk by our house constantly. Making it known that she was there. Constant phone calls. Screaming/cursing messages. Crying/sobbing messages to follow. Constant e-mails. Constant letters on the door or in mailbox. Constant presents left at the door. We tried to get help from the police, but living in a small town, everyone knew everyone and didn't think it was a big deal. I felt helpless. It was terrifyingly creepy and made me a complete hermit. All of my shopping was done 40 minutes out of town to avoid confrontation. I even took my son to a preschool 45 minutes away, so that she could not find him. Not to mention she blabbed all over the town the sob story of she didn't understand why we wouldn't speak to them. We lived in a small town. Mostly EVERYONE was somehow related. All of my husband's friends believe her stories and the rest of the family, who has confirmed that they feel something is WAY off, choose to ignore us and avoid any kind of involvement.
After we moved, everything was going well. The stress in our lives had become nonexistent with regards to his family. Then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I take Klonopin and Zoloft. It took some time, but I started feeling better. Recently, I have been experiencing those same feelings I used to have when I was trapped in the house. I can't put my finger on what it is that made this anxiety return so strongly. There was an incident yesterday where my phone rang with "unknown caller" and it paralyzed me and consumed me the entire day, but I was already feeling anxious before that call. It just enhanced it. No message was left, but it still bothers me.
Up to this point, we don't believe they know where we live and we are in a secured access building, so I shouldn't be so anxious. I wish I could shake this awful feeling, but I just can't. It stays with me. We've been here for 7 months and most of the time I have been feeling good. I want to be a good wife, mom, daughter, etc., but I feel like this is taking over me again. I wasted so much time focusing on this that I have missed out on so many things with my kids. I was technically there, existing in the moment, but my mind was elsewhere for so long. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to miss anymore of my life or my family.

Please...any suggestions on how to shake this. I'm desperate not to fall back. 
 

[Rain]

First ...a ...a friendly hug, not a trapping one.

Second ...breathe

Third ...be glad you found the CPTSD support forum ...you went through layer upon layer of trapped, trauma ...so, CPTSD ...although that is merely my opinion!!   If the posts here resonate with you, then stay and feel supported.

Fourth ...I am so sorry you went through this FindingPeace4.

Please check out www.pete-walker.com for free articles on emotional flashbacks, and other articles you are drawn to.   You may or may not have childhood trauma, if so ...then his book is outstanding.

You are not alone.   Share what is happening, as that is also healing for you.   Obviously change details a bit as this is the internet.

Take care, and there is hope.   You are having a very normal reaction of trauma to a very abnormal situation.

Hang in there.   

Grace, Peace and Healing in your Journey.

[FindingPeace4]

WOW! Thank you so much. I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I will check out all that you have suggested. I am a member on Out of the Fog as well and they recommended here to discuss PTSD or CPTSD. As for my husband, he, according to our therapist, is one of the "lucky" ones with regards to his dealing with his family. He recognized there was a bigger issue than he already thought with his mother and sister. He saw how it was effecting us and put an end to it immediately... not without my pushing of course. During counseling, in the beginning, it was hard for him and I have watched him go through stages of sadness, denial, anger and now acceptance. It is something that we work on together and will for the rest of our lives. Oddly, I have a harder time than he does and it is something he grew up with. Our children are 3 and 5 and they have never met our 3 year old and only saw our 5 year old up until  around 2 and it was very limited. The kids do know they exist, but we explained to them that they don't make good choices, so we don't see them.

I thank you again for taking the time to write back. This whole experience (online forums) has been so therapeutic. In a big way, it has helped me get my life back. I just want to continue that way.

[FindingPeace4]

Thank you both. Just knowing that I am not alone is very comforting. Very, very comforting.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi FindingPeace! I'm sorry that you had to go through all this. My husband grew up with someone who we also think has to be either NPD or BPD or any or all of the above, and the short time I was in touch with that person - seriously, I'd rather have the zombie apocalypse, it would somehow be less scary. The gaslighting alone is extremely bizarre. Seems to be a common thing in such people, that they carefully measure out their abuse so they'll still look good to outsiders and to themselves. To this day, when I think of that person, a part of me wants to reach for garlic and holy water. If I'd had to live in the same small town with that person for years and years, I'd have reacted much as you did.

A book that's made a real difference for my husband and myself is this: Marie-France Hirigoyen, Stalking the Soul. She uncovers how widespread emotional abuse is and how it "works". What we liked about the book is, Hirigoyen is VERY clear about the destructiveness of emotional abuse, and she points out in detail how abusers purposely go about it so they end up looking okay to outsiders. In the French original, she calls emotional abuse something along the lines of "psychological violence". From what you wrote, that sounds like the right term for what your mother-in-law did to you.

About why you're suddenly feeling so bad again - do you think it could be because you're safe? Our psyche often pushes our pain away while we still have to deal with problems. Then, as soon as we're safe enough to deal with it, up it pops again. It happened to me a few times, and each time it felt highly alarming. Was it about to happen again? Why was I going to pieces - I was fine now, why couldn't I feel fine? Was I irrevocably damaged? Seeing all this as simply old pain that now comes up so you can deal with it - well, it doesn't make it any more pleasant, but it makes the whole experience less unsettling. At the end of the day, it's simply our mind being sensible, isn't it? Stuff has to be dealt with sooner or later, and apparently our subconscious wants to wait until we're in a reasonably safe place. Sounds like excellent common sense.

You could be having emotional flashbacks. If you happen to visit Pete Walker's website (the one Rain recommended), there are several free texts on what they are, what causes them, how they "work", and how to deal with them. There is hope! Things progress slowly, and grieving past abuse is uncomfortable, hard work, but there are things one can do.

[FindingPeace4]

Schrödinger's cat - Thank you so much for your response. I've learned so much about how emotional abuse has effected my husband and myself greatly. It is a blessing and a curse. It has opened my eyes to how important it is to take care of not only your body, but your mind. I've studied Yoga in the past and am restudying and really learning the connection of mind, body and spirit. I have suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life and am just learning this now. I covered it very well, being the only member of the family that was always willing to help and go out of my way to do things for others. I realize that it was my coping strategy for dealing with the anxiety and depression. When things slowed down, I melted down. Exactly what you are saying is more than likely happening again. This whole experience with my husband and his family has just made it more evident of how our mind, body and spirit are connected. Ignoring one part just can't happen. I hope I can teach my children that and that more doctors recognize this connection.
In my experience, emotional abuse is sometimes not taken very seriously by outsiders. That, at times, was making me doubt my own instincts. I'm learning to trust my instincts and know that emotional abuse is real. And it can and has effected my life and my husband's life. This forum and out of the fog, makes me feel connected to people that understand that this is something that is real. And something that should be taken a lot more seriously. It needs to be talked about more. It needs to be understood more by every human being.
I am going to look into the book you have suggested. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me.

[Splendor in the Grass]

My mother was emotionally abusive, and insidiously so; therefore, everyone thought she was wonderful. That is how bullies function and why teachers so rarely catch school bullies in action. They are very good at getting away with their abuse. As an adult I deal with my son's chronic illness which causes frequent and severe traumatic experiences for the entire family. During the crisis I am on autopilot, and it's necessary for me to set aside emotion so I can competently take care of my son and family. Some time after each crisis has ended I fall apart. My body and mind has kindly postponed my authentic reaction to the trauma, carrying me through, allowing me to take care of business. When everyone is relatively safe once more I experience the panic attacks, crying jags, upset stomach, exhaustion and so much more. Perhaps that also explains your delayed reaction. I'm so sorry for your pain. I sympathize completely with your fear and the fact that you really have been traumatized. When there's no broken leg or bruise, no physical proof, it's hard to convince people that abuse has taken place and that makes our shame and loneliness so much worse. But you are not alone. I believe you and I care.

[FindingPeace4]

Splendor in the Grass
I have been going back and forth a million times on how to respond to such a powerful response. No words seem strong enough to express what it means to hear those three words "I believe you". So many times I have reached out to people that I have known and I know love me and I them, but they never seem to truly "believe" how completely paralyzing this has been. They will say things like "that stinks" or "mention how hard this must be for my husband". Of course, I am aware that this has taken a toll on him greatly and I am a very compassionate and supportive wife. At least I do everything in my power to be. I read about how to support him. I read all I can about PDs and growing up with family members that have and/or are effected by them. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist and although he doesn't feel the need to anymore, I did insist on him attending with me when we decided no contact. I wanted to make sure we were making the right decision and it wasn't just me being overdramatic.
It seems silly sometimes when I read what others have gone through that have been so much more difficult and it makes me think about the little boy my husband was and in some ways still is and how hard it must have been to live with that. I have a great set of parents. I have a great family. However, this is real. I feel it. Physically, mentally and even spiritually. Just saying THIS IS REAL is what I have needed. I need to stop apologizing. This is real.
Thank you for your kind words and support. I could never put into words how much it means to me.

Your explanation, the "autopilot" to essentially get what needs to be done, done and "postponed" reaction are exactly what I would say, if I had thought of the right vocabulary to describe it myself.

I send all my well wishes and thoughts to you and your family. I hope you find peace somehow in all that you are dealing with. I hope to have many more conversations with you and others on this forum.

Thank you.     

[FindingPeace4]

Schrodiner's cat
Thanks so much for the book recommendations. I just received Stalking the Soul a day ago and I've finished it, unable to put it down. What a book.

Thanks Again!

FindingPeace4