Preoccupied by feeling unloveable or with rejection

[Wildfire]

Hi everyone! I often feel a deep sense of shame or like I'm vulnerable to rejection and i'm waiting to be criticised or rejected, this leads me to be slightly inhibited with people: often my automatic thought is "that person hates me", which drives me crazy because i KNOW people don't, it's only that I FEEL that way... it drives me crazy, the low self-esteem is quite intense a lot of the time, but i know at heart I'm a good person and that people like me, but why don't I feel it? I have good days and up days, where I feel better but my low self-esteem feels quite pervasive. I don't avoid making friends or socialising or whatever, but i definitely avoid intimacy and getting too close unless i'm in the right mood or feeling confident that day.

This low self-esteem and preoccupation with not feeling good enough and expecting rejection is really debilitating.

Recently I accidentally read about Avoidant Personality Disorder:


According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a person diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder needs to show at least four of the following criteria:
Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
Is unwilling to get involved with people unless they are certain of being liked.
Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.
Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.
Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.


Does anyone else relate to this? I don;t think I necessarily tick every box or that I'm extreme, but i;m definitely sensitive to rejection or teasing (thanks to abuse) and feel like people won't like me or take things to mean people don't like me even though i know its irrational, and I try to avoid too much intimacy unless i know that someone can be trusted and that person isn't triggering me. Is this common CPTSD stuff?

Thanks guys  

[meursault]

I never looked into AvPD, because I have spent the last twenty five years actively trying to engage socially.  It's the only thing that's helped keep social phobia from being completely debilitating.   I just figured, well, that wouldn't be me.  But reading that.... good lord, that's how I feel in a nutshell.

[Three Roses]

Pete Walker's book "From Surviving To Thriving", pages 8 - 9:

"I once heard renowned traumatologist, John Briere, quip that if cptsd were ever given its due, the DSM used by all mental health professionals would shrink from its dictionary like size to the size of a thin pamphlet. In other words, the role of traumatized childhoods in most adult psychological disorders is enormous.
   "I have witnessed many clients with CPTSD misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders. Moreover, many are also unfairly and inaccurately labeled with bipolar, narcissistic, codependent, autistic spectrum and borderline disorders. (This is not to say that CPTSD does not sometimes co-occur with these disorders.)....
   "Furthermore, this is not to say that those so misdiagnosed do not have issues that are similar and correlative with the disorders above. The key point is that these labels are incomplete and unnecessarily shaming descriptions of what the survivor is actually afflicted with....
   "Moreover, most of the diagnoses mentioned above are typically treated as innate characterological defects rather than as learned maladaptations to stress - adaptations that survivors were forced to learn as traumatized children. And, most importantly, because these adaptations were learned, they can often be extinguished or significantly diminished, and replaced with more functional adaptations to stress."

[Wildfire]

Awesome, thanks for the book quote!! I think it's just a combo of my inner critic and my PTSD scanning for danger. I don't massively avoid things, just more isolated or widthrawy when I'm feeling stressed or whatever. I don't think I have this disorder lol, think I was just panicking about it and recognised some symptoms - I mean don't most people with C-PTSD have low self-esteem and struggle with intimacy? No *, why wouldn't we? At least it's workable and we can overcome it .

[Dee]

I most definitely isolate....wait, I think that is a symptom of CPTSD too

Right now, I feel like I never want to be intimate with anyone ever again.  I think that is just from being hurt so often.

I think it is dangerous to start reading things and self diagnosing without the confirmation from a therapist.  Reading about your diagnosis is not the same; that's educating yourself.   How many people have you met or heard about that by looking on the internet, thought they had heart conditions, cancer, and a host of other serious medical problems when they didn't?  I think there is a reason why we need doctors.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi wildfire
Yes I relate !!

Quote 'This low self-esteem and preoccupation with not feeling good enough and expecting rejection is really debilitating'

Massively for me .. I don't feel good enough on so many levels .. I am starting to get a chink of light that this is not true ...BUT it doesn't stop the thoughts and feelings ...
I'm learning that the perfectionism in me is massive and something in me drives a 'if it's less than 100% it's not good enough, in fact 100% is most likely not enough ..
I feel a lot of shame, when I'm around others ... not all people but most

I expect rejection because I don't gel with that many people and so I have this inate drive to want to be connected with more people 'be a likeable person ' but then when I look around and I don't have many friends I feel rubbish and less than
If people aren't gushy and showing me a lot of attention 'then they aren't interested and don't like me ' and if they are interested I think 'what's wrong with them, they obviously don't have good self esteem themselves ...
People just can't win
I watched a programme yesterday and it talked about '-allowing others to give - allowing ourselves to receive emotionally ... that struck a cord with me ...

[Wildfire]

Thanks guys!!! I think I was jumping the gun a bit lol . I guess low self-esteem is a big thing with C-PTSD and isolation, I realise my trust issues and sensitivity comes from being abused and I watch out for that. And my shame and low self-esteem are all the voices from the past.

Lol Dee ! You're so right!! I always google symptoms and freak when I have a cold, this is the same thing haha . I think i have worried that i have like 4 different mental health issues/personality disorders since developing PTSD. 

[sanmagic7]

the idea of having more than one disorder resonates with me as well, but i can now also see that it's all part of this big picture of c-ptsd.  this monster is huge, and if we all keep working together, i believe we'll break it apart bit by bit. 

boat, i've found that to be so true.  if it feels good for us to give to someone else, it must also feel good to another person to give to us.  i think its fair that we give others the opportunity to feel good in that way.  i know it takes practice to be able to receive, but once we get the hang of it, that feels good, too. 

because of being ill, i finally had to allow myself to be given to, to be cared for, to let others do for me what i had been so used to doing for them.  and i know they were grateful to have a more give-and-take relationship with me because of it.    it's taken time, a lot of biting my tongue so as not to say 'no, thank you, i can do it myself', and a lot of practice in gracious receiving.  but, my relationships don't feel so one-sided now, they feel more honest and real, and i can't see that as a bad thing.

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

I too struggle with feeling unloved at times, and am terrified at the thought of even one person in my life saying they don't care about me.
I have never been in an abusive relationship nor have I been sexually abused, so I can't say anything about not wanting to be intimate. But I do know that friends are hard to make and keep, I just don't have the energy to socialize, and always keep everyone at arms length.
But like some of you have said, that could just be a symptom of the abuse, not wanting to get close enough to somebody so as to avoid any future abuse.

Whenever the girls at my Sunday group talk with each other, they seem to have normal conversations. But when they talk with me, it's like they talk differently towards me.
Everyone has done this with me, except for the sister of my mentor.  She has been a huge blessing to me.