Choosing Relationships Wisely

[BeHea1thy]

I've spent my life choosing most of my relationships unwisely. I include ALL my 'romantic' choices and most of my friend choices. And lastly, of course, we can't choose our family, but we can choose how to relate to them, or not.

In my search to find out why I've done these things and made these choices, I've discovered many sign-posts along the way. The first one, at age 32, was to learn I was an 'adult child of an alcoholic.' Before that time, I had no idea that my Father was and alcoholic and even what being an adult child meant! At age 34, I entered an outpatient drug rehab program, and learned about my own behavior and how it inevitably brought drama, self-sabotage and constant betrayal into my life.

After 2 marriages and a 30 year toxic relationship, I've made the occasional 'other' choices.  However they all point to someone who has a 'fatal' character flaw, someone who was grieving for another person, had a terminal illness or just not capable of responding in a reciprocal way. With the help of my therapist, I've made some progress in looking at the way I handle my relationships, mostly ending them. Until I can choose more wisely, the one's I have chosen reflect needs which are not altogether healthy.

The main issue which comes up, over and over again is abandonment. And surprise, surprise, but there's a site devoted to this topic! Appropriately, it's called Abandonment.net. Here is an article called Wanting the Unavailable. It's a great summary of the reasons why we are attracted to the unavailable and what we can do about it.

Here is part of her cause attribution:

Another cause lies buried in your early relationship with your parents.  Maybe you felt rejected or dismissed, or struggled to win their approval or recognition.  Now as an adult you're easily "hooked" when someone pushes these old insecurity buttons.  Another cause is low self-esteem:  You wouldn't want anyone who would want you.  You can only value them if you are in the one-down position. But this makes you more easily dismissed, hence abandoned (again). You may stay in the drama of pursuing hard-to-get lovers in order to distract yourself from an old wound.

Sound familiar?    This is the link: http://www.abandonment.net/articles/wanting-the-unavailable

[schrödinger's cat]

Sounds familiar, yes. Man, sometimes I wish my life had a rewind button. Thanks for the link, BeHea1thy.

[keepfighting]

Good article, BH!

#4: Recognize that these patterns don't just go away because you've become aware of them.  You have to change behavior.  Open yourself to new truths, new values, new experiences, and new people.  Do new things, new ways.

It's such a shame that becoming aware of the patterns of your own behavior (particularly in attracting toxic people) isn't enough to make it stop! We'd all be done with it and have moved on by now if that were the case... 

[Kizzie]

Engulfment is when someone starts to want you back and the walls close in on you.  You become overwhelmed by their expectations and fear you'll have to abandon yourself completely!

This quote really explains alot about my Social Anxiety with others; that is, so much of my anxiety about others and avoidance of them is about my fear of losing myself.  My F was an alcoholic and my M and B both have Narcissistic Personalty Disorder so amidst all their neediness I would often find myself disappearing     Hunh.

Tks for this thread BH!

[lostinspace]

*The more I make mistakes the more I realize there is a problem! I've never been married, but, have had 5 engagements, 2 of them to the same woman. The cycle goes on and on. so awareness isn't the answer. Changing our behaviour is. Recently I've made some new friends. Friends who are not so needy but enjoy someone's company. It is easier to spot my true needs vs my abandonment needs. I am happier today but still not out of the woods. People care about me and I let them today. That's quite a switch from my old behavior. Thank you for the link behea1thy.

[marycontrary]

I can relate with all of ya'll.

I have said before at another place that I felt detached from relationships. The thing is, was that I didn't realize that I had detached, and I was looking at this rationally, and it alarmed me. I am an empath, so this lack of feeling compassion is a little alarming.

I mean, I have good friends. But now I am detached. I mean, you never really know when someone is going to die or disappear. That could be your last goodbye. I treat it as such. I am trying new relationships with firm boundaries, I am giving it my best, but I do find it exhausting to try to lay down the attachment pathways in my brain in the first place. 

So yes, I am doing it, that is getting better relationships, but I can't say that I am attaching very well (hardware failure on my end).

[Rain]

Hi marycontrary ...I love the irony of your first line.

"I can RELATE with all of ya'll" ...well, there you go.   Relate ...as in relationship.

That SURELY laid down ONE good neural pathway for you.  Attachment.   

You are starting a "relationship" with all of us here.


No hardware failures ...just Hope.

[marycontrary]

Rain, I just saw your response. You do a lot of good work here. Thanks so much.

[Rain]

  to you, marycontrary.   One Step is a Success to be Celebrated.   You have so very much to share, to give and so much to receive in return here at OOTS.   A Second Step is always as possible as the First One.   That makes the start of a Journey.

Onward, marycontrary!   I'm glad you are here!!

And, thank you for your kind words, that means a lot to me!  A nice connection indeed with you reaching out to me with that.  We are all pieces of the puzzle of the Solution.    Have Hope.

[confident]

I feel like this thread captured so much about unhealthy relationship patterns from my own adolescence and early adulthood. Seriously a miracle that I ended up with a DH who actually DOES like me and love me. I do think he's crazy most days; I often push back when he tries to take care of me.

E.g., I'm sick today and had to watch our DS all day while he was working, so he came home, made dinner, put kiddo to bed, then asked me what I needed and I got angry, kind of. Facetiously angry. "What do I need?? You have done nothing but bend over backwards to take care of me since you walked in the door. Thank you. Now go take care of yourself, I'm a big girl."

He's such a laugh though, because he gets this half smile/smirk on his face and says, "confident, I love taking care of you." And then he got me a drink and meds.

It's so normal and healthy that I think it scares me some days. Normal doesn't feel normal. I expected chaos and abandonment for a long time, and perhaps almost had myself convinced I picked the wrong guy because our relationship was so stable and predictable.

And that, I think, speaks to what a lifetime of conditioning from a narcissist can do to you.

Expect to be neglected.
Expect to be criticized.
Expect to be on your toes waiting to find out if you're still loved and accepted.

[Badmemories]

Confident:

having a good relationship goes a long ways in getting well! You are so blessed!

Keep on Keeping on!

[anosognosia]

Do you ever find people who do NOT play into the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle terribly under-stimulating or boring?

I am having that problem.... everytime I meet someone nice I tend to get uninterested as there is no familiarity.