I want to scream!! *possible triggers*

  • 9 Replies
  • 712 Views
*

Quietone

  • Member
  • 3
    • View Profile
I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« on: November 15, 2016, 12:28:16 AM »
I hate the person I am. I'm shy (but been told I come off as uptight and "think I'm too good to talk to other people) I don't have friends of my own. I often feel left out, I feel like the weird person. One of my family members is pretty much my best friend and seeing how easy it is for her talk to others and make friends is always a reminder of how screwed up I am. I wasn't allowed to have friends as a child. If someone from school called I was beat and called ugly, worthless, and told no one wants to be my friend because I was stupid.
I'm so tired of feeling like there's no hope. I'm so tired of feeling left out, unwanted. I wish I could talk to people.
I'm fortunate to have a S/O who understands social anxiety, and I'm grateful he wants to help...but i can't help but feel he deserves someone better than me. :( i hate these feelings so much.

*sorry for grammar/spelling mistakes and I'm sorry if I rambled!*

*

mourningdove

  • Member
  • 644
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2016, 01:00:08 AM »
Quote
I wasn't allowed to have friends as a child. If someone from school called I was beat and called ugly, worthless, and told no one wants to be my friend because I was stupid.

That's so sad. :( I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What they said wasn't true. You have worth and you deserve to be accepted and respected. I relate to the feelings you have expressed, because I'm the same way around people.


*

woodsgnome

  • Member
  • 1553
  • I did not wish to live what was not life
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2016, 01:20:11 AM »
I'm in the same boat, Quietone. And many people find that hard to believe.

Many tell me I shouldn't be that way, especially if they know I actually was around people, sometimes a lot. And here's one problem--I was an actor, and my best roles often were as an affable sort, friendly and even out-going. Offstage, it didn't work that way at all...my shy avoidant persona automatically took over; the onstage presence was perhaps a sort of wish fulfillment as it sure didn't reflect during off times, and it hurt that people didn't consider the difference; just thought me an odd duck.

Nowadays I don't even have a significant other or many social contacts at all. I'm slowly getting better, emphasis s l o w l y, in part with some crucial help via therapy, but none of this is easy given the rocky start many of us have experienced.

So I hope you can find a way to be yourself, and that you will find others who understand. Actually, you've already done so--you're on this forum, and a lot of people here relate fully with what you're saying.
 :hug:
« Last Edit: November 15, 2016, 01:22:53 AM by woodsgnome »

*

Three Roses

  • Guest
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2016, 01:26:42 AM »
Spelling and grammar aren't important here, but being listened to & heard are.  I'm sorry you were so horrendously lied to when you were young.

We are told these things so that we can be better contained and controlled. It was threatening for them to feel you may find out the truth!

Your Inner Critic - the last vestige of the messages your FOO indoctrinated you with - is wrong about you and your potential. As you reduce its power and distance yourself from it, the IC will begin to lose its hold on you.

You are worthy. There is hope.  :hug:

*

quietdespair

  • Member
  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2016, 02:05:00 AM »
I know how you feel. I've always had a hard time making friends and I was the "weird" one too. I'm sorry that you're struggling still but you are not alone. I wish you all the best. :)

*

joyful

  • Member
  • 174
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2016, 06:18:56 PM »
I am so sorry that you've gone through that. I also know how you feel. I often wonder how ANYONE can stand to be around me. I struggle with that a lot, but one thing that helps me is to remember that I have just as much worth as everyone else and I deserve to be loved at least treated right. I don't fully believe it yet, but I am trying.
People here understand. It is so helpful.

*

bee

  • Member
  • 127
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2016, 04:17:26 PM »
I relate to this as well Quietone. I have social anxiety and have been told in the past that I come off as a snob. Don't know if that is still the case, but the comments have stuck with me. I don't feel like I "fit" anywhere. My mother also told me I was unlikable.

I'm so sorry your mom said and did such awful things to you. She is wrong.

On my good days I think of it this way. Some people have physical disabilities that make it difficult for them to perform certain tasks. Maybe they were born that way, maybe they got injured. They have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. I would never view someone as less than because of this. I have a mental disability that makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I probably wasn't born this way, but was definitely injured by my ubpd/npd/aspd mother. I have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. It sucks, but it doesn't make me less of a person.

This is one of the things I have done to compensate.
Several years ago I picked a group to attend who I shared an interest with. I used the logic part of my brain to watch them, and made sure their actions were kind. Then I attended even though I always felt weird and unsure. Sitting in the meetings would sometimes be torture, as I felt like everyone was judging me. I continued using the logic part of my brain to look at their words and actions objectively to see if I was being treated as less than or weird. It is my way of gathering evidence that i am ok, that others do not hate me just because. Their actions were consistently kind and inclusive. I am now finally having moments when I don't feel totally out of place. I never told the group how I felt, I just did my best to fake it. The evidence I am gathering shows that people are not nearly as harsh, and mean spirited as my mother said they were.










*

JusticeBeaver

  • Member
  • 14
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2016, 08:13:30 PM »
I'm sorry that we all seem to have to go through the same thing - feeling as outsiders. I also feel like I can't connect to people, that I don't deserve my relationship, that other people don't like me. My social anxiety has made people label me as uptight or unfriendly in the past.

I did not socialize with any other children until I went to kindergarten. The only people in my life on a consistent basis in the early years were my malignant NPD mother and possible Histrionic or BPD grandmother. I feel like I don't know how to be like "normal" people, I hold people at a distance and can't seem to form the right words. I tend to think about every social interaction and go over what I SHOULD have said or COULD have said, and then feel sorrow that I didn't or couldn't and shame that I am so weird.

Quietone, it's wonderful that you have a supportive partner, that can make all the difference. Just remember that you have value and matter to people, no matter how you feel about yourself.


*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6013
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2016, 12:36:50 AM »
Just remember that you have value and matter to people, no matter how you feel about yourself.

sometimes it seems that this is so much easier to tell to others than to say it to ourselves and mean it.  yet, it's so true.   i would love to be able to use this as a hug and just embrace people with it, gently, until they can all absorb it, feel it, and finally know it.

*

deptofhearts

  • Member
  • 34
    • View Profile
Re: I want to scream!! *possible triggers*
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2016, 03:06:51 PM »
I will be your friend!!! I bet you are awesome, and from reading your words and hearing your heart you ARE awesome. Your responses and fear are totally understandable from what has happened to you, its ok to be quiet. 
Have you worked through any self help books? Or talked to a good-enough therapist? I highly recommend Pete Walkers from Surviving to Thriving. Its helping me with my social anxiety which includes keeping people at bay as they don't seem safe.
You aren't alone! XX
« Last Edit: December 05, 2016, 03:18:19 PM by deptofhearts »