Being "Shiny"

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Biscuits

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Being "Shiny"
« on: November 11, 2016, 11:55:42 PM »
Hello

Do others relate to this, or have any experience working with it?

I have been reading Pete Walker's book and can really relate to his idea of needing to be "shiny" - that sense that you can only be loveable, of any value, if you are achieving or doing something incredible, due to growing up with the sense that just being normal somehow did not merit value. He also talks about the salvation fantasy, the idea of miraculously attaining this state where you are suddenly perfectly shiny all the time. In the absence of it is a profound sense of sadness, worthlessness and emptiness and a constant gnawing drive to fix yourself.

I know this has been a lifelong pattern for me, one which I feel intense shame and guilt over, even repress, but which is always there. Like a double layer of infection. The hardest part is knowing where to even start, or knowing what it would feel like for things to be different when its all youve ever known.

Worth pointing out at this point, I have had about 10 years of therapy and meds of all different kinds.

EDIT: I missed off the question oops

Biscuits
« Last Edit: November 12, 2016, 01:17:35 AM by Biscuits »

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Manchesterford

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Re: Being "Shiny"
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2016, 09:23:07 AM »
Biscuits,  I have never read the book but what you wrote resonated with me. I've actually used the word!  When I'm feeling low I often feel embarrassed about my appearance,  my belongings,  I worry that I don't look together or like a grown up. 

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Dee

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Re: Being "Shiny"
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2016, 12:05:33 PM »

This is a huge issue for me.  Perfectionism has been a way of life for me.  When I do well and achieve I dismiss my accomplishment and worry that people will find out I am not as good as they think I am.  It has hurt my health and was the reason why I overworked.  Once I had a good reputation I was so scared someone would find out I was really a fraud.  Perfectionism also led to anorexia for me.

I've been asked by my new psychiatrist what I hope to gain in therapy.  It is such a difficult question because I'm not sure what is possible.  I once took a questioner about PTSD and one question was in the last month have I isolated from friends.  I answered no.  The answer would indicate I don't have PTSD but the truth is, I would have to have friends in order to isolate from them.  CPTSD is a whole other world.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Being "Shiny"
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2016, 01:18:50 PM »
hey, biscuits,

this speaks to the essence of what has been my very being.  i was programmed to be 'shiny'.  growing up, c's were not allowed on my report card.  being average was never okay.  i always had to do better, so i always did till i got to the point where i believed i was perfect.

and, when an imperfection did appear (such as a run in my stocking) i explained it away to myself as 'well, absolute perfection is boring, and i hate the thought of being boring, so i allow this flaw, but it only means that i'm perfectly flawed).  since i wasn't allowed to have 'neg.' emotions, either, my being perfect, in my mind, was complete.  i didn't have an inner critic telling me otherwise.  i believed i was perfect, did what was expected of me and more, and when i married hub #2, he also believed i was perfect, so i sat on my throne on my pedestal looking down on everyone else, not letting anything bad get to me. 

i dealt with it all, handled it all, managed it all.  eventually i began to crumple, collapse, and fall apart from the weight of it all.  i am now very sick and exhausted from being perfect.  but, i never had a conscious knowledge of feeling ashamed or 'less than' because my belief in my perfection was complete and didn't allow room for any of that neg. stuff.  not allowed.


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Melodie

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Re: Being "Shiny"
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2016, 02:52:10 PM »
I have had this issue my whole life. For me it wasn't getting good grades or being on the top of my class. I grew up in a very abusive home (physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally, psychologically etc) and all I ever wanted was my mother to love me so I cleaned the house where eight people lived (Mother, Step Father, 3 older brothers and two step sisters) I cooked, I dealt with everyone and even tried to be "there" for their needs that I was getting used for and it all didn't get me any love or any recognition. It actually has gotten so bad that when my father got custody of me and got me out of that situation I tried to kill myself by infection so that I would get recognized from my mother. (Even though she wouldn't have care if she even heard about it.) None of it worked because less than a year after my father got custody of me she sent me two big boxes of junk...papers saying how I would never leave her etc....and dis owned me. I was just a tool in her game for 11 years as I grew up. And the problem of being "shiny" is still a huge problem for me. I try to please everyone around me. It didn't end 8 years ago when I got out of the situation.

I never knew there was a proper term for that ^, but it helps me to know that it is 'something'. Thank you.