New and nervous

[greg8570]

Hello.
I'm a 46 yo male that has just recently been diagnosed w cPTSD.  I started to talk w someone a few months ago.  We have done a few emdr sessions and I've had mixed emotions from this- my wife says after the emdr sessions I'm very restless and fidgety  for the next few nights...I know I do have more bad dreams after the sesssion so I'm sure that's what it is...but as many of you, I usually only sleep a few hours (barely) and then I'm wide awake not being able to get back to sleep. 
so you can understand, I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was around 10 ( he was 18) for what seemed to be a few years.  I try so hard to remember a time frame but sometimes with the year range-funny I can't remember years but other things are as clear as day to me 😞.
I've keep this a secret my whole life.  After losing both of our parts within 2 years of each other I figured for some reason that I could put this behind me and move forward.. that didn't happen.  My thoughts and memories kept flooding my head more and more until I confided in my wife and we decided that I needed to go and speak w someone about this.
I'd love to talk w someone who understands some of the things I've mentioned but there is just so much more I need help with.
I'm scared, afraid and most of all hurt that I lost my childhood-as my dr says " my pause button we pushed once this happened and instantly became an adult"

[sanmagic7]

hey, greg,

welcome, and so glad you made it here.

i don't know about you, and it took me a while, but under all that sadness and hurt, i found plenty of anger about losing too many aspects of my childhood as well. 

i am also an emdr therapist, and the dreams aren't unusual.  your brain is working at a subconscious level to desensitize and reprocess the traumatization and memories of your past.  did your therapist suggest that you keep a journal?  often, journaling about what's going on between appts. can help your therapist have a better overview of what's happening from one session to the next.  it might also help you for clarification or insight.

if you think the processing is going too fast for you, you can also bring that up with your therapist.  we all need to process this stuff at our own pace, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.  any information about where you're at or how you're feeling with all this is important for your therapist to know in order to arrange your therapy to suit you and your particular needs.  it will also help make your therapeutic experience more efficient.

and, yep, i also have sleep problems.  it's the pits. 

thanks for sharing.  really glad you made it here.  we're with you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Greg     Spotty memories are quite common with CPTSD, when trauma is involved we often learn to go away (dissociate) so it would make sense that there are hazy times and clear memories for you.

The memories are there though and they continue to affect us, just not consciously until we bring them to the surface and work through them as you are beginning to do.  It's not like they go away, but they become better integrated into our psyche and we can then use more of our resources to look at what happened  angrily and sadly, and then compassionately and more objectively as the adults we are now. 

Not an easy journey but tougher still to try and live with the trauma stored deep inside.  It can really help to have therapy, family support, and a community where  members get what you write about.  And we do.   

[prairiewind]

Welcome greg. In my experience I'm jittery and hypervigilant when in therapy. It is painful and grieving for those truths to come out, but a relief also.