Hello, (unsure to whom I am talking)

[Helen]

  I hope I am posting in the right spot. After reading lots of stuff on this sight, Mostly by Kinsey, I think I have found, (maybe) people that understand the craziness I feel. I am in therapy, but as the disassociation wanes, (she says it is a good thing) the pain, and severity of emotional flashbacks increase. Now I am feeling them full force, and it makes me feel crazier than ever. This is the first blog I have seen, that  even mentions emotional flashbacks. I feel like I am getting worse, not better. In my opinion, I have escaped many of the pitfalls that result from CPTSD, but I am doing things now (to cope) that I have never done before, and it worries me. I do feel like I have a good T, she seems smart, and is versed in trauma, but I have a habit of hiding the pain very well, even from myself. Where is the numbing, the dissociation, when I need it?  Not until recently, have the walls of my life come crashing down. So what to do?... I can relate to the stories that were posted, especially Kinseys.

Oh, about me... I am a retired school teacher (loved my job of 35 years), a wife and mother of 2 beautiful grown girls, and a new grandmother (Poppy, my granddaughter is the absolute light of my life and I want to be there for her) I was very high functioning before, always putting nose to the grind stone, think don't feel, ignore, deny any internal bubbling of the past and moving forward with my busy life.

I'm still very active, 3 volunteer jobs, 1 p/t paying job, and watching that lil Poppy 2 days a week. But I seem to be struggling, I just can't put the past back in the box like I used to. And I find myself bowing out of things I need to do, things I like to do. I have read this in the stories, so I guess that I am in the right place. Thanks for being here.

[Peggy-Sue]

hey i am new to this forum lark too but it seems a good safe place
staying in my body is too a challenge and i too have kept so busy for so long i dd not notice i had crashed till i burned out
glad you got good therapist and are taking time to heal
its a stormy/rough journey but worth the trials and tribulation to reclaim yourself
take care of you
peggy sue

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Helen! Thanks for joining!

I am in therapy, but as the disassociation wanes, (she says it is a good thing) the pain, and severity of emotional flashbacks increase. Now I am feeling them full force, and it makes me feel crazier than ever.

Boy, can I relate! Because dissociation is a coping skill we use in order to not feel, when we do start feeling there's nothing to cushion the reality of it all. Your T is right tho, it means you're getting better. 

[Helen]

Thanks Peggy-Sue and three roses. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Helen     I think you may have meant me when you talked about reading Kinsey's posts.  I just wanted to say that one thing I have found in recovery is that although we need to feel our feelings, we don't need to do so all at once as it can be overwhelming.  We talk a lot about baby steps and going slowly so that we get used to feeling bit by bit and personally I have found that to be most helpful. 

It's great that you have a good T and I hope you find a lot of good info and support here as well.   

[Helen]

Thank you, and yes Kizzie, I was referring to you. Sorry for the mis-name.

I love the idea of baby steps, as I have been feeling quite overwhelmed (crazy actually),  especially last weekend. How do you do this in baby steps? I feel as though my mind was hijacked by the little me (a sad confused young me) and a bit older more masculine part (very demanding, angry, forceful, critical). I needed to make a decision about something, and a war between these parts ensued. My coping behavior was to get on the internet and try to find information about what was happening to me. Actually, that is how I found this site.

I saw my T today, and she assured me that I am not going crazy. She said that I am learning to trust her more and that these emotions (parts?) are just being made available to me because now I dissociate less, and that it somehow is a healthy thing even though I feel worse. I'm not sure if I understood her correctly, but it was something like that. Does it make sense?

I believe that this will be a great site to be a part of, so thanks for being here.

[Three Roses]

It's healthy that you are feeling your feelings. But, it may not be fun!  Dissociating is a dysfunctional coping skill we develop to avoid dealing with our feelings - with the result that they remain unresolved. Actually feeling stuff may seem unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even painful, but that's temporary. You'll get better at it as time goes by.

[Kizzie]

As your T suggests you're not going crazy Helen, you're just recovering and able to look at some things that until now you had to avoid to survive.  It can be overwhelming at first but as Three Roses suggests, it tends to get better.

If you are dissociating less and feeling more (and worse), it is healthy as your T suggests but tiring and difficult as you know. So by baby steps I mean digging into the trauma a bit at a time, then if you can, resting or doing something else to recharge and let things settle before you go back to looking at the trauma.  If you're reading a lot here or from books, push away from the computer or put the book down and do something that helps to change your focus that you find enjoyable or positive (gardening, biking or if you're not up to something like that, taking a nap).  It can really help with that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Hope this helps 

[Helen]

Hi and Thanks, Yes, that helps?
Are you suggesting (or saying) that eventually I will have more control over the emotional flashbacks, than I feel I have? Or will this mind hijacking (for lack of a better word) continue to happen in this way?

When I am flooded with emotion is searching for an answer a bad coping tool? Or are you saying just dont get so wrapped up in this? like don't make my life about this, especially when I'm feeling ok.

[Kizzie]

I found that as I looked at the trauma (bit by bit), and did things to reduce triggers (e.g., went low/ no contact with family, got more rest), I had fewer and less intense flashbacks.  Hopefully you will find the same.  As for taking things bit by bit, I am not saying don't try and find out the reasons, I'm just suggesting you don't try and do everything all at once.  It's like peeling off the layers of an onion versus ripping off a bandaid.

I should say too that I am not a trained T so best to work with your T on the pace you take.  I can only give you my experience with what worked or didn't for me which might not necessarily be the same for you. 

[Helen]

Thanks Kizzie, that really helps lots.   

[prairiewind]

Welcome Helen. I've noticed that my memory triggers are worse when I finally have time to stop and think. Maybe being retired you're allowing yourself that now?