Cc's Journal

[Cc]

So this has become the place for me in recent months where I have come for validation and understanding. I mostly read others posts and nod in agreement about feelings and challenges. I have been overwhelmed and inspired by the honesty and courage demonstrated by users of this site and I felt it was time for me to share my story as I enter a new chapter of my recovery.

I no longer want to be alone in this life.  For the first time since being a young girl I want to connect ... I want to receive from others.

Ive been actively in recovery for 5 years now, its taken a long time to break down the walls erected by my inner child and build a trust with myself.  Finally  over the past year I feel Ive been getting to the core of my issues.

A bpd mother/npd father caused me countless episodes of betrayal, abuse, ongoing rejection and abandonment. This start set me up for invalidating and abusive relationships in adulthood at all levels.

I dont feel it neccessary to detail all the hurt extensively now, Ive processed a lot of it, Im more interested in the fact that I gave up on connecting with other people about aged 7... that just saddens me immensley. I focused on meeting the needs of others and overcompensated for my lack of connections with schoolwork.

I know I have developed great strengths from my multiple traumas...but Im ready for the new... Im happy to leave my abusive history firmly in the past and although I continue to experience episodes of anxiety and pain I feel myself opening.

Ive been connecting more with others on a daily basis instead of wrapping myself up and boxing myself up -i know this was neccessary for me to do, but its been nice to chat in general with people instead of continually iscolating myself. 

My existing relationships have also improved. I dont want to pursue connecting with my FOO anymore, they are either stuck in their illnesses/unhealthy patterns or are just unwilling to be present and healthy. Im letting go of the shame of not actually liking my parents that much, they are abusive and hurtful people and I dont need to see them out of obligation. Im willing to send cards / thd odd text but it doesnt make me happy to be around people who have been so repeatedly and consistently unkind, unsupportive and unloving to me.

I felt really ill with flu in work this week and actually opened myself to receive comfort from my co-workers. It was nice and not at all scary, this was a huge step for me I actually felt myself being comforted by a hug and feeling safe with it.

Such a small episode symbolises a shift for me.... the possibility of connecting and enjoying fullfilling relationships at all levels... I am hoping that I will continue to risk receiving (thats more of an issue than giving for me)  and will keep updating !!!

[sanmagic7]

and what will you allow me to give you, cc?  a hug to start.  warm wishes for continuing on the path you've chosen to put your abusive past behind (unless something comes up that needs to be dealt with anew),    acknowledgment of the courage you are showing by ending your self-imposed isolation (i know it was a survival tactic) and beginning to reach out to others.   compliments on your determination and perseverance to overcome the damage you've incurred while too young to protect yourself.  and, a standing ovation for your truth voice, speaking out about how you really feel.

thank you for posting, for opening yourself up, and for letting me give to you.  you helped brighten my day just that little bit more.

[woodsgnome]

Very well put, Cc  .

I've been on that road so much. Even reached times when it seemed like 'yes--I'm getting there, at last' and run into setbacks which leave me feeling hopeless once more. But somehow the urge is still there to somehow get up and find the road again, as once you see it it's hard to let it go. It's not a mirage, though it can seem like it.

Acute loneliness is my old familiar, so I often go back there. I know why it salves me, even as I realize the walls I build around myself; and why I do it. But as you say, it seems worth it to reach out, as best we can. And sometimes even that best can feel like a blowback and I often retreat to my safe spot. That's okay; it wasn't my fault and it's not my destiny, just a stopping place en route to finding that promise of living pulled from me so long ago, yet still as fresh in memory as if it happened yesterday.

You said: "I know I have developed great strengths from my multiple traumas...". That can be the hardest realization; to acknowledge that there was any good to any of it, ever. But it's indicative of an inside candle that you've nourished and protected from ever being fully extinguished.

So here's to your sharing what you could, here. While this stuff does rise out of places that hurt to revisit, we can make our way out, one step and getting stronger in the process. Once in a while it won't feel like progress, but I guess that's where faith in that process takes over.

Good to see you here...

[Cc]

Woodsgnome, Sandmagic7

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. 😀

[Cc]

I've been having really upsetting emotional flashbacks these past few days.

Its funny because I find that the further down the line I go in recovery the more painful the emotions are.  I get longer periods of joy and happiness. But when I go through strong periods of healing ... like now Its like everything feels so intense... shame, sadness.... deep sadness that I cant shake. I know these are emotional flashbacks and Ive already survived whatever trauma they represent but they sadden me so much, particularly as Its remembering feeling  like I cant take pain anymore and want to give up.

Yet its not only remembering that, sometimes Like today I in the present just cant take any more. Im tired, so tired of what comes with this very long process

When will all of this stop or will this be life? I know that good feelings will come around again but in the moment it just feels so unfair...

Why does my life have to be plauged with these? Why cant I just lead a normal life without all this stuff proping up over and over....

I know its normal to get disheartened ... but this healing stuff is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do... to keep finding the strength to keep going even when the pain is exhausting, I know that I will get back up and fight on but by god its so bloody hard....

[sanmagic7]

man, i hear you loud and clear!!!  this has been the most difficult year of my life.  if it weren't for the support i've gotten, i don't know that i would've made it through. when i'm in the worst places  what i ask is  'please help me make it thru today'.  so far, i've made it to today.  and, yes, tired, so tired, tired to tears and exhaustion at times.  dang!