forms of bullying

[AncientSoul]

Another post by me, the journey continues. I've spoken of my sister and her NPD and Malignant actions. She is back to her hoovering techniques, as it often happens this time of the year. And she doesn't respect my no contact with her, though it has now been six years. It doesn't help that she lives across the road from me in the house she conned her way into. Her living so close is a big problem for me. I try to deal with it as best as I can, but I find I just stay out of site of my sister. That does not work for me, but it saves me from stress.

I have noticed that when I go outside to that side of the property, my sister suddenly "appears". I get dirty looks, and other gestures. I turn around and go back into my house. The emails and phone messages still happen from her. I ignore them. But whenever I go to that side of the property, it is amazing how my sister "suddenly appears". Years ago I would try to talk to her, and that was no good. I would be blamed for everything, told how terrible I am, and it always ends with my sister yelling at me "You killed Mom!"  My mother actually was injured because of my sister's actions. I wasn't there to protect my mother at the time. My mother's injuries eventually led to her rapid decline, and I was with my mother nearly that whole time afterwards helping her. All at the cost of my health and my own well being. I'd help my mother again, I miss her.

I was outside yesterday, going to pickup my garbage can after the pickup for it happened. I choose a time to avoid my sister, I was careful and walked through my orchard to go get the can. Then my sister was standing there staring at me from her porch. I noticed that she now had an open view from that house looking directly up to my place. Sadly, my head nearly exploded and I turned around and went back to my house. I can't explain the feeling, but that's what I did. Doctor's told me to avoid my sister for my own health, yet I feel like a coward in these feelings. In the past, after being berated by my sister, and I've stood my ground, my sister threatens me with law suits. When my mother was alive, my mother would stand up and say, "Just try it, you're crazy" to my sister. Then my Mom would add, "You're the one that should be in jail." My Mom was a sparkplug and well loved. Though my sister would call my mother, "The Evil Witch".

I'm trying to find a solution, and its getting better. But this seems like more bullying by my sister in regard to myself. I look for escape when seeing my sister, and if I engage her, I am threatened with a lawsuit by her. She and her kids take everything that's not tied down, and I've been told to my face that everything I have, that I have worked for and paid for, is her children's legacy. I have no kids or exes of my own.  It is amazing how the sight of my sister cascades into these debilitating feelings within me.

AncientSoul

[sanmagic7]

i get a sense of those feelings just seeing the name of my ex.  i don't know what it would be like to see him in person.  i don't see anything cowardly in avoiding a bully, just self-preservation. 

[alliematt]

I can only imagine the feelings you must be dealing with. :-( 

[deptofhearts]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, and having her moved so close to you - that sounds like something a stalker would do... could you possibly move away for your own sake?
I hope you have some good support in the way of a good friend or two. You deserve some solid support and tlc and am glad you are here.
X

[Butterfly]

To me it sounds like stalking - a form of bullying. That can be stressful. While I was completely enmeshed with uPDm and enF they would suddenly just show up places they knew I'd be running errands or drive by my house. It boggled my mind that even after spending all day shopping and having lunch out they'd still stalk me. Insatiable.

It's not cowardice, you're protecting yourself and i see what you're doing as taking great courage! It might help to read up on stalking a bit. So sorry you don't have peace in your own home. Is there a way to plant evergreens or some trees to block view more? Cover windows with some pretty privacy film?

[Kizzie]

   A big fence!   

It's about not triggering every time you see her which isn't a choice given you live so close and it sounds like she is determined to stalk you.  My H and I moved across the country so we wouldn't have to run into my FOO and fend off their stalking/enmeshing behaviours. I don't see myself as cowardly, just doing the best thing for myself knowing I would be focused on avoiding them rather than living my life.

[AncientSoul]

Thank you all for reading this and listening. Also for giving suggestions. I never considered a possibility of stalking, because my brother and sister always did this to me since I was a child. There was nothing I could do when growing up to feel like I had privacy. That included using the bathroom. I only got privacy when my brother and sister moved out. My parents were pretty darned cool. But they both worked and didn't realize the extent of my siblings behavior towards me until years later. My brother graduated from high school when I started first grade, and my sister graduated a year later. Though they still lived with my parents for years after that. Because they could live there for free. First thing I did after college and moving back in for a bit, was to pay my parents room and board with my first real paycheck. I felt so good about that, my parents both cried when I paid them and said, "why should you pay, no one else has." I just told them, "I'm not them."

Stalking. Wow. What a concept.

I was "invited" over by my sister for Thanksgiving. She knows I'm No Contact with her. I didn't respond, was careful when I left to go buy supplies to make apple pies to donate for the local free Thanksgiving dinner. When I finally left on Thanksgiving to be with friends two hours away, I got into my car, drove down my driveway, and my sister rushed out of the house and waved at me like she was a robot. It was creepy. It's like I live in a fishbowl. I don't know how to separate these things. It is hard to ignore or stop my feelings, as they have been groomed into me since I was little.

I am thinking of selling and moving. But I own a whole lot of property. Unfortunately, my sister also shares half of my late mothers two big properties with me, and she owns a quarter share of the next door farm, of which I also own half. Then I have my big place which I own myself. My sister is after everything. She already got my brother's big place across the road. I'm alone with no one in my life. My sister has herself and her four kids and their kids. They don't visit me at all. Except when they come and ask me for something.

Every time I have challenged my sister, or called BS on her behavior and actions, she turns it all back upon me. It is unbelievable in how good she is at taking something she did, then turning it around and blaming me. And how vicious she is when doing that. Some of the things she has said to EMT's that had to come to the house in the past, or sheriff's deputies that came because she called them to deal with my invalid brother, who was probably egged on to get him to react. I witnessed her doing it many times and tried in vain to stop that behavior. To me, things always seems staged and that she was playing to an audience. And the things she would say. Totally unacceptable and hurtful. Those things were directed at my mother, my brother or at me. She would say them to the EMT's, deputies, and anyone else she could say them to. And they were meant to embarrass or hurt. More likely to destroy.

There I go complaining again, but I never really say much if anything to anyone. When I have, they say "toughen up and deal with it." I'm trying, but narcissists are tough to deal with. I never considered the stalking motive.

[sanmagic7]

to my mind, narcs are impossible to 'deal' with.  they own the game, make and break the rules at will, disrespect you at every turn, and don't really give a crap if you want nc or not.  i still own our family home with my ex, but i'm not worried about that anymore.  i think if moving is the best for you, it may be a good thing to explore that.  if you're not doing anything with the properties at this time, not getting anything out of them, maybe they're not as important as your health and well-being.  just a thought.

and, even if she runs out into the road in front of your car, you don't have to speak to her.  you can keep your windows rolled up, lock the doors, and drive around and away from her the first chance you get.  the idea of stalking, while i never thought of that, seems like it could be real.  especially with your history of not having any privacy.  something to think about.  best to you.  and, please remember, you're number one in importance in your own life.

[Joeybird]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Does your sister ever come close enough to your house to warrant a restraining order?

Moving sounds like a good idea, although not very convenient.

[Wife#2]

AS,
I wish I had advice! You and the others are both right. You're dealing with a Narc who uses bullying techniques to stalk and otherwise control your life. If she can't get into your everyday life directly, she'll stalk (else how does she know the moment you exit your home?) and control when and how you leave your own home. Even to wander the property!

This is silly, but it could end up being effective. Could you buy an umbrella? Preferably one of those huge golf size ones. Even better if it has a large, obnoxious smiley face painted on it. Take it with you every time you leave the house. If she pops up, engage umbrella! Place canopy between you and sister's face. Continue on around your property as you enjoy. Do as you please and voila! Privacy even as she glares. It does take all the fun out of glaring when nobody can see it!

Or, a leaf blower! Battery operated - and wear ear plugs of course. Every time you exit, turn it on. All the way to the car - just place it in the back seat. When she's flailing her arms or shouting, just point to blower and shake head, mouthing, 'Busy. Have to go! Bye!'

These are silly options, I know. But the umbrella may actually work! Put the music you enjoy on a portable device, plug in the ear buds, engage umbrella and enjoy your property on your terms again. If she attempts to flag down your vehicle again, blare the car horn! Blare it until someone tries to complain (have earplugs in car just in case). If they ask what THAT was about, say she scared you running into the street and flailing like that (really close to the truth, there).

Regardless how you choose to reclaim your life, I just hope you do reclaim it. Since I have one child so much younger than his brother and sister, I'm listening to what you have to say, so I can prevent some of that. There are differences, I can see in the way they treat their little brother that they genuinely do love him. And, both of them have had to pay their way as adults in our home. NO free rides here for adults.

to you. It's ok to complain sometimes. Really, it is. Sometimes getting this garbage out of your system sounds like griping to your own ears, but not to ours. So, we call it venting to help you feel less guilty for doing it! :-)

[Joeybird]

So sorry that she is putting you through this.

How close does she get to you, or your property? If it's close enough, maybe you could get a restraining order and call the police when she gets too close. That might make her rethink what she is doing. Or maybe she will just avoid the whole thing.

Good luck!

[Spirals]

I feel for you. This sounds like a miserable situation to be stuck in. Being stalked/bullied can be so draining and upsetting.

My PD bro and his PD wife are the most persistent stalkers in the family. They are delusional and think we have a relationship because I grey - rock them (due to past bullying of me on their part). I've tried to end it officially but the hoovering attempts were scary, or they just go into denial and continue as if I never tried to end it in the first place.

So I attempt to bore them to death as it seems they are too emotionally unstable for a "breakup", and boredom seems to be their only aversion. They really, really thrive on reactions. Especially negative ones. They really prefer me when I'm more emotionally expressive and try to set me off, if that makes sense.

I'll talk vaguely about my plans (lie or misrepresent them) and with a bored/flat vocal tone if I see them. I also avoid socializing with them like you, because I found most contact can re-kickstart their obsession with me. But they like to find out where I work and shop there     so I think they would move next to me if they had the money. Actually... they did move into the room next to me when they moved back into my parents house. I literally fled.

Which I'm embarrassed about, but it's healthy to protect yourself from an abuser and leaving is often the best way. Fear is not something to be ashamed of when you are dealing with a stalker.

These are my personal opinions, but I think you should consider moving, and possibly a restraining order. I don't know it you've heard of it but "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker really validated that the paranoid feelings I had about them were more rational than I realized. And that slowly "weaning" them off their obsessive contact with me was probably the best strategy I could have used anyways.