joyful's journal

[joyful]

Ok...I think I'm ready to start this...I don't want to go into all of everything that put me in this place where I am now. At this point, I still feel kinda guilty for "blaming" others for what I'm now dealing with. I have to just accept where I am without holding anyone else responsible. at least for now. For now i'm just gonna focus on how to get out of this place rather than how i got here. i'm pretty new at this recovery thing, i'm just trying to pay attention to what i feel and what i need. other than that i don't know what to do.
anyway, I had an aha moment last night. someone that i'm really close to and trust more than just about anyone else keeps offering to buy me something, but for some reason i always wanted to just politely turn them down. i don't want them ot spend money on me, i don't want them to feel like i'm asking them...i was just very uncomfortable of the idea of them spending money on me. yesterday i figured it out though. when i was growing up, we were given all kinds of things and experiences but the money spent on us was like used against us. it was brought up later when a favor was wanted. "what about all these things i've done for you? why are you so selfish and just take without giving anything back? you don't appreciate me at all do you..." i even feel guilty for writing that..... children aren't supposed to pay their parents back for all that they do for them--right? maybe i'm wrong? i'm still learning what "normal" families do and look like. anyway, i realized that i don't want to be expected something back from me later. i know this person wouldn't do that, but i guess that's what i've learned happens: people do nice things for you, spend money/time/energy on you and then they expect some retribution, some compensation, some control over you in return.
so yeah, it seems dumb and obvious looking at it now, but i guess i was pretty excited about it and just wanted to share it.

[Wife#2]

Joyful, that's a great realization! Yes, strings attached to every kind deed get hard to navigate. So, you are naturally suspicious, testing to see where that string is and how bad it'll be if pulled. Most people can trust their gut that if something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Well, not all of us. Some of us have thresholds that are way too high or way too low.

Normal families don't do that to each other. Normal families consider gifts one-way transactions where the 'payback' for the giver is the joy on the receiver's face.

Consider it this way: A healthy Dad gives his healthy daughter, age 8, a new bicycle. She learns to ride, gets good at it and by age 9, she's moved on to basketball. She'll still ride the bike sometimes. Healthy Dad asks daughter one day if she'd like to donate the bike to a needy kid who'll use it. Healthy daughter laughs, admits she doesn't use the bike much anymore and agrees. They load up the bike and donate it. Both feel good with and about each other. No discussion of how little she rode the thing, no talk of the money spent on that bike.

If this person is close enough to be willing to give a gift big enough to concern you, I hope that person is close enough to discuss this with. Not the whole deal, just that you find it hard not to look for strings attached and could this person reassure you, please, that there are indeed no strings. I don't know if this helps, but I hope so.

[joyful]

That is a super good idea! i definitely could talk to the person about it, i honestly hadn't thought of that before. thank you so much for that story, that helped me understand. in my case if i stopped using the bike it would be taken as an insult to the giver...which isn't true.
thank you again

[joyful]

I haven't been on here in a while, but it's definitely good to be back.

Today's just been a little flashback-y and I want to talk about it, but at the same time the fear and shame is stopping me.

(this is probably going to be very triggering) it's probably going to shut me down for the rest of the day, but I gotta write it.

This past little while I've been just realizing slowly all the things that were WRONG with my childhood that I never realized before. One thing that has been on my mind more than others is one thing that happened, I was probably eleven or twelve. I was in a restaurant with my family...dang this isn't easy...I was sitting across the table from my dad. He told me to come over by him so I stood up and walked around the table to next to where he was sitting. He told me he was going to "measure my spine" (does this confuse anyone else?) Ok, one more time this is about to be triggering.
He put his thumbs like on my shoulder blades and his hands wrapped around my rib cage so his fingers were on my chest. It feels so wrong to me, almost repulsive. I'm sorry. I don't know if that's completely inappropriate.. I was at that time, you know, my chest was starting to not be flat. (My mom didn't give me a bra til very late in high school. another reason of shame. I made do with wearing several tank tops.) I was so uncomfortable. At the time I believed him, I didn't think anything was wrong. I thought he was just "measuring my spine", but was holding back tears as I sat back down. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm just overly sensitive... It's hard to believe he had malicious intent, maybe if anyone reads this they'll wonder why I've made such a big deal of it. If that is the case, I'm sorry.
As I think about this event now I am so filled with shame. I don't know what he was meaning to do or why my spine needed measuring. He probably would deny even doing this. It wouldn't be the first time he's lied in that way......
I blocked this from my mind for many years.
I guess it's been good to give it some air but now I am pretty triggered and non functional.

I'm sorry again for posting this. If you've read the whole thing, thank you.

[Wife#2]

  This is your journal, you can type here whatever helps you - even if it's lancing a painful wound.

It doesn't matter if you were being 'too' sensitive. It's how you felt and that makes it valid. Period. He made you feel icky (for lack of a better word). It doesn't even matter if his motives were pure as fresh snow, he made you feel icky and it almost made you cry. Those are your feelings. You're allowed to feel them and you're allowed to express them. Especially here, in your journal!

I'm so sorry this happened to you - at a critical time when a girl needs to know she can trust her Dad. HE broke your trust. I'm so very sorry.

[Three Roses]

What your dad did sounds like a major boundary violation, imo. And in a restaurant! So now add public humiliation to the list - this would have shamed and threatened me too, I don't believe it was a little thing or that you are "too sensitive" (that's just how they trained us so that we were easier to control). Hugs to you.

[joyful]

Thank you Wife2 and Three Roses. Thank you for validating me and my experience. I always find it amazing that this is one of the places where I feel most safe and supported. Thank you both again

[joyful]

(triggers.......)
I finally told someone all that I know about my "stuff"!! This was a huge step for me.
Lately a lot of things have been becoming clearer. Realizing things that I've always known and dealt with aren't just "me", they're a result of trauma and abuse. Things that have always been triggering to me, but I didn't know they were triggering me, that type of thing. Body memories that I've always had, but never recognized. It all started to fit together for me a little bit. I still don't know how old I was, or who it was, but I think I know generally what happened. I thought I was going to spell it out, but now I'm having second thoughts...
anyway, on Tuesday I was with a close friend and had had a rough morning. The night before the rough morning I'd tried to write the disjointed and confused memories and the triggers and stuff. the morning after that my gag reflex was going crazy. I felt constantly like I was choking and I was gagging for a few minutes. (it felt like forever though!) so I was pretty down when I was with my friend. They noticed i kept tugging at the collar of my sweatshirt (and that I was kind of having a breakdown...) I made a vague comment and then everything came out. I told them about all the 'memories" and the triggers and just spilled out EVERYTHING. I was crying really hard, which I usually can't do. They were actually supportive and caring and didn't judge me or leave me because I disgusted them. It was excruciating, but also I feel like a step, maybe just a teeny tiny one, towards healing. I got the poison out. It's not trapped inside me as much. It's still there for sure, but now I have someone else that knows that's outside of me telling me i'm not crazy or insane. Because I constantly feel that way.
I feel like I'm obsessed with finding out the true nature of my sexual abuse. I know some things, I think I have pretty good guesses about other things, and then some things I might never know. So I'm sorry like all my posts lately have been related to SA somehow, it's kinda been what I'm trying to work through...
I've been pretty down the past few days, feeling shame and "low" self worth. (more like non-existent self worth!) But it's not isolated anymore. And that feels good.

[Wife#2]

 

One day you'll be able to hear your own words and know that you are innocent. You committed no crime. Even the reactions you're not proud of are a result of what you survived. But, you, Joyful, you are innocent. It's ok to hold your chin up. It'll take practice, for sure. Even if you don't remember it all, you don't have to apologize for SA trigger warnings. That is what your survived and that is what you're dealing with.

Yes, having some of the poison spill out of you is good. Yes, finding out that you ARE WORTHY of validation and being believed and tears for the past pains is new. I would love to say it gets easier from here - I don't know if that's really true. I do know that it's OK to be a mess some days. It's OK to wonder how you get the other side where healing is. You're still a good person. You're just a sad, confused AND WORTHY good person. The sad and confused don't have to define the essential YOU. They are a part of what you are going through, not who you are. Just like the SA is part of what you went through, not who you are.

Now that some of the poison is gone, don't be surprised if anger finds her way into your life. When the reality of what has happened and what you had to do for yourself to survive sinks in, anger is often the best healer out there. Be careful, though anger unleashed can be dangerous. If anger visits you, try to find safe outlets for it. Write volumes or paint or hit pillows - whatever works for YOU. Because this is YOUR life, only YOU get to decide what works for you.

I'm glad you feel a little less under the brick heap since opening up to your friend. Expect a little awkwardness on your next few visits - often when a friend finds out the depth of pain we've been through, they're not sure how to process it. They also tend to over-compensate when they don't know how to respond. Try to have a little understanding and tell your friend what you're comfortable talking about more and what you'd rather leave to that day for now. It'll help a lot with future conversations.

[joyful]

Wife2 You are so wise! Thank you so much for that reply, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Would it be alright with you if I copied it into my own personal journal? It was really really what I needed.
And yeah, anger has already started to creep in...and anger is not a feeling I feel very often. Probably cuz I've shut it down to protect myself, idk.
I have a hard time not feeling bad about telling this to my friend, it feels like a lot to push on to someone.
I'm feeling pretty sad and not functional right now...I feel like I *have* to be happy and strong, but I think I also have every right to mourn and grieve and be sad...I think. Maybe not?

[Wife#2]

I'm so honored that you want to copy my post! Of course you may! I'm just so glad that I was able to help.

I did know about the anger because I've been where you're going with that. It is better on the other side - and the friendship is still intact! Now, it's my turn to support her as she and her family go through some things. Ah, the yin & yang of relationships. 

[joyful]

I am completely losing it right now. I can't hold still or stop shaking. Every little noise is making me jump. I can't handle having people talk to me or look at me. Ugh I just need to go somewhere quiet but no that's not really an option right now. So I hold in all my discomfort and losing it-Ness and yeah.
I am so uncomfortable and just needed to get this out.

[Wife#2]

Keep breathing. This is a major emotional flashback. Is there any way to hide away in a bathroom stall for a bit? Tell your boss you need a minute and slide away to your car? Any way to get a bit of privacy?

You are safe. You have already survived this. You will be fine. Keep breathing, try to make them slow, deep breaths.

This will pass and you WILL feel normal again.

[joyful]

Wow that was fast thank you Wife 2. I probably will do that...

[joyful]

Ugh. This whole week has been pretty much awful. I feel like I've just been in one giant flashback, coming in waves. Today has been extra bad. But so was yesterday.  I just feel so cynical and cold and hard right now. I'm trying so hard not to totally withdraw from everything and everyone in life. But it's really hard cuz I really just feel so done.
I could go into details about all the stuff that's aggravating me (and i'm pretty sure i have every right to be more than aggravated...not sure how healthy that is though...) but i won't.
i have this like irrational fear that my F will find me on here and i'll be *in trouble* for all the terrible things i've accused him of...I feel so dumb, but sometimes I'll have a mini panic attack after posting something that could be revealing.
anyway, this was mostly just me venting my nonsense in a vague and unclear way.