Scared at night

[quietdespair]

I was sitting in my living room watching one of my favorite movies at 2am. I like to stay up late because the quiet and peacefulness soothes me. Time when I feel like I am only responsible for myself (not true but it feels that way) is refreshing. My calm was shattered by someone pounding on my front door. Adrenaline dumped into my veins and I do my low-level panicking - who is it, what do they want, it's nothing good, go away, go away, go away!
I mute the TV and I can hear men talking in low voices outside. I have no friends that live within a 50 mile radius and my husband's friends wouldn't dare call on us so late and never on a weeknight - the bigger kids have school. I do not know these people. I creep to the door, silently, listening as hard as I can. I wave my hand in front of the peephole and wait. Were they watching? No. Their conversation continues.
I flip on the porch light and twist the deadbolts, being quick about it, and peer through with the stoniest face I can muster. Trying to look tough, trying to look mean like I'll bite their heads off. "Can I help you?" I inquire, deepening my voice, as always trying to appear as masculine and aggressive when I feel threatened.
The men standing there don't belong. They look rough and mean and, I assume, like a couple of drug addicts that I want nowhere near my family. The tall one with the pockmarked face asks, "Is Pat here?"
I know no one by this name. Scowling at him, I bark, "Wrong house, man."
I quickly shut the door, turned the locks and turn off the light. I can hear them again talking in low voices and I wait until they are gone.
I go sit back down and try to calm myself. Then the fear sets in. What if they come back, what if they think I'm alone and therefore an easy target?
I go to my husband and shake him awake roughly. "Crack heads beating on our door at 2am," I tell him. "Where is the pistol?"
He asks no questions, he knows me well, and tells me where it is. I ask about the bullets because he never keeps them together for safety's sake. He tells me and then adds, "Wake me up if they come back."
I retrieve the gun and ammo and go sit back down with the ammo in my pocket and the gun in my lap. It would only be a matter of seconds to load if they come back. I could be armed before they kick through my door and fill them full of holes before they take two steps into my home.
I sit there, rigid, waiting until the sun is about to come up before I put the weapon back and go to bed. I did not sleep long or well.
I felt silly the next day. I should've known, I say to myself, that they were only stupid enough to beat on a door not to try and break it down.
But I live in a bad area. People get hurt all the time around here. I've seen it. I've witnessed it happen and I've seen the aftereffects. I have three small children here who I never let out of my sight unless school is in session. I've always lived in the ghetto and I've been on the receiving end (as a child) of violence from forces inside my home as well as outside the home. This is not something that i will allow close to my children. My mother was unwilling and unable to protect or fight for me or my brothers. I will not make the same mistakes. My children deserve a safe world to grow up in and I aim to provide that for them.
Maybe I overreacted. Maybe. But no one will touch my babies. I would die before I let anyone touch them. I would kill anyone who dared.
Hypervigilence comes in handy in the ghetto.

[mourningdove]

Wow, that sounds intense! I don't think you overreacted. It's best not to take chances, especially in high crime areas. I'm really sorry that you had to deal with a situation like that.

[Three Roses]

Wow! Sorry you had to deal with that

[sanmagic7]

didn't sound stupid to me, just self-preservation.  who knows what anything could mean in the dead of night.  i think you were brave to do what you needed to do, protecting yourself and your family, breaking the cycle of what you were raised with.  bravo to you, quietdespair.  another warrior woman. 

[Three Roses]

And welcome to the forum, by the way!  Sorry I missed that.

[quietdespair]

 Thank you all for your support and thank you Three Roses for the welcome. 

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

Hi, I am needing some help and QUICK!
So lately my emotional flashbacks have been really awful at night.
I cannot get to sleep, and quite frankly, I am terrified to go to sleep.
Every thought comes and bombards me.  I stay up real late.
I also intensely CRAVE cuddling.
I am trying to get my year younger sister in my bed with me, but she is not able to for some odd reason.

But anyway, has anyone ever experienced this before?
And if you have, could you please write down some advice.
I am just going through a hard spot right now, and advice is appreciated.

Thanks guys, you are the best.

[radical]

I don't know if this is any help to you, but when I need to calm myself I focus on slow abdominal breathing, particularly the out breath.  When I'm anxious my breathing becomes unbalanced, it's too fast and exhaling becomes difficult and not smooth.  I find it best to start by slowly breathing into my belly and breathing out even more slowly through my mouth, as if I we trying to inflate a balloon. Then I move onto breathing through my nose, again slowly and focused on exhaling.  I try to focus all my attention on the breath all the way in and all the way out.  Saying soothing words to myself, like "it will be okay" can help.

There is science behind this as a calming technique.

I hope it helps.  it is so hard when you cant sleep.  I feel for you.

[TwinCinema]

Hey Lapis (nice Steven Universe ref btw), I definitely get your fear. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.
I hadn't realized how commonly trauma affects sleep until reading this thread; when EFs disrupt the night's tranquility, it feels terrifying.

I've dealt with similar sensations before, after days where I've felt triggered in some way.
What I've done to alleviate my thoughts is listen to comforting music or watch something silly on my phone.
I'm real bad at meditation or mindfulness techniques, but I bet that could be an option.

As for the cuddling cravings, if your sister is uncomfortable with the idea, go for a pillow or a stuffed animal.
I held tightly to my plush of Mordecai from Regular Show; you might feel self-comscious, but your comfort takes precedence.

Hope you find the rest you deserve soon!