anticipating rejection/criticism

[cosmo79]

Is this an issue for other people, too? It hampers me when I'm working, and then, after I've submitted my work. It's very easy for me to imagine potential criticism and I pretty much exist in a "pre-failure" state while awaiting a response.

When I was in high school, I participated in my first debate competition and was sure my score was low to move me on the the next stage. My father agreed that was probably the case, and came to pick me up. The next day, I found out I'd actually been in fourth place. 

Thanks for reading!

[cosmo79]

P.S. I am currently fear-hiccuping, having submitted some creative work to an agent who wanted to see it. Even though I don't know this person, his judgement of it is now very, very important to me. Ugh.

[Wife#2]

Cosmo -

I've done this in the past. Now, for my very non-creative math-based job, I have checklists. If I've done everything on my checklist, I'm ok. If I make a mistake, I own it and fix it.

I also have to watch my reaction if/when the answer is good! I can be so relieved and overwhelmed that I go too far in thanking and ingratiating myself. That does draw some odd looks. Fortunately, I think my current boss understands somewhat. She has seen me go into full panic over a simple error. She has seen me go into what some call brown-nose mode upon a compliment.

I found a good career for myself given these tendencies. I don't know that I'd be as calm as I am now in any other field. Yet, still, I find myself holding my breath just submitting an email (happened just before reading your post!). The answer came back positive and I nearly gushed my thanks back. This person I emailed isn't someone I know well, so I hope she isn't too freaked out by the gush. Hopefully, she'll just put it down to being Friday afternoon.

So, for all my talk of things being better, I still anticipate negative responses. And still am floored with relief if the response is positive at all. And yet, I am better than I used to be. At least now, I don't act on the premise that it will be negative and make things worse before even GETTING the response!

How long do you think you'll have to wait to get your response from the agent? Isn't it positive that the agent asked for your submittal? I don't see this as a function of your knowing this person. I see it as an understandable worry over sending your creative 'baby' for someone else to judge. It's a review of your work, but it feels like a review of you as a person.  I sincerely hope that you get a positive answer, and soon! I wish I could be more help!

[Three Roses]

I totally relate to this! I'm always surprised when I get compliments or any other positive remark. I'm getting better, slowly.

[sanmagic7]

ditto on this.  i even fear rejection/criticism at times when posting here! 

[cosmo79]

Thank you, Wife #2, Three Roses, and sanmagic. Wife #2, I very much relate with feeling over-grateful when people respond positively to my work. In fact, that's probably a major reason that I married my now ex-husband (a deadbeat who told me I was talented...but then stopped.) Thanks for you kind wishes, too. I guess what I meant about not knowing him was that I don't know how qualified he is to judge my work (or me), but I've mentally robed him some sort of Ultimate Decider cape. (If that makes any sense.) 

Three Roses, thanks, and I think I'm getting slowly better, too. At least, I hope so. The anticipation and relief roller-coaster seems a bit less steep than it once was.

Sanmagic, I worry before posting here, too -- I think a lot of us do. Also, before discussing my problems with my friends: Do I seem self-pitying? Self-indulgent? Selfish? Does any insult from my FOO lobbed at me apply? The internal answer is usually "probably."

[Dee]

I think this is self-esteem issues, a common issue with CPTSD.  I had a successful career, always worrying about someone finding out that I really am not that good, a fraud in my own job.  To compensate I way overworked and perfectionism became a major issue for me; so much so my health greatly suffered.  Now, I cannot work in a healthy way.  Also, people tell me all the time I am pretty.  My thoughts always are, if they think I am pretty they should see my sister, she is the one who is really pretty.

So back to self-esteem, mine is basically rock bottom.  This is independent of others, that I need to work on.  I can't look to other people to make me feel good.  I don't know about others, but I feel I am not going to have self-esteem until I can confront my overwhelming guilt and shame.

[sanmagic7]

cosmo, as far as i'm concerned, no insult applies, EVER!   your true self/voice would never be insulting, but only accepting, loving, caring, and looking out for your own best interests.  anything less is coming from someone with their own agenda, a way to put you down to get something they want.  that includes any inner critic voices - anything critical is never coming from your own true self, but from someone else in your past.

we were born loving ourselves, knowing what we needed to both survive and thrive, and making those needs known to the world.  it was others who told us we 'shouldn't' think, be, or say a certain way.  because their voices were louder and stronger than ours, we finally succumbed and believed them instead of our own.  we had no choice.  they had our survival in their hands.

dee, we were put into situations that we didn't belong in, made to do things we didn't want to do because they went against the voice of our true self.  yet, we stayed there, we did what we were told, because we didn't have the power not to.  and so shame and guilt began covering us, and we began taking the blame off the backs of our perpetrators, oftentimes because we depended on them for survival.  of course our self-esteem suffered.  it had no choice but to go into hiding.

this is a devious situation we find ourselves in, with ruthless and cunning people who have had power of one kind or another over us.  i now understand how courage works, how it feels, and how courageous each and every one of us is to have come this far, to be asking these questions and seeking answers.  it's courageous because at the end of each of these roads is change.  something has to change for us to keep moving forward.

so, all i can say is i hope you keep moving forward, no matter what form that takes.  speaking our truth may be uncomfortable for others to hear, but that's their problem.  self-indulgent, self-ish, self-pity - if we don't engage in those every so often, how will we know our true self, give our true self what it needs?  we are warriors all.

[woodsgnome]

Dee's sentiments per self-esteem and its debilitating effects closely echo my experience. I also was fairly successful in my career (improv acting), but all the while I felt like I was walking on eggshells despite outside assurances that I was performing at an impressive quality level.

Mind you, some anxiety while acting can even be a good thing. Except inside I was always this scared little one who wasn't able to accept my own self. The interior view didn't match the exterior; or if it did it was clouded over and I didn't see what others did.

This relapse effect happened again just yesterday, when I conducted a meeting with some folks to try and put together a future project. Things went very well--terrific feedback and optimism was expressed; but now more than 24 hours later I'm still as hyper as I was before we met. Like Dee, I know the overwhelm and all its pals (perfectionism high on the list). I know a lot of what/how to deal with all this anxiety. Still it's those old observations about 'walking the talk' and 'connecting the dots' that seem impossible to overcome.

Try again looms as the best but reluctant option--always the someday scenario. Frustrating  .

[cosmo79]

Many thanks for your thoughtful replies, Dee, sanmagic, and woodsgnome!

Yes, Dee, it is certainly very low and unstable self-esteem. When I first heard from the agent, who had complementary things to say about my previous work, I had a sense of, "Oh, so, maybe I am good at this," and some possibly healthy anger at people in my FOO and elsewhere who'd put me down. That faded quickly, though, and there seems to be more of an impetus to put myself back in "my place" of perpetual failure. I tried to do more work today, and then thought about how I was working too slowly, and would never finish, and so much else needs to be done, etc.... I'll try again tomorrow.  Sorry you're having similar struggles, and for what it's worth, you sound like a strong person who's on her way to confronting the guilt and shame.

Thank you, sanmagic, for the wise words explaining how we got here. It's so easy to feel weak in this state -- thank you, especially, for saying we have courage.

Woodsgnome, I've been there, too -- getting good feedback and still feeling out-of-wack! Sometimes, for me, it's because the feedback was positive, but not superlative, which seems to equal failure in some part of me that is still trying to reach my FOO's ever-rising and bizarrely evolving standards.  And it takes so long to "walk the talk" -- maybe a lifetime, filled with relapses.

Thank you all again. It's so helpful to feel connected and understood. I hope I can someday do the same for you.