dilemma

[sanmagic7]

my best friend of about 20 yrs.  we used to work together, she came to mexico, lived here for 7 yrs., got sick, and had to go back to the states.  she's been back there about 8 yrs., has discovered she also has c-ptsd.

for much of this relationship, i have been there for her, unconditionally.  i'm now seeing everything in a different light, and i'd love feedback, perspective, suggestions, anything that comes to mind.

i've had a very rough year.  i visited her several months ago mainly because of a pre-planned theater date, spent 2 weeks, but was coping with an enormous ef, and didn't go to all the places she wanted me to go.  i knew i'd disappointed her.  we live across country from each other.

she's been wanting to come back here to visit for a long time, and last month she said she was ready to come, spend the holidays here.  because of my living arrangements and my hub's work schedule, it wasn't going to work out for her to stay with us.  i offered to pay for a motel while she was here, gave her an amount that i felt i could afford.  she'd told me to save my money cuz she was coming without very much.   i also told her she could use my car while she was here, but that i wouldn't be able to be her 'playmate' very much because of how sick i've been feeling.

my hub and i hit a rough patch, she knows him, and i confided in her as one best friend to another.  i found out a few days later that she went behind my back and messaged him on fb, saying she was worried cuz of what i'd told her, and was he ok.   by that time, he and i had some great talks and things were better than ever, and he told her that, told her not to worry.

she then told him that because of the way i was and his and my situation, she had told me that she wasn't going to come down after all, that she was working on getting healthy and that it would be too stressful for her to be here.  she told him that she was sad becuz she wanted to see his best friend with whom she has a special relationship.  they had lived together for a spell while she lived here.

when she wrote to me that she wasn't coming down, she said she was both mad and sad.   she left out the 'mad' part when communicating with him.  my hub lets me use his fb page, and i had messaged her 'hey'.  she wrote back 'i love you, but i feel like i've been punched in the stomach.  give me some time, i'll get back to you soon.'

i feel angry, betrayed, and not trusting of her now.  i value friendship a lot, and i can't imagine going behind my friend's back after she'd told me about problems in her relationship to ask her partner (even if he was my brother) if he was ok, that i'd heard about what had happened between them from her.

the other part of this is that she has a ptsd service dog, which is normally allowed on public transportation.  when i mentioned the mex. buses, she said that service dogs are recognized universally.  well, i don't trust mex. much, and asked my hub to find out next time he went to the city where she'd be connecting from the amer. bus to the mex. bus.  they told him absolutely not, unless it was a dog for the blind.

after i'd told her this, she then began thinking of her special friend's kids who come down to visit him over christmas (the town is 125 mi. away - more than a cab drive).  everything w/ his kids had changed this year, partners, friends, no idea what they were going to do or when they'd plan to leave there (it's a border town) to come here, or how long they'd stay.  nothing substantial at all.  and i know that flights have to be booked pretty soon because of the holidays.  essentially, it had turned out that she actually couldn't even get to our town.

so, i'm also ticked off that she's even putting a hint of a whisper of blame on me and my health and the rough patch with my hub that would stress her out for her not coming here when, in actuality, she can't get here, period.  it doesn't matter how i feel becuz she can't frickin' even get here!  he and i have talked about this, he said he thought she'd betrayed me and that it was wrong to include me in her equation for not being able to get here.

so, now i'm sitting with all these emotions, waiting to hear from her (4 days now) and really in a quandary as to whether i should write her and tell her what i think.  this kind of thing has happened before between us, especially when men were involved, but i always swallowed it, allowed it, supported her, and let it lie.  my truth voice doesn't want to ignore this anymore, even if it means losing her as a 'friend'.  my hub said, 'with friends like that, who needs enemies'.  feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, on the horns of a dilemma, in a pickle, and any other euphemism you can think of.   

since i also have problems w/ knowing my emotions, i'd like to check in on if anyone thinks i'm overreacting or out of line with how i'm feeling.   any thoughts?

[sanmagic7]

when i think of it, i've gotten more kindness from people in this forum who don't know me in 6 mos. than i have from her in 20 yrs.  have i screwed myself in this relationship?

[radical]

Hi Sanmagic,

You are not overreacting at all.  I can understand you reevaluating your friendship in light of this outrageously bad behaviour.  What an awful betrayal.  It sounds like she is angry with you.  She has certainly undermined you with your husband and betrayed your trust.  You must feel terrible.

I'd wait until the worst of the anger has died down before responding, so you can be sure you are responding rather than reacting.  I hope you are able to communicate your feelings and be heard and responded to in a way that can restore your trust.  If I were, you that would require her taking responsibility and giving a full and genuine apology, and back that up by not repeating this kind of behaviour.  She should also be asking you how she could make this up to you.

You have given a lot to this friend, not just in the past, but in this time of her current need.  You are unwell and suffering, this is a vulnerable time.   You have a right to expect better, imo.

[sanmagic7]

you darling, darling person, radical!  how very validating and supportive - tears of relief and gratitude are streaming down my face.  loads of love pouring out of my words right now.  thank you so much.  so very, very much.

i'd made a draft of what i want to say (email), and ran it past my hub to check for anger bursts, but he thought it was simply honest.   (i've already pounded my bed 2 days ago).  yes, i do indeed feel terrible, even more so than i knew.  you opened that up for me, and i so appreciate it.

i'm at the point where i don't much care what she might respond.  pretty much done.  and, i would be surprised if she took all that responsibility.  but, you helped me see all this more clearly.  for that i'm so appreciative. 

[Three Roses]

I agree with radical. At this stage of the game, you need people who will help make things better, not worse. Yes, an awful betrayal, and worse for its timing.

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear 3 roses.  i can't tell you how much this has lifted a terrible worry off my shoulders, wondering if i'm being harsh because she's going thru this recovery as well.   i've told her about this forum, and i was worried about her seeing this post, but my hub told me he wishes she would, so she could see these responses.  i'm so glad i posted about this - you help me so much to stay on track.  thank you again.  much love and gratitude.

[sanmagic7]

thanks to you, i sent her an email yesterday.  it was straightforward.  i read it to my hub first, he thought it was fine.  at the end of it, i told her to give me a holler if she decides to take responsibility and make this right.   so, it's done.   you gave me the strength to do this, and i don't regret it, no matter what the outcome.

i haven't checked my emails yet this morning, but if i get a response, i'll let you know.  thank you for the validation and helping me see this clearly.

[meursault]

I think you did the right thing.  She betrayed your trust, in talking behind your back, in not being open with you, in not telling you of plans in the other city.  In and of itself, I think it's not unforgivable if she recognizes it and apologizes (for me it wouldn't be at least), but without that, how can you trust her in the future?

She might be going through things, but so are you.  Just last week, I had to own up to the fact that it wasn't the responsibility of the woman hosting that party  to make it possible for me to go.  She's a friend, and it hurt me quite a bit, but it was wrong of me to expect her to think of everything!  I'm not doing well at all, but that doesn't give me an "out" for making her feel bad about it.

I think it's good you sat on the email a bit before sending.  It's so easy to just react.

Hopefully she sees the bad treatment and finds a way to repair things.  It's up to her now.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

thank you, dear meursault, for your validation and support.  i really appreciate it.

she wrote back, and came out swinging.  defended everything she said and did as concern for me, and has put total blame on me for not coming here, called me 'high-maintenance' (which i think is kind of cruel), said that i didn't give her anything but neg. info (well, yeah, like her service dog couldn't ride on the bus from the border to here), didn't give it in a timely manner, said she would've found a way to get here because she has resources. 

but, because a  week ago i was pretty messy about me and my hub, she decided that this wasn't a good environment for her to be in because she's doing some heavy work on herself and it would be too stressful.  she also mentioned something about how my 'confidantes' bolstered me in the way i wanted to think.

i'm pretty tired of it, actually.  she brought up again about how she has no one to help her, run errands for her, etc. like my hub does (this has been an ongoing theme in our relationship every time i've had a man in my life and she didn't).  i think i'll respond once, and leave it be.  but i won't get involved again without an apology (and she told me that if i was waiting for one, it would be a while).   

i'm thinking this relationship has about run its course.  i'm tired of the envy, the jabs, the lack of kindness and acceptance of me for who i am.   i'll write drafts before i send anything.  right now i'm pretty upset about it, but it's really pretty much what this relationship has been about all these years.  this email from her kind of sums it up.  i'm not even all that sad about it right now, just mostly resigned that it's one more relationship i've been in that's given me a little while i feel i gave a lot.  (maybe i'm delusional, but my hub sees it like that, too).  then, when i'm in need, when i'm not all happy and shiny (as someone wrote about), it's my fault that someone can't do something they want to do.  so be it.  i appreciated the bolstering!

[Three Roses]

 

[radical]

also from me

[meursault]

Sorry to hear that, but then again, I think maybe it's better for you, no?  I've found when that sort of thing happens, there's a sort of "relief" and a grim calm like the fundamental me can stop being on guard with that person.  Don't know if you experience anything like that.  sounds like she attempted to use a couple of common weapons on you: guilt, transfer of responsibility, and passive aggression.  Glad you had good boundaries with her!

Meursault

PS.  Did other people find they couldn't connect here yesterday?

[Three Roses]

Yes meursault, I couldn't connect until last night.

[sanmagic7]

i couldn't connect the day before.

thanks, meursault, for labeling those behaviors for me.  i didn't even think of that, except for her trying to make me responsible for the results of her choices.  yeah, the guilt thing, and i completely missed the passive-aggressive.   and it is like a grim realization placed in front of my face, but a relief in finally seeing whole and clearly.

so, contemplating this response from her, it truly is akin to a microcosm of our relationship.  not that i've been faultless, of course, but my hub also knows her, has seen what's she's done and heard what she's said re: me in our relationship, and we talked more about it yesterday.  i've decided that communicating with her would be fruitless.  i could easily refute every one of her accusations/assumptions (i keep all my emails), and thought that that's what i'd do.  on second thought, i acknowledged to myself that saying anything to her, no matter what i could bring to the conversation to back up what i had to say, it would be like talking to my narc daughter.   she doesn't understand the language so she won't get it.

placing blame on me for her decisions is what i think tops it all.  her choices, her decisions, her results all lie with her, not with me.  in her response, she justified going behind my back by bringing up the time when she left here, how i had gone behind her back and called her mom because she was so sick (she was taken to the hospital by ambulance, spent 5 days there on heavy antibiotics) and i knew she needed 24/7 care that i couldn't give her.  so, her daughter came out, cared for her for 2 weeks, then they packed her stuff and went back to her hometown in the states.  besides being sick, she was out of a job, no prospects, and nearly out of money.  she said that i had made her leave her home (here) where her heart was by getting help from her family.  when i thought on that, i realized that she could have thanked her daughter for coming, for her care, and said she wanted to stay.  but, she chose to go.  so, i don't see that as my fault, either.  as my hub told me last night 'all you did was save her life'.

i think that, if i feel good enough, i'm going to visit my daughter in the pacific northwest for christmas instead.  my hub is all for that idea, and i haven't spent a major holiday with her since i moved here.  it would be nice to experience an american christmas again.  it's so very different here.

so, i'm gonna let my friend(?) go, just let it all go.  i don't have the time or energy for this b.s. anymore.  if that's how she wants to play in a relationship, she can go play with someone else.  like the dealers in vegas, i just clapped my hands, held them up, and backed away from the table.

thank you to all you wonderfully caring people.  love you all.  you helped make this so much easier for me.    so appreciated, i don't have the words.   moving on . . .

[meursault]

Woohoo to you!  Probably feels pretty good to exercise healthy boundaries!

Meursault