Not that bad...or?

[DreamingDutchie]

I became severely depressed at the age of 13. I'm 17 now. I'm also struggling with eating problems and self-harm.

Yesterday I was struggling to not dissociate, so I started searching online for some ways to help me ground myself. I had been struggling with dissociation for quite some time but recently it had gotten less. That morning some things were really triggering and I just couldn't really come up with coping ways on my own. Anyway, I stumbled across Pete Walker's website. I started reading and recognised so much of what was being described. Emotional flashbacks, abandonment depression, the 4Fs, etc. However I've never really been abused or neglected. When I was younger my parents were busy with my twin brother a lot because he had a lot of problems. I felt that when I was struggling a bit it wasn't significant enough to mention to my parents because they were busy with my brother. I didn't wanna bother them. But it wasn't like they always ignored me, it just felt a little like it. My parents also used to fight a lot (and sadly they still do). It has never gotten physical, just screaming at each other, slamming doors, ignoring each other. But they tried not to do it in front it us. I spend a lot of evenings while they were fighting in my bed, curled up, crying because I felt unsafe, but they never took it out on me so it wasn't that bad and I didn't really have a reason to be that scared. I've also been bullied throughout primary school but never that badly. 
Now if my parents (or other people for that matter) fight I will feel exactly the same small vulnerable unsafe child as I used to be. And when my parents give but remotely more attention to my brother I can become extremely jealous but also very upset. But I feel like I can't be struggling with this because it's not half as bad as anyone else on here. Anyway I guess I'm just looking for some validation and a place to at least write down what I'm struggling with.

[DreamingDutchie]

Also, sorry if this isn't the right place to post this.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, DreamingDutchie! I'm glad you found your way here and joined the forum.

The circumstances you endured are every bit as traumatic and damaging as any other type of abuse, or even more so. Pete Walker says, "It appears to me that just as many children acquire CPTSD from emotionally traumatising families as physically traumatising ones." (Page 89, "From Surviving To Thriving".)

In fact, the title of Chapter 5 is "What If I Was Never Hit?" In this chapter, he looks at denial and minimization of the trauma of abandonment and neglect, which is made worse by the survivor's own minimization of his abuse and the damage it caused.

No one here will invalidate your pain. We know the pain words can cause, the damage they can do, which in many ways can outlive the pain of physical abuse.

You are worth the time and effort it will take to learn more and to overcome the damage! And we're here to listen and help. Thanks for joining us! 

[meursault]

I spent a lot of years minimizing the stuff growing up.  I just wrote a poem in my journal thread about that. 

There has been a blessing in the horribleness of killing my Dad.  I can SEE how bad that is, but the impulse has been to minimize it, and  tell myself it's not THAT bad.  There have been a lot of people invalidating and dismissing me about it as well.  Within weeks of his death, I was having all my family, and many friends lecturing me to "just get over it".

In a way, it helped me to open up to the good therapist I see and tell her everything about growing up.  My thinking was that if there are people who can accept that the stuff with my Dad was traumatic, surely there are people who can help and validate the stuff from my Mom and sisters growing up, because that was so much worse.

I wasn't hit very often, and there is only one instance of SA I can recall.  Still, that therapist said "what you experienced was such horrific abuse", "you were abused in so many ways" and things like that.  And the less good, but still good therapist said "you were living in a concentration camp" and "It's like you have Stockholm Syndrome with women, especially abusive ones".  It was the emotional abusiveness growing up that hurt me so badly.  The night I was trapped under my Dad's corpse was terrible, and very traumatic, but it's secondary to the terror and sense of wrongness and worthlessness instilled in me by my Mom.

Part of the abuse/neglect is that we were taught it's normal, I think.  We learn that's the right way for the world to work, so we minimize our own pain, thinking that's the problem.  It isn't, though.  You suffered in your family, and I think it's bad.   Minimization and denial are doing the abusive work for us after the fact, I think.  You are allowed to have it recognized how much this hurt you.

Meursault

[DreamingDutchie]

Thank you both for your kind and supportive words. 

Today I had therapy again. I have therapy every other week and sometimes every three weeks. I've been seeing her for my depression and I never really told her how much I'm struggle with my past. But mostly due to your encouraging and validating words I finally had enough courage to tell her. It felt good sharing it although I was extremely anxious beforehand. We're gonna talk about it more next time but she was really validating. I'm glad she understood that this is something I've been struggling with for a long time. And she didn't pressure me into opening up about everything straight away.

Again, thank you so much for your replies. It just makes me feel a bit normal I guess, knowing I'm notbthe only one struggling and that I'm not crazy or exaggerating.

[meursault]

That's good news!  I'm happy for you!!!  It's nice to find a therapist who actually validates what we feel.