Is this me??!!

[Needtorecover]

I had never heard of CPTSD before and found it on the Internet after looking into the medication I have been prescribed.

I feel like a weight has been lifted after reading some of the threads on here -  this is me so much and I feel confused/relieved/until understood and so much more.

I was abused by my older brother for years,  I have always felt it couldn't be abuse as he is only 2 years older than me.  I know of everything that took place but I can't remember how I felt at the time. I know there was disassociation as I still do that now.  When everything stopped I was diagnosed with depression and have suffered from it ever since (24 years) I feel weak and a failure for not getting over things.  I still think daily about the abuse and it has never left me for a day.  Ever single part of my being has been affected and I don't know who I am.  I am so confused and can't understand why I still feel like this after so much time.  I want help but don't know where to go.  I suppose it doesn't help as my parents found out about the abuse last year and believe it never happened,  my brother has told them and the rest of my family I am a lier.  My parents have never said they love me since they found out and the rest of my family will no longer speak to me.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, needtorecover! I'm happy to meet you.

Minimization is really common among us; and among our FOO's, denial is just as common. No one wants to believe horrible things about family, or their own role in abuse.

I am so confused and can't understand why I still feel like this after so much time.  I want help but don't know where to go.

Take your time, go slowly and be sure not to rush. Believe it or not, you can do more damage by trying to rush thru things. Read and research here, ask questions. http://www.pete-walker.com/ is another excellent source of info. More than one of us (maybe all of us) has been told we should "be over it by now" or some such nonsense. But it's not because we're hanging on to it; it's because we were wounded and it's never healed properly.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here, and thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

hey, needtorecover,

i've heard that song and dance about 'just let it go', 'why do you keep bringing it up?', can't you just drop it and move on?' and more.  that's ignorance of what this beast is about.  like i explained to my hub, (i think he gets it now), i don't go there, i get pulled there against my will.  i don't want to relive/remember/re-feel all the bad stuff!  it just happens before i'm even aware sometimes.

i love what 3 roses said about these are wounds that haven't healed.  they're still raw, open, sensitive to the touch.  and we don't always know what's going to touch them, what's going to open them up again, what's going to make us be in pain again.

it sounds like you're new to this, so i'll echo the sentiment about going slowly.  i don't know if you're in therapy, but it's helped a lot of us.  so has the support and kindness and understanding on this forum.  i'm really glad you made it here.  be as kind to yourself as you can while you explore this new continent you've discovered.  it can be big and overwhelming.  a little at a time usually works best.   standing with you - you're not alone.

[radical]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you have been further harmed by your parents.  People can be so cruel.

Don't feel bad about not being "over it". That toxic judgement about people who have been damaged by the actions of others that should have been trustworthy, "getting over it " is a hindrance to real  healing.  It's part of the denial - the wider community wants to turn a blind eye, so they needn't be too troubled bu reality, so they needn't take responsibility.  Other parts of the system of denial are - what can't be denied is minimised, justified, and the vicitimised person, blamed.

Turning a blind eye means nothing ever changes.  Healing is the antithesis of turning a blind eye.  You never deserved what happened or to not receive love, support and protection as a result.

[Dee]

So I have done research as to why I have yet to get over it.  There are many things, but mostly what I found is; if untreated at the time it continues to get worse and is very often a lifetime of negative effects (don't I know it).  24 years is not unusual, it is still so raw.  I also feel as I am more settled and less focused on young life, it creeps up worse than ever.  I no longer have the distractions of a 20 year old trying to survive.

Also, my family disowned me.  There are different reasons for everyone.  I didn't have a large family but my sister is all about denial.  We don't talk about it now, but she didn't talk to me for a year.  She says "don't think about it, it never happened."  It isn't working well for her.  She is close to rock bottom right now and left home 35 years ago.  My dad went to prison and my mom stuck by him not to be deported and for financial reasons.  My dad and I don't talk.  I have a bad relationship with my mother.  My sister's relationship with me is complicated.  The worse part is when my family started talking to me it was clear that it was an act of forgiveness.  It is hard feeling like they think I am beneath them.  At times, I think I would be better off without them then to be treated like I am not an equal.  It is just not easy, no erasers or magic wands.  For me I am working hard in therapy.  I know there is more to life and I want to find it.

You are not alone, certainly not here.

[jennyjenny]

The worse part is when my family started talking to me it was clear that it was an act of forgiveness.  It is hard feeling like they think I am beneath them.  At times, I think I would be better off without them then to be treated like I am not an equal.

I relate very much to what you just said. Thank you.   

I am 3 years NC with my siblings (parents both passed away). I can say that it is sadly true for me, I have found that I am better off without them, and that I now get to choose who I share my time with - only those who treat me like an equal.

[Elphanigh]

Hi needtorecover, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I am glad you have found this place, it sounds like you can learn and grow a lot from the support here. I wanted to offer some validation that not everyone can give. I too had an abuser that was not much alder than me, he was a really close friend of mine and only 3 years older than me. I can tell you form experience that it is hard to make sense of, but it is completely reasonable to call it abuse. I have felt that confusion and still kind of do, but I promise you your feelings are completely valid and important. I believe you, and wish that your family had. You will find a lot of support here and it sounds like there are pieces of our stories that are similar.

Feel free to post and ask question etc. I hope to be able to help and support you through this new journey. I will echo everyone else, got slowly. I have tried to rush, it is more damaging everyone is very right. I tried to jump in and heal when I was 19 and did entirely too much. You will get there just be kind to yourself. Best of luck and lots of hugs if you like them. 

[Blueberry]

Needtorecover, welcome on here.
Your post moves me so much. I used to think almost daily about the abuse too, especially the sexual abuse, which I couldn't tell anybody about - too ashamed - but had no way to process it. Being in therapy for years has reduced that. Time all by itself doesn't heal this kind of wound, so please don't feel like a failure, you're not! We need help with recovery. OOTS is a great place for that. I hope you feel as much support here as I do! I still feel that the abuse done to me has affected every aspect of my life.

Abuse by a sibling who's only a bit older is real too. I was physically and emotionally abused by a brother who is about 2 years older. That counts, it was real. It was devastating. My parents were at fault too for allowing it to happen and for allowing the family dynamic to be what it was, but my brother did wrong too. Not all older siblings have it in for their younger siblings. Sometimes they actually protect them instead. Therapists used to discount this abuse, because there was not much difference in age, but I guess therapists are learning, or at least trauma therapists are learning. I was sexually abused by a different family member, not this brother.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through with your family not believing you, calling you a liar and not speaking to you. I believe you.