awake too early and self sabotaging

[Peggy-Sue]

my husband sleeps downstairs sometimes/falls asleep downstairs/stays up all night gaming/working/social media. It happens a couple times a week, way more a few months ago when we where really arguing .
he says its not rejection, that i should just accept it/chill out, that its just something he does
this morning he came to bed about at nearly 6 am, i woke we cuddled said some nice things to each other but u started to panic and feel unsafe, i told him so, he responded with words of comfort, we talked a bit about sex , about feeling physically close. I cant have sex right now. For years I have been so split off from my body I can only have sex in a role play scenario/under he influence of alcohol.
I never used to be like this with my husband, but about 5 years ago I had an affair. An internet/txt thing with a work colleague but i would have taken it and wanted to take it further but the guy would not. My husband found an explicit email from him and all went to *........I handled the whole thing really badly. I panicked and instead of telling the truth , that I had felt so rejected in our marriage (my husband I believe had become addicted to social media/was not present in our relationship at the time) that I had sought comfort in a fantasy and believed the fantasy and had done very very wrong indeed . NOT that I am not taking responsibility for my actions or was remorseful, still am always will be. It was my choice to have the affair and I am forever sorry I hurt my husband and wrecked our marriage. I am trying to understand WHY I did that? why did i behave just like my parents when I thought I was better than that, knew better than that, had seen the dysfunctional and hurtful relationship they had, the way they abused each other, abused me and my brother, blamed us/each other. How did i fall into that abyss? We did split up for a few months, he left the family home, i begged him not to i was crushed but it was more peaceful.......this was a couple of years ago and its taken this long to see i am acting out childhood stuff. That I am no way as healed and "over it" as I thought.
Back to this morning...so after a while of talking in bed , I start to feel very tense and then angry he has woken me up, i have to get up in an hour to get our son ready for school etc...I tell him I am wide awake and want to get up, he says he has not washed up like he said he would , i say i will do it as he never does it, he gets up angry goes downstairs washes up and leaves for work , very early. I lie in bed thinking i have just made him leave i have just sabotaged my life again. I am exhausted . I get up , I go to him in the kitchen but its like ice between us, i say sorry i upset you. He says he going to work and for me to have a good day. I feel like crap. I just want to be happy with him. I love him , he is a decent person but i am going to loose him for sure. Why doesn't he come to dam bed or moreover why cant I accept he doesn't and it doesn't matter??  I just feel so insular and lonely .

[radical]

I'm sad you are feeling so alone, Peggy Sue.
Try and be kind to yourself.

[Three Roses]

I've also heard my mouth saying things that horrified me. Read this article and see if it applies -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala_hijack

[Dee]

My T had me read the book "The Dance of Intimacy"  I highly recommend it.  I think it would help understand your relationship significantly.  It helped me understand my sister.

[Three Roses]

I read "The Dance Of Anger" which really helped me, too! Great author.

[sanmagic7]

peggy sue,

i think sometimes, even tho we think we 'should' know better or 'should' be above it all, those past issues are there, and, if still unresolved, will continue to play themselves out in our present lives with our present relationships.  those issues have emotional 'punches' that kick in and steer us in the direction of self-sabotage no matter how much we don't want to be part of it.

just some thoughts/questions that came to my mind.  does your husband still have a computer addiction?  is it gaming or porn or something else?  it sounds like you are still being neglected, and maybe there is some anger about that going on as well with you. 

i went thru a lot of my second marriage with a hub who stayed up after me with some lame excuse that i blindly accepted.  it turned out it was porn.  he ended up in SA because of it.  but, being rejected over and over again 'come on, it's time for bed' 'no, i want to stay up for awhile.  i'm not sleepy yet' even tho he'd been falling asleep on the couch 15 min. earlier took its toll.  when pressed, he'd tell me that he had a hard time going to bed, was nervous, felt like he was missing something.  well, i finally found out what he was afraid he was going to miss).

anyway, it sounds like it's an issue that needs to be resolved before your relationship can move forward.  just my opinion. 

[Sienna]

Hey Peggy-Sue

Im so sorry its so difficult and I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely. I hear you- A LOT.
This happened to me, and reading your story, i cant relate *so much*. Its as if you are describing what how i was with my X, and partly how my X was with me.
I feel that there is so much to say, so i hope that what i do say, isn't too much and I'm only sharing my experience as it may help...

my husband sleeps downstairs sometimes/falls asleep downstairs/stays up all night gaming/working/social media. It happens a couple times a week, way more a few months ago when we where really arguing .

My X did this too. Maybe you partner is avoiding intimacy.

he says its not rejection,
that i should just accept it/chill out,
that its just something he does

I personally find this quite hurtful to say the least. He needs to accept how you *feel* and not invalidate it.
Something i found incredibly difficult was to say to my partner *I feel*. It was too vulnerable.
Instead, i used to say nothing, or i used to end up angrily niggling at him.
My T suggested i do that, but i just couldn't - and he didnt always accept my feelings either- so no wonder.
It would be great IMO if he understood that everyone has their own *buttons*- sensitive hurts from childhood, and that maybe him staying up presses some of your buttons.

this morning he came to bed about at nearly 6 am, i woke we cuddled said some nice things to each other but u started to panic and feel unsafe, i told him so, he responded with words of comfort, we talked a bit about sex , about feeling physically close. I cant have sex right now. For years I have been so split off from my body I can only have sex in a role play scenario/under he influence of alcohol.

Oh how i understand this. I wonder, have you checked out the book - *The Flight from Intimacy. Healing your relationship from Counter-dependancey-The other side of co-dependancey* ?
I don't know if the book will resonate with you, but you sound very similar to me, and I am counter -dependant. This book really helped me to understand where my struggles with intimacy and being close physically may come from- though I'm still working on it with my T.

When you have been hurt and had your boundaries invaded as a child, it is very normal to react with panic at being physically / emotionally close.
It is normal to be afraid of engulfment - as well as abandonment and afraid of being vulnerable and exposed. Its normal to not trust.
I hope that he can respect that you cant have sex right now. That is ok.
It was a major source of conflict for me and my X and any discussion about sex i would want to drown out in my own world inside my head. It made me panic.
If you are mad at him- makes sense to me that you would be unsure of the cuddles, maybe distrusting that he doesnt mean what he is saying?
My X broke a lot of promises- so the apologies didnt mean anything - when i didnt believe them anyway due to my childhood experiences.
and he wanted sex to *make up* after arguments / disagreements.
Also, i know i unconsciously used anger- fight response- to push my partner away and to stop him seeing my inside- the inside that i believe is shameful and worthless.
But- my anger sometimes, was justified, i just didnt know then - and i shouldnt have reacted like my mother. I was repeating what she did to me.

I had an affair too- but it was to do with my childhood unmet needs. Didn't understand that at the time. It was a one night thing...I couldnt help myself.
Its easier sometimes, when people are so afraid of letting their partner meet their needs for love and intimacy, to try to get that through a stranger. Having sex with a stranger can seem better than with someone who you are intimate with.

I panicked and instead of telling the truth , that I had felt so rejected in our marriage (my husband I believe had become addicted to social media/was not present in our relationship at the time) that I had sought comfort in a fantasy and believed the fantasy and had done very very wrong indeed .

Im wondering if you find it hard asking for what you want and need from others?

NOT that I am not taking responsibility for my actions or was remorseful, still am always will be. It was my choice to have the affair and I am forever sorry I hurt my husband and wrecked our marriage.

Im just wondering if its not just you- but that he might have to take some responsibility here too?

I am trying to understand WHY I did that? why did i behave just like my parents when I thought I was better than that, knew better than that, had seen the dysfunctional and hurtful relationship they had, the way they abused each other, abused me and my brother, blamed us/each other.

I don't want to give you answers -not that i have them all,
but i would read the counter-dependancy book and see if it resonates with you.
Logic alone is not enough unfortunately to stop anyone acting out their childhood.
You could be unconsciously repeating your past- what your parents did- thought having an  affair, reliving the trauma, (reputation compulsion)
And i undestand completely that you wanted to not do what your parents did. I do think that you are already way ahead of them for having this insight and for reaching out on the forum.
Another guess is that you could be unconsciously sabotaging your relationship, bringing about your fears that may be certainties in your mind, that your husband WILL leave you?
Kind of like- ill end this before you do.

And as for being more peaceful- yes, it is. Maybe you went back to a time of almost relief, being alone, where it felt *safer*.

With Cptsd, intimacy is triggering, because that was where we were hurt. It sounds lonely.

I tell him I am wide awake and want to get up,
he says he has not washed up like he said he would ,
i say i will do it as he never does it,
he gets up angry goes downstairs washes up and leaves for work , very early.

I used to avoid cuddles. Wanted to get up and get going. I feel trapped in situations like that.
My x used to say he would do the dishes- then didnt. - the broken promises thing.
(he wouldn't take any responsibility and wouldnt work things...he broke up with me when i started to see the red flags of narcissism)

I lie in bed thinking i have just made him leave i have just sabotaged my life again.

I don't know how you said to him about the dishes. If you were angry, it sounds like it was justified, if he keeps saying he will do them but he doesnt.
If you ask really really nicely...and nothing budges, you know its not you.
Its sooo hard when we are let down, and when triggered, to react ... with out anger.
When promises are broken, it says to us *i was right to never ask- know one follows through, know one will help. If you want something doing- do it yourself*
(sorry, my own experience here)

Could be, that you have unconsciously attracted a partner who is like one or both of your parents / caregivers.
My x was like my mum but also like my dad. My dad never stood up for me when my mum was ..bad. I realise I'm maybe more angry at my dad, which is why i chose a partner like him (but with high narc traits like my mum)
and through hurting my partner, i was trying to get back at my dad- subconsciously.

Why doesn't he come to dam bed or moreover why cant I accept he doesn't and it doesn't matter??

I don't know why he cant.
But i do know, that the reason you can't accept that it doesnt matter- is because *it does matter* it matters to you.
And thats ok, even if it doesnt feel like its ok.

I don't know where you are in healing, but seeing my T helped me see how to react, the best i could, that was different, calmer, even thought not the best. But X didnt / couldnt change. I began to see through his...red flags and he broke it off. All i could was work on myself...i couldnt do his work for him.

Huge  [/quote][/quote]

[Peggy-Sue]

thanks for support , my therapist suggested I tell my husband how hurt i am by his absence
i have so many times but am met with vitriol and blame, but i tried again...so he response was to not come home at all
he keeps telling me its my fault tat i am a narcissist, attention seeking and have no right to point out his comes and goes as he pleases
the insults reigned down on me via email and i kept asking him to take responsibility for his share of crap in our relationship
he is not big on responsibility, i take care of finances , pay for the holidays .xmas etc.. not cause e cant but because he refuses, i am not wealthy , i have a credit card and budget like crazy......
he wont accept he dips in and out of our marriage and that perhaps me feeling so insecure was partly the cause of my affair, i am not seeking sympathy i hurt him so badly but since the txt/intenet affair he has dipped out even more and i have taken it as penance
it has made me ill...i had a breakdown 3 weeks ago
my husband sends me pages and pages of stuff on personality disorder/narcissism and being a psychopath , its relentless, pages and pages of it followed by "humorous" quotes about how stupid and thick i am, then writes "I love you" at the end of the email.
we been together 20 years and he has accused me of affairs before, once because i got locked in a toilet(could not open the door) in a baer and when I finally got free and came back to him he said I was screwing some guy in the toilet, REALLY while he was mins away..I let it go then he accused me of seeing a volunteer I worked with at a homeless project.....just cause i was helping him...he has accused me of being a slut all our relationship and i have pacified him and then i did it...so proved him right
my therapist whom i know unless i am brutally honest with will be a waste of time says I have CPTSD, abuse in childhood ,neglect, and the same in adolescence. I need to be taking care of people or i feel nothing , i f i try and stand up for myself with my husband he destroys me , he is very clever , so i shut up, i wish i had not opened my mouth again.......as he is yet again laughing at me and i am left at home alone
i am going to curl up and watch a film and pretend he does not exist, he wont leave i have asked him to , why would he , jhe has everything he needs , food , clothes ,a clean home , son taken care of and the bills paid , he has his own business and own life.....
i dont want to think he is also one in a long line of abusers in my life , but i think he is

[sanmagic7]

i think you're right.

[Sienna]

I think you are right too. This is abusive. Im so sorry. 

[Peggy-Sue]

i have just had to collect him from his shop, after sending abusive emails he then decides he needs a lift home as he has hurt his leg
he has hurt his leg because by choice he stayed al night at his business , on his feet and although suffers with circulation problems , has not eaten or drank or slept for nearly 48 hrs, thank god my son is at a freinds this eve, and yes like an idiot i fetched him home.....
his parting words to me as he went up to bed (stinking and babbling) was to leave the home...........
i feel so powerless i cant get him to leave , he part owns the home, my son hero worships him and thinks its normal his father is so absent (my beautiful boy is 10 years old)
i just want some peace, i have suggested selling the house and a clean break but he says he won't sign anything, tomorrow he will say he loves me and its not my fault its because i am ill and he does not blame me for causing problems/its because i am a narcissistic evil * or so he tells me I am , its ground hog day
and as i am powerless , i make the best of things , try to enjoy life with my boy and just get on with it , but i am broken this time
i have not had more than a few days  off work since my maternity leave , i am into my third week of sick leave now due to panic attacks.......i'm so lost , i just want him to take responsibility , share his life with me, but right now i hate him and i really dont want to
i just want to take my son and run

[Sienna]

Oh, i hope this doesnt freak you out, but if i could give you a thousand hugs right now, I would!
I understand everything you are saying. I was so mad at my x, but so afraid to be alone.
Know one could make me leave, until it was too late.
He is projecting. He is probably the narcissist, - all the things he says..could be him again, not accepting responsibility and instead, throwing all those things that he is - onto you.
If your so much of a *problem*- then...why doesnt HE leave??
Have you ever asked him that? Interesting isnt it? He may be afraid of being alone- as narcs are. They need someone to shoot down so that they feel better and gain supply.

I can't take the time to reply because i have no internet and the coffee shop is going to close. So sorry.
Just..

[Peggy-Sue]

virtual hugs accepted in the spirit they are sent really thank you
yeah i asked him why doesn't he leave he just says he does not want to split up, its been like this for about 4/5 years now, he says its his home, not that he does anything here .........he did leave about 3 years ago , just took a flat 5 mins down the road without discussing it, for my son's sake (as he would be staying there) i kitted it out with stuff from our then joint account and shopped for food several times, i was ok then he crept back into my life , i was lonely , weak and didn't want the same broken home i had , had for my boy , as soon as my husband moved back it was the same , i know i should have known better, been stronger, the flat quickly became a crap hole.....i.e my son told me "daddy's sink has flies in it all the time and the flat smells", but he bought an x box so his priorities were right .........well for him anyway, so he doesn't want to live in crap again, when he has a home he can use/abuse
he tells me i am just being a victim if i complain
my boy home now , going to cuddle him up and take care of him
thank you for support but i can't see away out of this right now, i just have to get stronger and stop believing in the fantasy relationship i wish i had and face up to the mess i am in, i survived my abusers when i was a kid , i can survive him , right?

[Dee]

Here's an idea.  Why don't you call a domestic violence organization and get their thoughts?  They can help you understand what is abuse and what options there are.  The call is anonymous and you have nothing to lose.

There are definitely some things here that mirrors my recent marriage.  Most notably I would ask him to leave and he would refuse.

Also, just because you survived before doesn't mean you should keep compounding the problem.  You can't recover from something if you are still in it.  When you do get out the extent of the abuse may hit you like a ton of bricks. 

[Peggy-Sue]

i have worked for past 24 years in services for the most vulnerable, inc : mental health, homeless domestic abuse, young offenders , learning disabilities,domestic and sexual abuse services and children/teens in state care.........my therapist calls it "wounded healers"
I know my relationship is abusive and i have been abusive recently myself, i felt threatened by my husband physically and lashed out at him, i was drunk , no excuse but meant i was not in control and i regret it and was a one off, but i take responsibility for striking him, he was shaking me but i did strike him on the face with my phone, several times till he let go of my arms.
i have never raised my hand save a silly fight with another girl at school when i was 14 to anyone, my husband has grabbed , pulled me about, stood over me screaming when i have asked him to back off and i twice when he has been standing over me like that i once picked up the kettle and thrust it at him and once thrust a lit cigarette at him, in my mind i was never going to connect i just wanted him to back off. my son was not around i hasten to add. now my husband brands me a perpetrator of domestic abuse, he says this is proof i am a narcissistic. To me it was proof I was broken and acting out like my father who was very physically abusive and had to get help. I am not trying to excuse or justify my behaviour but i do know i was so shocked i knew i could not  it happen again and realised i was having a breakdown. My husband will not acknowledge his behaviour , this is why we are stuck.....but i am getting therapy he says he does not need it that he is very aware ........he is not the man i thought he was and i have no idea who i am......as always i really appreciate the support/messages it helps to know i am not alone
i hope your recovery journey is bringing you peace
its late in england now and i am watching stuff on USA elections....all i can say is WOW and goodness gracious me!
take care of yourself