awake too early and self sabotaging

Started by Peggy-Sue, November 07, 2016, 08:03:44 AM

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Sienna

Hey Peggy-Sue

Um. i used to say i wanted to break up to my X. I did want to. Really. but i was afraid to be alone.
I wanted things to just be ok with us.
He is acting like he wants to split up...i know thats not helpful...you already know that.
Whatever the reason he is doing it and i think i know why...the fact is he is doing it, and its not good enough or conjunctive if thats the word, to a healthy relationship.

Quotei know i should have known better, been stronger, the flat quickly became a crap hole.....i.e my son told me "daddy's sink has flies in it all the time and the flat smells", but he bought an x box so his priorities were right .........well for him anyway, so he doesn't want to live in crap again, when he has a home he can use/abuse
I understand thinking *i should have known better*.
I just want you to know too, that, its not your fault, even though i know it feels bad that you didnt know better.
i wont go into all the reasons why we *dont know any better* - but i have them if you ever want to know (if you don't know)

Quotehe tells me i am just being a victim if i complain
Well, thats just awful. He is being a victim here...taking on a victim roll, blaming you - only focusing on your behaviour, projecting things that are him onto you.
Such as - telling you your a victim. it may be projection.

Quotemy boy home now , going to cuddle him up and take care of him
(thumb up)

Quotethank you for support but i can't see away out of this right now, i just have to get stronger and stop believing in the fantasy relationship i wish i had and face up to the mess i am in, i survived my abusers when i was a kid , i can survive him , right?
I don't know if you want advice, but my advice would be to carry on with your therapy...if you are with a good enough and the right therapist.
Because that way, you might come to conclusions about what to do. if you want to leave, maybe you ll feel stronger, if nothing happens to make the relationship end for a while.
I think you are very strong. Maybe part of you did stop believing in this fantasy relationship you always wanted. But your inner child most likely, still wants that and is hopeful.
You did survive the abuse when you were a child. And it sounds like you have been surviving this, from your husband.
You might be able to survive more of it from him, but at great cost to your health, mentally and physically, and to your sons perhaps too.
Its so awful to feel stuck. I know it might feel you have no choice, and that is ok. It is how it is.
I just want you to know, that, if you ever feel that you can leave if you are not happy, you have a right to happiness, and you don't just have to keep *surviving* any more. You don't have to do that anymore.
:hug:

Sienna

ps. i just wanted to say- you mentioned about your Therapist not helping
I don't know if she is knowledgeable about narcism,
not all of them are...and tend to focus on what your issue is with the way you are being treated- its all in your head kind of thing-
not the fact that you being narcissistically abused for example
Richard Grannan talked about that- don't know if you know him...

Don't know if it was right or not, but my T never told me my X was very narcissistic as i was also hurting him...not intentionally..due to trauma etc. and my own narcissistic traits.
So she couldnt tell what was going on
In the end it figured out, but i figured it out myself.
Couldnt not write that as i thought it was important.

Peggy-Sue

everyones advice and support has been amazing, coupled with my friends i have managed to come to the decision to rent a place for me and my boy (and our jack russell) for 6 months, its still near my son's dad and school and near my boys friends so should cause as least upset a possible
when i told my husband tonight he said i was because of PMT???
i just need space, i have been in a relationship since i was 16, always disasters with needy/self obsessed men (or souls of poets a i used to call them), who i could not wait to rescue and put on pedestals and ignore my own needs or sense of self (reenacting my mum's patterns)
I am now 43 and need a break, to find out who i am and prioritise my son
got viewing this week....wish me luck.....better days just around the corner :cheer:ps my therapist majored in narcissistic studies she is good and is clear although we all possess traits of personality disorders my family where/are narcissists and i am cptsd/human being

sanmagic7

peggy sue,

first, and foremost, i sincerely hope that you are able to stop putting yourself down, saying neg. things about yourself.  you are in the midst of a traumatic situation, and you are surviving it the best you can.  there are no judgments, no shame to shoulder.  you have both yourself and your child to love and protect, and that's imperative!

so very glad you've found a place for you and your son and pup, too.  i wish for you that your hub will leave you in peace so that you have the time and space you need.  if he doesn't, than i hope you find the strength to resist whatever he's 'selling' at the moment. 

i don't know what PMT is supposed to mean, but i do believe that you are doing an extremely strong, courageous, and sane move for yourself.  go for it!

Dee


I looked it up PMT premenstrual tensions.  PMS  as I know it.

I'm 43 as well, getting it together.  Keep going, it's hard, but worth it.  I can't say I am better, but at least I feel more hope, most days.  Just remember, sometimes it feels harder before better.  That doesn't mean we should give up or go back to abuse, ride it out.  There is comfort in the familiar, freedom in the unknown.

Sienna

Peggy-Sue,
It was such a joy and wonderful thing to log on and to read what you wrote!

So great about deciding to rent a place- you and your boy and that you are prioritising yourself and your son.
Sounds like your husband cant face the fact that you are leaving *him*...so of course he would need to come up with an excuse, that being- the problem is nothing to do with him- its with only you-
which is NOT true.  It takes two to make a relationship.

I do hope the viewing goes well. What a very brave thing to do.
So glad too that your therapist knows about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Thats great to hear.

:hug: :hug: