The silver lining is standing up to abuse. I don't think there is any way I will tolerate being degraded again, and I'll always recognise the signs, maybe not in the moment, but pretty damn soon after. I know to take action to protect myself, to not be drawn into the force-field.
That people can and do seek to destroy others this way, Contessa, that they are aided and abetted by others in doing so, that this is what is considered "winning" - it makes others so afraid and compliant. We weren't - that must be a silver lining. There are some lines in a song I don't particularly like "Everybody see you blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow". It is beyond frustrating that others choose the soothing balm of wilful blindness. I "knew" things before, but now I really know, and I won't forget again, not for any length of time.
I often find it hard to deal with my rage, but I was looking out the window a couple of weeks ago, from a really good place in myself and saw the character I've called "Reverend Dingbat" a few storeys below, she was helping an elderly person out of a car and I felt warm towards her. She's an ignorant fool who will never have the integrity or wisdom to ever admit to herself that she was a key part of mobbing a good person who had done nothing wrong, that she allowed herself to be used as a weapon in vicious social aggression. She'll keep on blundering around in her comfortable bubble. But that's what it is - a bubble - a safe comfort zone protecting reality from intruding. When I saw her while feeling safe and calm in myself, I genuinely wished her well, because she's not a bad person, just a weak one. That's a silver lining, I'm still human.
A couple of days ago, I spent some time with a couple of really good people and it felt great. Then, I ran into someone from my Qi Gong class and laughed with him about navigating the Christmas supermarket frenzy. I felt natural and open. I wasn't trying to be anything, I was feeling stressed by Christmas, shared a moment, laughed.
I'm alive, I haven't lost my soul (whatever that is), part of going through this has been a greater appreciation of what's good and what matters. If I can rally myself, I can trust my instincts, if I can rebuild, I know what I'm looking for and what I want to keep away from, even though it's just a feeling at the moment, I hope it will crystalise into solid plans and intentions.
I don't know what the future holds, but I made a conscious choice, I could have crawled away, instead, I faced my worst fear. that's a silver lining.
I've read a bit about mobbing. It becomes an ugly contagion, it happens throughout the animal kingdom. Deliberately manipulating others to psychologically "stampede" and trample a perceived enemy into the ground, that is depraved. We survived it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOWrpQP5JBwThis is a song that soothes me because I find it so heart-breaking. It is a Bowie song from my childhood sung by Michael Stipe and Karen Elson at a memorial. I don't know what it is about it, but somehow a song written about kicking heroin "strung out in heaven's high, hitting an all time low" expresses something of how I feel. Which makes no sense.
I wanted to share it because for some weird reason, it captures the loneliness.
