i'm new.. help! please don't judge!

[esthergrace]

first off I just want to apologize in advance for the long drawn out post. I've spoken about these things to a few people in my life but they just don't understand.

i'm 20 years old, half Filipino (half English) and about 5 months ago I finally managed to move in with my partner of 2 and a half years. before this i lived at home with my family and suffered domestic abuse for pretty much the entire 20 years of my life - in fact, if you count my dad kicking my mum when she was pregnant with me, then it really has been the entirety of my life. since moving out i have tried to forgive my dad and am at least civil with him because i know holding on to hate is kinda like the saying - drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  but i feel like such an angry person.
the more i understand my own mental health, i can see now that my dad does not know how to deal with stress. he has a short fuse and we would spend hours of the day being tormented by him shouting abuse and often losing his cool and hitting/shoving us around or throwing stuff at us or throwing us into stuff. he said that if that were really true - if he really did beat us up - then we wouldn't be standing. yet i remember so vividly every event.
I've always been an anxious person anyway, but i feel like it was made much worse by the abuse. but if anything ever kicked off and it was with one of my siblings or my mum then i would be quick to get in the way and take the abuse instead because it hurt more to see them hurt. it was worsened by the fact that my parents are Christian, so my dad would quote bible verses at us telling us what bad people we were. i seemed to get the worst of everything though, maybe because my brother and sister went out to friends but i was too anxious to go to someone elses house and have their dads treat me this way instead (that was my genuine belief).
In school i had a slew of friends who just didn't care about me at all and i seemed to attract people that would just walk all over me.
at 16 i ended up in an emotionally abusive long distance relationship which lasted for two years. I knew that it was wrong to be told how to dress, who i could be friends with, how i should spend my money .. or maybe it was being told that i couldn't end the relationship, but he wanted to screw other people. anyway, i always thought that relationship was at least better than the domestic situation - even if i ended up alone in a strange city at 2 in the morning waiting for a train. a few weeks before my 18th i found out i was pregnant which made both the home situation AND the relationship more volatile, but i ended up having a miscarriage. thankfully i managed to end the relationship and somehow landed into another. Thankfully it was and has been a good relationship and my partner really takes care of me and protects me (which was something i never really expected from a man, given my previous experiences). unfortunately though, after my miscarriage i had a friend who was also pregnant and she made it a daily occurance to make sure i remembered i miscarried and brought me to tears with awful remarks about it. she ended up abandoning the baby with her partner and i was left bitter and hurt, as well as having lies being spread about me and my mental health by said friend.
fast forward to last august. i had a breakdown and shaved my head. the whole time i felt like i was a bad person because people denied everything that happened. i continually asked for help, but the people at church thought it wasn't their business to sort our family problems out. i'd had a slew of bad jobs - situations much the same, i allowed people to push me around, sexually harass me, allowed them to make racist remarks, and getting to breaking point where i couldn't tell what was real or not. hearing screaming and feeling like i'd been shaken up severely all the time. in October i was diagnosed with complex ptsd. i haven't self harmed since December, but i have really been struggling.

here i am, in my own house with a loving partner and i find myself feeling worse than ever. i used to have an extreme addiction to violence - watching horror/violent movies made me feel more normal because it's what I've always known - and i used to smash stuff up in anger. but i find now i have left that place, i am less resilient to these things. i can't even watch a moderately aggressive action movie without sometimes getting triggered. i feel angry all the time. i obsess over things - EVERYTHING. I've struggled with disordered eating for years... i pretty much tick every box on the symptoms description list for C-PTSD. i thought i got better.
despite the psychologist saying it wouldn't be productive to say i would fully recover, i had about 2 months of feeling good. but i'm here because i feel i can't supress how i feel anymore. i have an extreme dependency on my partner but i don't want to put so much pressure on him.
i'm tired of pretending to the rest of the world that i'm ok and that i'm recovering, because deep down i just feel angry all the time. mainly because my mother denies all of this, my dad denies all of this, and my brother is so laid back that he has been able to just let it go.
i want to let it go but i can't, and my therapist isn't any help. i feel like everyone i talk to just doesn't understand. they think i'm just going through a phase because i'm a young person. like they can sweep what happened under the carpet. but i remember everything and it's shaped the way i deal with things and i just feel so lost.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for at least taking the time to read all of this. i feel like i can't really explain my ordeal without explaining a watered down version of all of it.

i guess i just want to know how other people cope. how do you live life? how do you get past the initial stage where you aren't in that place anymore? i never thought i would be out of that place, and now that i am, i don't know what to do?!

thanks again

x

[kxCobra]

Hey esthergrace,

I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood and experiences growing up. That is terrible and no one should ever have to go through what you did.

That being said, I got out of my place of abuse around a year and a half ago, so I understand to a certain degree where you are at. One thing that has really helped me is reading the Hunger Games. That sounds weird, but essentially it is a story of trauma, more trauma, and learning to handle the after effects of PTSD instead of the heroine magically getting better and not having any issues like most novels portray them.

I don't know if there is really a right or wrong way to learn to cope with normal life out of an abusive home. It's tough for me because I don't want to forget all the lessons I learned from my abuse growing up. It felt like survival for me, and now that I'm in the clear it feels like a betrayal to myself to forget all of that and just move on with life. One thing that helps when I'm focusing too much on the negatives is reminding myself that I am not at the place of abuse any longer, I have a support group, they are all safe, and I am in a place where I can allow myself to feel safe. That last part may be difficult, but work at it and eventually you'll get it.

I was never physically abused in the sense, but I was raised to be a barrier between my Parent and those around us. I know what it is like to want to protect your siblings or those you love- sometimes it is difficult looking around and realizing the people around you don't really need protecting right now, and that's okay. It is all about finding a balance between the survival instincts and lessons that you learned, and learning to relax and enjoy the simple things in life.

Hope this helps, sorry if it was just a vomit of different cliche stuff XD

[Three Roses]

hello and welcome, esthergrace! we are glad you found us. sometimes it just feels so good to finally be able to say what happened and be heard, that it just kind of pours out of us. you've been silenced too long. no more! we will hear you, we will listen, we will comfort and validate you.

first of all, i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. so painful. and then to have a "friend" treat you that way, adding more pain! how totally hurtful and wrong she was to do that to you.

i've spoken to people too about the things that happened in my past, and they can't or won't get it. but researchers are learning more and more all the time about the effects of trauma on the brain - not just the mind - how memories are stored, and the ways our brain actually makes us relive trauma. if scientists are just now finding out that maybe it's more complicated than "getting over it" and "putting it in the past", we can't expect the people in our lives to understand without some effort.

i'm so sorry to hear what you went thru as a child! you should have been nurtured, held, and built up instead of being beaten and yelled at. it is especially troubling to me to hear that people do this to their children and call it godly parenting, because it's not. many of us here struggle with the concept of forgiveness. sometimes, we can't forgive. maybe you'll get there, maybe not. but it's not always possible to call up forgiveness out of the depth of your pain.

e said that if that were really true - if he really did beat us up - then we wouldn't be standing. yet i remember so vividly every event.

it was true. he did mistreat and abuse you, physically, emotionally and verbally. he doesn't have to remember, he doesn't have to validate it. you know, and we know.

here i am, in my own house with a loving partner and i find myself feeling worse than ever.

i know this feeling! it's kind of like waiting for something to happen that you know is going to, it's inevitable - and it doesn't come, doesn't come, and your anxiety builds & builds. if your partner treats you well, i am glad for you! but the torment goes on inside your head and you're trying to turn away from the things that quiet your mind. it gets easier! you're doing an amazing job.

i'm tired of pretending to the rest of the world that i'm ok and that i'm recovering, because deep down i just feel angry all the time. mainly because my mother denies all of this, my dad denies all of this, and my brother is so laid back that he has been able to just let it go.

maybe your brother has completely dissociated too. he may not be so laid back, he may be just in total denial. i'm betting that he hasn't been able to let things go so much as just stuff them down deeper.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for at least taking the time to read all of this. i feel like i can't really explain my ordeal without explaining a watered down version of all of it.

that's why this forum exists, to give a voice to people who want to express how they feel but no one will listen. of course you know a therapist will listen, we pay them to listen but it's not the same as having a friend tell you "i understand". you are right, it has shaped how you deal with things. but there's good news there because, since it's learned, it can be UNlearned.

i can tell you the things that help me - quiet time is essential, warm baths, candlelight; a thing called "mindfulness"; journaling; but the last thing i want to do is overwhelm you even more. i am fully confident that, since you're here on the forum and seeing a therapist, you are on the right track to healing. you will find your way! we each have our own tools, and in reading our stories i hope that you will be inspired to create your own healing and accept kindness from others, because there are people out there who will be good to you. one thing at a time - we say "baby steps" here a lot! but it's true, take just one small step now, and don't overwhelm yourself by trying to "get it all out" at one time. we'll be here, listening and cheering for you all the way.

[meursault]

Sorry to hear about the terrible times you had growing up.

I agree with Three Roses.  I think t's important to find ways to nurture yourself.  I spent the next twenty years after leaving home either hating myself, or attempting to minimize how badly it all hurt me, and wasting my time trying to feel better with distractions, drinking, or getting into relationships, both romantically and with friends, which were unhealthy.  I hope you find good, caring people to surround yourself with!

For me, I wish I had started earlier doing a lot of those little things.  Treating myself to a relaxing night at home, guilt free, nurturing myself etc.  That sort of stuff.  I think that stuff is really helpful.  Just allowing myself to have moments where I can say "I am allowed to not hate myself for a while".  Mostly, therapy is what I need, with a gentle and loving therapist.  Other than that, it's just trying to live, and trying not to beat myself up with the inevitable slides and falls.  Finding and keeping good friends has been a life saver, though I'm feeling pretty alone at the moment!  Follow your interests.  Even if you aren't good at something yet, you may be, and maybe part of you is telling you something, wanting you to try it.  I camp, kayak, draw, play different musical instruments, do wood working, a couple of sports etc for instance.  Just with this good therapist, I finally found someone I trusted enough to tell the details of growing up, and now I find I need to write quite a bit, processing and articulating this stuff.  It's pretty repetitive.  But helpful too!

Mostly, I guess, try to be kind to yourself.  I've spent a lot of years feeling worthless and inferior and hating myself.  I wish I had spent more time pecking away at that with little moments of self-care.

Anyhow, I'm pretty lost myself, but that's what I think...

Meursault

[esthergrace]

@kxcobra @threeroses @Meursault
thanks for replying and sharing some of the things you use to help with everything. my biggest worry was that I wrote too much and no one would respond so thank you! it feels like a weight has been [slightly] lifted knowing there are people who understand.
I guess for so long I have wanted to be free that now it has i'm lost and find myself doing the things my dad used to do to us (mentally beating myself up, not allowing myself to relax with anything, being ocd about everything etc) . At the same time I feel like I've lost my drive because my entire life I've been doing things for the eventuality of getting physically or mentally abused again, so now I don't really know what I do enjoy, or I feel like i'm slacking off by not training because I could get hurt again and be unprepared.
and what makes it worse is that I've not been working for a long time and a lot of people look down on that because they say you're a scrounger or lazy etc. so I never allow myself to relax because I feel judged all the time. grr!!!

anyway, I see my therapist soon so I will discuss some of the suggestions you have made like trying to find things I enjoy etc. and thanks again for responding and welcoming me. I hope at some point I can help you as much as you've helped me today <3 <3 

[sanmagic7]

hey, esthergrace,

so glad you made it here.  i just want first to acknowledge your history, how horrible it was, how horrible to have it denied, and how horrible it feels to believe it's going to be there again and you must be ready for it.  i've been told in so many ways that i should just put it in the past, and look to a new future without abuse.  those people don't understand the layers of traumatic dynamics that happen within the realm of chronic abuse.  they're not easily put aside or let go of.  with help, patience, support, and time they can be worked through, however.  i hope you can give those to yourself.

i don't doubt you're angry!!!  you've got plenty to be angry about.  one thing i learned about forgiveness, which really helped me a lot, is that it's not something to be forced.  if it's not there at the moment, that's ok.  maybe someday it will be there, maybe not, but either way, your other emotions, including anger and hate, are valid and deserve to be felt, explored, and eventually resolved.   look to what is real for you first - the rest will come in its time.

i hope you get some comfort and relief from your therapist.  not all of them know about c-ptsd, so not all of them understand what it means to someone, what it takes from someone or the pressures it can add to someone.  i hope you can find some of the support and help you need on this forum like i have.  some of this will seem messy, some of it will seem like it's two steps forward and one step back (or even vice versa at times!) but all of it will be progress, all of it is valid, all of it counts.  as do you.  big hug.