Rant so I can actually get back to focusing on the things I need to get done

[writetolife]

GAH, I am so upset about have C-PTSD this morning, and it's making it impossible to focus, which is bad because I have a writing deadline coming up this Friday. 

THIS ISN'T FAIR.  I know life isn't fair.  Usually I don't even expect it to be.  But this morning, I just want to be like "normal" people who don't have to worry about have flashbacks or intrusive memories, who can maybe function at the level that they want to or need to. I'm so tired of having to walk through my daily life with all of the pressure of this, but having to keep it hush hush.  I'm still living in the environment who gave me CPTSD, and so telling them isn't really an option.  I'm tired of feeling different than everyone else.  I'm tried of having to be strong because I know that even on the better days, if I let the full extent of what I'm feeling and dealing with sink in, I'll be down at least for days, maybe longer.  And I don't think I'll be able to keep it a secret.  I'm tired of the SH and suicidal urges that come when I'm in a flashback, and so I have to sit them out, even when my brain is screaming at me that everything is hopeless. 

I am so tired of feeling like I'm living a double life.  Or maybe a triple.  I have to be one person in my highly abusive home to prevent conflict, a competent outgoing person at work to do my job, but in my head I'm a mess and scared and lonely and fighting every day to stay semi-stable. 

And I can't help but wonder what I'd be if none of this happened to me.  I know it isn't really a helpful thought, but once in a while I have to wonder.  Maybe I wouldn't have as much determination because it's taken so much determination to get through 14 years of mental illness, while still trying to get good grades and go to college and ...  But then again, maybe every blasted thing I do wouldn't be so difficult. 

This could be a hard day. 

[Melodie]

Hello,

I am terribly sorry for the feelings that are haunting you today. I don't expect this to help, but let me tell you that you aren't alone. I am a full time college student with three jobs, a disabled father and so many problems within myself that I can barely function some days. I am taking 12 credits, at the community college I am at. I am an academic advising assistant, seamstress, and a sales person that gets home anywhere from 3:20 to 4:30 everyday Monday through Thursday and then spend 32-38 hours Friday-Sunday selling and helping my grandparents out (my sales person job). To add onto it, I have all of my problems. It started from when I was born and got worse when I was 18 months old and lasted until I was 12. I am 20 now.

I have those feelings of just wanting to be "normal". Why couldn't I be born into a life, a family,  without any abuse, anger, child trafficking etc? Why couldn't the people on this forum just be born into "normal" lives?! And that's just not how it happens. :/ Sadly. It is horrible. On those days that I get so overwhelmed that I could just lay in my bed and breakdown and cry from 8 am to 8 pm what I tend to do is settle within myself. It's not normal, but it helps me just get through until I get home.

And while I don't know who you are or what you have gone through, I know for a fact that you can make it. Make it until the time that you can get to your safe area. I hope that my post helped you in someway. I didn't mean to rant about myself, my point was to make you feel less alone because I know I feel alone most days. You are not alone and you CAN do it (whatever "it" is for you).

Support from a stranger that cares and understands.(: 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Melodie! Thanks for joining us!

The only thing I have to add is - "Normal is just a setting on your dryer."