Another to add to the list

[Sandstone]

Well after this weekend and my bf being drunk and abusive again, i lay awake all Saturday night and realised he has been controlling and manipulating me all along. 18 months in fact.
So while i got onto this path of 'fixing' me in order to have a fulfilling relationship at last, it seems that while iv been identifying the other pds in my life past and present, he got through the net.

Im heartbroken. I chose to ignore the warning signs so its my own fault i know.
He love bombed me so much that i thought id found my soulmate. Classic story apparently duh!

Then he picks and chooses when to give me affection etc as long as im being a good girl sigh 

If iv learned anything its that i will now trust my gut more. I feel like an idiot.

Iv packed his clothes and hes out when he finishes work tonight.
I would have given him more time to find a place but he raised his hand and threatened me yesterday so now he doesnt deserve my sympathy.

Gonna have a damn good cry when the kids are in bed. Glad iv got therapy tomorrow.

I can link the manipulation starting with npdd through to most of my bfs. I no longer trust my judgement regarding partners so will stay on my own until i have worked on it.

[Dee]

Stay strong, especially if he tries to manipulate his way back in.

Two things I have learned recently..

1.  I can only change myself and I cannot change anyone else.  Most people will not change.

2.  My ex will never really understand he did anything wrong.  I have not confronted him, because I am aware of this.  Before we divorced I said I would try if he would go to counseling.  He felt so strongly he didn't have any issues he was willing to walk away instead of looking at himself.  I am so thankful he did, because if he had gone I would of felt obligated.

Also, it wasn't until I got out of the situation with my ex did I really start to understand what happened.  I had some ideas, but still blind in many ways.  From what I have read, that's not so abnormal.  Hang in there, don't give him ground.  SO, SO hard to do.

[Three Roses]

Well said, Dee. I completely agree.

[Sandstone]

Thanks ladies and youre right Dee we can only change ourselves.  I wouldn't have gotten better with him around, i know that.
He asked if we could talk and i said no. We will arrange a time for him to pick up the rest of his belongings but i think ill have someone with me for that.
Iv been ground down before with exes talking me round. One used to keep me awake all night, letting me doze off then saying my name to wake me up and continue talking. Torture.

I have a feeling he could say he'd get help but i know alcoholics say the right things. I need to stay strong.

[Contessa]

Oh Sandstone!

You are an inspiration. Such a hard thing to do. I cannot really add anything to this thread, but your strength is truly... no words.

X

[TimeToShine]

I recently had to tell my boyfriend to leave my apartment a few months after I had finally said yes to his persistent requests for marriage....it was another devastating heartbreak to add to the list.....I finally thought I had found the man I would marry but I had declined his request so many times that not long after I said yes he told me that he had not and could not get over the last no....he had started ignoring me, working late. He wouldn't even say hello to me. But he doesn't understand that I grew up watching a very abusive marriage between my parents and I was deathly afraid of getting married and being trapped in an abusive situation all over again. Your title for my attention and I completely understand the pain of " adding another one to the list" .....my father severely verbally abused me as did my son's father adding physical violence and substance abuse to that. Every relationship I have ever had was destructive and unstable 😞 I'm 31 now and I realize I need help to fix what I'm me keeps putting me in the same situation. You're not alone ❤

[Wanttothrive]

Sandstone, I am rooting for you in taking this stand!  I'm struggling with releasing a parent for their abuse by ceasing contact. My T said to simply repeat  "you wouldn't understand" to them when asked why I want to extracate myself. Then hang up or leave. The therapist says this statement will keep me from becoming entangled, since they will try to get me to come back into their sphere of influence by asking me to explain.

I hope I am half as brave as you. Thank you for sharing this.

[Blueberry]

Hey Wanttothrive, that's a good idea from your T! I too am still struggling in my head with what to convey to all of FOO. It's true, up until now they haven't understood much (a little occasionally but it's been so hard on me getting them to understand these little bits), so why would they change and suddenly understand because I make another effort at explaining??