Hello. New here and looking for validation *trigger warning*

[Hardtolove13]

Hey all.

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD by my psychologist.

Anyway I've always struggled with whether or not what I experienced as an adolescent was sexual abuse or not. I find myself feeling guilty over being bothered by it because it seems so mild compared to what others have gone through.... here's the short version of it and thanks for listening.

I was 11 or 12 (I don't remember exactly) he was my mom's best friend's son...2.5 years older than me. Their family had just moved to our hometown from the city where my mom and said best friend grew up together.

We would visit them every weekend....my folks left him and I alone in his bedroom while they socialized and had adult time.

I can't remember how it initially started but somewhere along the line he had me exposing myself, showed me pornographic images and begged me to touch and masturbate him all while promising me that if I did what he asked, he would be my boyfriend. (I was a hideous beast back then and no boys would even look twice at me) so I did what he asked.

At one terrifying point, he manipulated me into letting him partially penetrate me. That was the only instance I found my voice enough to make him stop....for fear of pregnancy...and after that, it all stopped.

He left me feeling used and abandoned.

But I never asked for help

I never made him stop

I was so confused.

I still am.

I see him all the time because he is like a cousin to me. 2 years ago (I am 25 now) I thought I would confront him about it...he agreed to talk and asked to meet up. he later texted me and asked to hookup with me. I was so betrayed and angry.

Sorry if I broke any rules in this post It's my first time. I really think this website is great and am so happy to have found it.

Any input would be so greatly appreciated.

[radical]

I'm so glad you found your way here, Hardtolove. 

What happened to you was abuse, you were unable to stop something terrible happening to you.  You were just a child. I know I was paralysed by sexual abuse as an adult, unable to say no or do anything, and felt bad about myself until I understood that "freezing" is a normal response to overwhelming experiences.  I'm glad you have a psychologist and are beginning to work through it.

You were betrayed by someone you should have been able to trust, in a place you should have been safe, your will and wishes disregarded, and you didn't deserve any of it.  You deserved to be treated with respect and kindness, to be protected and reassured, not used like a thing, and made to feel even worse about yourself.  What happened is not your responsibility, and  and nor is the fact that you were unable to assert your boundaries and dignity, or control the situation. 

I'm so sorry you have to keep encountering the person who abused you.  It is rare for people who are abused to get any acknowledgement from an abuser and his response was highly abusive in itself.  I hope there is a way that you can keep away from his presence, and also of news of him from others in your family.

It's so common here for us to feel that our experiences were not 'bad enough' or to feel that others have suffered so much more, and to feel that there is something wrong with us, to have been so affected - we could get t-shirts printed

I hope you find this community as safe and welcoming as I have. I look forward to hearing more from you. Be kind to yourself

[Hardtolove13]

Wow to am totally floored by your response radical...thank you so much. Thank you thank you thank you is all I can say. I've waited over 10 years to hear everything that you just said. It means so much more coming from a fellow survuvor.

What a beautiful person you are.

[Riverlad]

Hi Hardtolove13,
Really happy you found OOTS and welcome. As radical said many of us initially minimize or struggle to comprehend the importance and degree of the abuse we suffered. It's not something that we really can compare nor do we need to. How it effected/effects us individually is exactly how it has effected us and that's what we work to change. Feeling used, abused and abandoned and a whole lot of other, at times, confusing feelings and emotions is typical of CPTSD.
I really benefit from the posts here and I sincerely hope you will also. Glad you're here.

[Hardtolove13]

Thank you very much for the response riverlad. It is so comforting to know that there are others out there who understand what I've been feeling since a very young age. I'm happy to be here and thank you guys for having me

[Dee]

Every person's experience is significant.  There is no such thing as insignificant sexual abuse.  It happened, it hurts, and it counts.  Also your feelings are significant as well.  Yes, it was abuse.

When I first was diagnosed with PTSD I compared myself to combat soldiers who were the ones who really experienced life threatening situations.  I thought they deserved more resources than I did.  My therapist explained this isn't a comparison thing.  You simply cannot compare yourself to others, it is different for everyone and everyone is unique.  When people allocate resources they look at each individual case and don't compare one to another.

[sanmagic7]

so happy you made it here.

i echo everyone's comments.  it wasn't your fault, it was abuse, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you were taken advantage of, and it doesn't matter if he is 'like a cousin'.  i also hope you can stay away from him - his response to you was way out of line and another betrayal.  you don't need excuses, either.  as was said before, abuse is abuse, we all feel it in our own ways, and there are no comparisons, no one is more or less deserving of help, support, or resources.    welcome.

[Hardtolove13]

Thank you Dee and Sanmagic7 I already feel so welcomed and accepted here. You all are very kind and I look forward to helping others on this board as much as I can

[RoseOfSharon]

Welcome, from another newbie. Yes, very, very definitely sexual abuse. To now ask you to get together with him is an extension of that original abuse - and I can understand your need for validation.
Take care.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, RoseOfSharon! Thanks for joining!

[Hardtolove13]

Thank you RoseOfSharon. I really appreciate your input.

Welcome ❤

[SM]

Hey I'm super new here and I understand how difficult it can be to confront your abuser. I was sexually abused as a child for several years by an older cousin who was living in our home. it's a very confusing and difficult situation because when there is a relationship there (and by that I mean they have been a part of your life for so long) it feels like you are the "bad guy" if you want to break ties and never speak to them again. It's like the shrapnel that hits you; the aftermath. I recently divulged to my family that it really triggers me and makes me feel so unheard and small when this particular cousin comes up in candid conversation at family dinner time. They speak about him as though nothing happened and he is just a fun-loving member of the family. Thankfully he lives on the opposite end of the world for me, but the feeling of betrayal at my family's seeming indifference is heartbreaking and makes the already damaged and low self-esteem I have shatter more. Please know that you are well within you right and reason to say no to ever having to see this person again. I understand that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven, but this person hurt you... deeply, so please do not feel obligated to engage with them. By all means, tell them what they did and how it affected you, but you owe him nothing. He owes you something he can never return. You are brave and you are lovely and no one should ever make you feel otherwise.

[sanmagic7]

that's really a shame that your family is so indifferent to not only what you went through but how hurtful it might be to talk about that cousin in front of you.  i wish you didn't have to go through that, wish they would grow some compassion wings to shield you from instead of exposing you to such pain. 

i totally agree with everything you said - when something is done to you, it's not your blame nor your shame.   i'm just really glad that cousin is out of your realm of being now.  i wish your family would 'get it'.  wishing you the best.  and, welcome, glad you're here.

[Dee]

SM,

Welcome, you belong here. 

It is so so hard when family is involved.  They just don't seem to know how to handle it (or won't).  They tend to want to pretend it never happened.  In fact, I am told "it never happened, forget about it."  If only...  I'm just glad that he is so far away from you.

[Wife#2]

Welcome to all three of our new posters! Would that you had no reason to find us, but since you do have reasons, we're glad you found us.

@hardtolove - that was sexual abuse and manipulation. He is an abuser. With his callous remark when you wanted to talk to him, he proved that he has no remorse - he only wanted to take his abuse to the next level. He has revealed who he is. Believe him. Even if you can't or don't want to confront the mothers about this - and you have a right, you deserve no shame in revealing the identity of an abuser - you have no reason to be near this person ever again. Even if you want to forgive him - forgiving does NOT include putting yourself into a situation where he has any opportunity to hurt you again. He doesn't even have to be told for the forgiveness to occur. Welcome! You are not alone. We are GLAD you are here to share with us.

@riverlad - you seem to have some really good insight! I'm glad to see that and to know you are here with us. Welcome! I look forward to hearing more from you - what and when you are ready to share.

@SM - Reading your post revealed to me that you have a very kind, compassionate heart! We will do all in our power to support you and help you protect that true nature of yours. It must have taken incredible courage to reveal to your family in the first place. I honor your ongoing self-care and courage to remind them that this person did damage and continues to do so if they keep discussing him so casually. Welcome! We appreciate those who can roar for themselves (warrior survivor) and for others!

Each of you are precious to us - we welcome you and want to encourage you to join in. Each of you has a unique story and a unique perspective. The community here at Out of the Storm is better for your finding us!