Help. Life is Agony.

[karlmarx1987]

I am in agony.

My current diagnosis is Bipolar I Mixed Episode, Moderate. I have had the diagnosis for over a year now. I live in a constant agitated depression.

My therapist says I have complex PTSD from serious and compounded childhood trauma. I also have PTSD from my past two years experience suffering a severe mental illness, overcoming extreme alcoholism, and enduring being unemployable while living with my Borderline Mother and Codependent Father.

When I was young, there was some intimate abuse. I don't talk about it. I can't discuss it with my doctors because state law requires it to be reported. There is no statute of limitations. I cannot handle going forward and it would also render me homeless and destitute. I was mild to possibly moderate in nature compared to other stories I've heard.

I had a bad case of what they now call Developmental Coordination Disorder. I couldn't hold a pencil properly, dress properly, I had substantial motor delay. I saw an occupational type therapist at school until the second grade. I couldn't play sports at all and had no athletic ability. My doctors lately have suggested it may have been the result of surviving a severe infant encephalitis (brain infection). I don't know.

My neighborhood had over ten boys my age. They were all stronger and far more athletic than me. I was gifted academically. They weren't. I was also Jewish. They weren't. I did want to fit in and had bullying friends.

One bully really didn't like me. He challenged me to fights. He knocked me out each time. The last two were videotaped by my best friend at the time. That last fight, in the eleventh grade, lost me all my friends. I never went to one high school dance, had one high school girlfriend (and still have never had one), had no social life at all, and yes I even skipped prom. I was very angry. But I decided to start getting good grades. I wanted to grow up to be a politician - I was an enterprising Young Republican. That didn't end well either.

School was *. My parents and others encouraged me to join the wrestling team in 10th grade to regain my pride. I was awful. The coaches abused me. I became anorexic for a short time. I then became a binge drinker. I was scared to death constantly. I had an accident where I fell and broke both my wrists, bruised my tailbone. It was awful and I got picked on for that too.

Life at home was no better really. Mom was always hot and cold - one minute she lavished me with gifts, the next she said I secretly wanted her dead, the next she said she wished she never been born, and finally we would go out for ice cream. My parents stopped having sex right after I was conceived. I was told this. My Dad suffered childhood abuse himself. His has used me as a therapist for decades now. Mom used to scream so loud the neighbors would hear. I was guilt tripped about the most petty stuff.

And then I went to college. I drank more than anybody else. I did have some friends though. I've lost them all by now. I used to think of those days as the 'glory days' but they weren't. I was in pain then too.

I've never had any kind of relationship. I've never dated. I've never had sex either. I am 29 years old.

Most of my twenties were wasted time. I shuffled through some jobs. I lived in and out of my parents house. Every job I had was some kind of factory type work and far below my education and ability set. I had no confidence to try to improve myself. I drank alot. I smoked a lot of weed too. I still had some good friends at times. They are all gone now. I am totally alone. Mixed Bipolar will do that. My extended family ran away too.

Two years ago I was working a State Government contractual job and well, totally lost it. I became a total insomniac. I was a raging alcoholic too which makes it far worse. My arms would violently twitch. I got burning mouth syndrome. I lost most of my mental faculties. I thought I was having strokes. The neurologist dismissed me of course as a nut job. Over time I couldn't stand still, I would constantly walk the neighborhood and mumble to myself. I thought I was going to die at any day due to lack of sleep.

I became desperate for any sense of well-being or pleasure. My parents enabled my eating junk food - I gained 70 pounds in three months. I would take ten showers a day just to feel hot water on my body. It is hard to re-imagine the total fear state my brain was in. If I wasn't walking the neighborhood, I would scream at myself in the mirror for giving myself wet brain. I thought I had wet brain. I was totally psychotic.

I desperately wanted to go to the hospital. My Mom said she would disown me if I did. She said it was a personal problem to be dealt with at home. I was finally allowed to quit my job. I kept calling in sick so it was inevitable anyway. I couldn't drive, couldn't read well, had to have all forms done by my parents, everything was * and all was lost. I called a few people I thought I had wronged a plead with them to help me. None did. My extended family pretended I was just being eccentric. It was awful. I was afraid of being in such pain on the streets. Without a firearm, and having seriously overdosed on drugs without even a sedative effect, I knew I was stuck being alive until luckily I might pass. I constantly blamed myself for my profound misfortune. I was so lonely too. It was total *.

After four months of eventually ended up in a daily fetal position, I saw my psychiatrist for the first time. He said that if he could cure me by slamming a car door on my hand, that I would readily do it. I totally agreed. I even said he could saw it off. I meant it.

Some doctors think I might actually have MS or something like it. Would not be surprised.

We first tried Olanzapine. I finally slept but no other effect. Abilify. Nothing. Latuda - even worse. Seroquel. Some progress. I now take 1000mg Seroquel, 1mg Rexulti, 20mg Viibryd, and Nuvigil to be awake sometimes. I still feel pain with all that medication. Its amazing.

I've developed other health problems. I have super high blood pressure. My liver is somewhat damaged. I am at high risk of diabetes. I suffer from serious back pain. My legs are hard to move, they are heavy, walking is sometimes difficult. I'm constantly fatigued. I take a total of nine medications. I have far more symptoms.

I'm dying a slow death right now. My parents have improved some. Life at home is a bit more bearable. I haven't worked in two years. I'm in a lot of debt. I weight 300 pounds. I have no friends. I feel like I should just consider my life to be over. People say I should exercise, eat right, and that I should be proud I did indeed get my brain back. Everybody says I'm so damn smart. So what? I'm a total loser.

What would you do? Thank you.

[Whobuddy]

You are a survivor! You are stronger than you think to have made it through all that. You are a very good writer. I am glad you survived and found this forum. I am hoping your current therapist is a good one. Welcome to OOTS.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Glad to have you with us. 

You are a survivor. The things you've been thru, someone else might not have survived. You are not a loser! That's just comparing your insides to others' outsides, as the saying goes. You have worth, and I hope you really begin to feel it.

We share our stories here with each other, and get comfort from the validation we receive in return. I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

hey, karlmarx1987, so glad you're here,  you made it when a lot of others haven't.  being a survivor is no small accomplishment.  congrats to you on that.

i hope you will continue sharing.  i've found so much support and help here from kind, caring, generous people.

you posted on this forum.  that's a step.  it sounds like you've made a start by getting a psychiatrist.  that's a step.  you're on meds, looking for the combination that will help stabilize you and relieve some of your pain.  that's another step.  you're beginning to sleep a little more and better.  another step. 

all these steps add up.  what do you want your next step to be?  maybe just doing more of what you've begun is a good step for you.  recovery from all this traumatization takes time and patience, especially with yourself.  you've been through so much.  we're here for you - you're not alone.  welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Karl     Finding your way here is a big step in recovery so kudos, despite everything you have endured and are enduring now the survivor in you found a community to talk to that really does understand.   

I hope you keep on posting, it can really help 

[Wife#2]

KM, wow. That you have survived at all is a testament to your strength.

This site, this safe haven where so many have found their voice at last, is a great place to begin, or supplement your healing.

There are no words to describe what you've been through. Nobody should be subjected to that. It breaks my heart for you that your story is true. Yet, you've survived. You've found your way here. For that, for your bravery in sharing what you are able with us, we are glad.

Please return to us soon. Whether to read others' posts, check out the tools or to share more with us as you feel able, we will be glad to see you.

Try to hang in there one more day. Just one more. Then another.

I don't know where you call home, but with that diagnosis, is disability an option for you? Because, if it is, disability and social services COULD be a way to provide your own living and possibly get out of your parent's home. I know you say they're being better than before, but how much easier would it be to begin healing if you were in your own place? It may be worth looking into.

Peace to you. You are welcome here.

[karlmarx1987]

Thank you for all the kind words. I never thought of myself as a 'survivor.' Actually, I've been coming down hard on myself for just surviving, and not doing more. Not working, I feel lazy. Not socializing or trying to make friends, I feel lonely. Looking at my body I feel obese and weak.

My therapist says that I am being too hard on myself. Technically she is right. But by being hard on myself I how I have plugged through so many years.

I learned in High School that the best way to not be insulted by bullies is to insult yourself first. Learn every weakness you have and grow comfortable with them. Then, when they insult me, with a straight face I could just say...So, I already knew that. It gave them no extra ammunition. A few people were worried I would retaliate in my final years of High School, I didn't. I just avoided everybody as much as possible. I'm back at doing that. I avoid the world.

I fantasize of leaving this place, this hemisphere, and going somewhere far away to start over. That won't happen. Its my only dream lately.

I sometimes wish for a woman I could be close to, make me feel good about things, and provide me comfort. That won't happen either.

*, I sometimes wish for a job that paid enough for me to move out. That might happen.

Its survival of the strongest out there. I'm weak. Life has made me weak.

This week I will try to quit smoking and start getting my health in order. I'm in very rough shape. I have to see the GP this week, not looking forward to it. Have to discuss my weight, my heart issues, my liver issues, and what I need to take or do to fix it. Ugh.

This will allow me to keep taking it one day at a time. Once I feel a bit better, I make get some luck for a change. Maybe somebody will go to bat for me and let me have a job. Who knows. It would be stupid to call a quits after going through so much. I won't quit like that. But I have very low expectations.

[sanmagic7]

surviving is a truly big deal.  many people haven't.  you have kept putting one foot in front of the other which takes a lot of strength, determination, and courage.  i'm with your therapist.   don't sell yourself short.  the high school bullies aren't around anymore, but we are now.  you are cared about and accepted here for just who you are.  and none of us knows what the future holds.  one step, then another.

[radical]

Hi KarlMarx,
Welcome.

I agree with what others have said.

You asked what to do.  I relate to a lot of what you have said.  The world is brutal and vicious, and the pain is by no means evenly spread.  And the world is beautiful, full of love and compassion, sharing and kindness.

I suggest you get a book and write whatever kind things to yourself that you know are true, things like: I have survived the worst pain, but I'm still standing.  I'm courageous.  I'm still reaching for  love and light.  I'm smart and wise. 
I'm guessing it will be hard for you.  It sounds like you've spent a lifetime training to withstand abuse in that cold hard, world.  What I'm suggesting is you start training for happiness in small manageable steps.

Use your will  and your mind for yourself, not against yourself, to believe you are worthy of love and kindness right now, not when you are lighter or healthier, or any other comparative measure, to stop attacking yourself (without attacking yourself for attacking yourself).

I know all this is so much easier said than done.  Any kind thing you know is true - say it to you.  build on it, on what you can say.  If you want to exercise, start with maybe walking short distances but do it for you, not to be good enough, but to honour being worth health right now, and congratulate yourself when you do.

Is there anything you feel drawn to out there? - animals, gardens, the ocean, caring for the planet, history, restoring old vehicles, helping out at a hospice...  anything you can think of.   Look into volunteering for a small amount of time, maybe a one off, maybe you can commit to a regular slot if it goes okay.

The other thing is meditation.  Most communities have free meditation courses available.  It isn't easy at first to pay close attention and repeatedly bring your attention back to your breath or mantra or whatever, but if you stick with it, the benefits can be immense, in settling, quieting your mind, concentrating and accepting what is, right now.  I found the first stirrings of peace and happiness in my life through meditation and mindfulness.

Anyways, these are things that have helped me.  You deserve to be happy.  Please stop beating yourself up.

I look forward to seeing you around here.

[Whobuddy]

Quitting smoking and getting your health in order are 2 humongous goals! An excellent place to start. I began what I call my bodywork in order to heal about 3 years ago. It is something I can do even when other things seem too hard. With me, it was yoga and running. Some day I hope to get brave enough to begin massage therapy but that will not be happening soon.

I remember times in years past, when my only motivation to continue on in this world was to see if things might get better. They did sometimes and didn't at other times. Life is a mix.

If you are comfortable with this forum it is a great place to write about your experiences and receive validation and encouragement. 

[Three Roses]

Yes, you could start your very own recovery journal if you want.

[witchwomb]

I definitely wouldn't say you're a loser, look at how much you've already overcome! I know that when you look at everything that's been piled on your plate, it can be overwhelming and exhausting and make you feel weak. Reaching out for help and understanding is a wonderful first step.

[Placebo]

Hi! I am still recovering and I guess I always will be but I have come off of half of my meds and lost one hundred pounds. I got the he'll out of dodge basically. I also quit drinking booze and pop. I got a therapist I liked, right now am having a cbt based trauma treatment. I just decided I was done being everyone's doormat and directed some of the energy I used to put into hating myself into improving myself. Different things work for everyone. My bipolar is tricky to handle with the C ptsd and I have found I simply cannot have any drug or stimulant not prescribed. Not even processed sugar. This seems to keep me on a level. I hope you keep posting. I like the way you write and don't care how much you weigh. On forum nobody can see you anyway!

[prairiewind]

Welcome to the forum. You are a good writer. Have you found any relief from journaling, and a safe place to keep it?