A Letter to My Inner Critic [Trigger Warning]

[Milarepa]

Dear Contempt,

Thank you.

When I was little, you were an adaptation. You were my little self's first attempt at believing I had control.

"Just stop being inconvenient and difficult, and she'll stop screaming," you said.
"Just stop disappointing him, and he'll stop criticizing."
"Just be normal and you'll have friends," you said.
"Just be perfect and they'll love you."

You told me that I could make it stop, and I believed you.

You told me that it was within my power to change things; and I lapped it up because I was trapped and powerless with parents and teachers and peers who weren't anywhere near safe enough. That truth was much worse than the relatively comfortable fiction you provided me.

You and I got through all the years of torment together and then some. You gave me the illusion of control and I gave you my unwavering attention.

I had no power then, but I do now.

It's hard to be at a point where you've outlived your useful purpose. I can imagine that you're clinging to the way things have been because change is scary. But we've moved on, Contempt. You helped me survive, and now we've moved on.

I don't want you to go away altogether. Nobody sees my * quite like you do, and it's useful to have a good inner * detector. But the way things are now - where you drown out every other thought with dismissal and cynicism if I show even an ounce of compassion for myself - is not good for me. You're responding to obsolete programming, old friend. The reign of terror is over. What you're doing isn't protecting me anymore.

I know that you got the way you did out of love for me. It was the only thing we knew how to do to survive when I was very small. Now you have an opportunity to do something else for me, out of love: Just get a little bit smaller today. Let me be nice to myself just a little bit.

You can still call * when you see it; but do it with just a little bit less volume please.

Your old pal,
Milarepa

[Kizzie]

Beautifully written Milarepa, it brought tears to my eyes 

[schrödinger's cat]

Brilliant. 

[Milarepa]

Thanks, loves 

[pam]

"I know that you got the way you did out of love for me. It was the only thing we knew how to do to survive..."

This is how I feel about mine too. He did what he had to do, and still does it, even tho it's not so necessary anymore. He did have good intentions at least--to protect. But at the same time it hurt me too and kept me down. Once I respected his view and gave him credit for "watching out for me" he cooled off quite a bit and loosened the reins he had on me. We are still not all the way there, but he's a lot better now. 

[Badmemories]

Wow that says it all!